Army reveals the only way to become a Chief Warrant Officer 5 is to kill a Chief Warrant Officer 5

Low&Slow

Ancora imparo
#1
Army reveals the only way to become a Chief Warrant Officer 5 is to kill a Chief Warrant Officer 5

NEW YORK — Newly-uncovered documents show the reason that Chief Warrant Officer 5s are so rare in the Army: you must kill one to become one.

Unlike other military officer ranks, Warrant Officers must endure levels of bureaucracy involving rings, incantations, cloaks, and the wielding of weapons made from the horns of unicorns, according to an extensive Duffel Blog investigation.

According to sources, there is one lone Chief Warrant Officer 5 that is actually in charge of the Army, although his name is not legible whenever it is written down. Pentagon documents show it is bound by a spell that is still classified by the Council of Warrants, a group of Chief Warrant Officer 5s representing the variety of elements known in our universe. Examples included the Element of Sham, Invisibility, and also the Element of Surprise, which Warrants master at a young age.

Most alarming, sources say, is the practice of killing older Chief Warrant Officer 5s by the younger Chief Warrant Officer 4s. First, a Warrant Officer must achieve the classified rank of Level 56 Soul Deceiver, coinciding with the age of the young officer.

The ceremony is held in secret, within the walls of the 100th basement of The Hexagon, a building much like The Pentagon, but only for Warrant Officers. The older Warrants are given the opportunity to defend themselves, and many do so successfully, adding to their mystique and suggesting that most Chief Warrant Officer-5s are hundreds of years old.

Once a victor is made evident, the Chief Warrant Officer 5 is given a new name in order to add to his ability to remain invisible to the pesky bureaucrats in the rest of the DoD, some of which do not believe that Chief Warrant Officer 5s even exist.

The revelation was found through documents provided through a Freedom of Information Act request. Also included in the documents were the secret handshakes that Warrant Officers have (which include no direct human contact), and the swear words they are authorized toward General Officers.

The most inappropriate words were multi-syllable, as Warrant Officer 5s are very well educated.
 

killbilly

Vocals, Lyrics, Triangle, Washboard, Kittens
#2
Army reveals the only way to become a Chief Warrant Officer 5 is to kill a Chief Warrant Officer 5

NEW YORK — Newly-uncovered documents show the reason that Chief Warrant Officer 5s are so rare in the Army: you must kill one to become one.

Unlike other military officer ranks, Warrant Officers must endure levels of bureaucracy involving rings, incantations, cloaks, and the wielding of weapons made from the horns of unicorns, according to an extensive Duffel Blog investigation.

According to sources, there is one lone Chief Warrant Officer 5 that is actually in charge of the Army, although his name is not legible whenever it is written down. Pentagon documents show it is bound by a spell that is still classified by the Council of Warrants, a group of Chief Warrant Officer 5s representing the variety of elements known in our universe. Examples included the Element of Sham, Invisibility, and also the Element of Surprise, which Warrants master at a young age.

Most alarming, sources say, is the practice of killing older Chief Warrant Officer 5s by the younger Chief Warrant Officer 4s. First, a Warrant Officer must achieve the classified rank of Level 56 Soul Deceiver, coinciding with the age of the young officer.

The ceremony is held in secret, within the walls of the 100th basement of The Hexagon, a building much like The Pentagon, but only for Warrant Officers. The older Warrants are given the opportunity to defend themselves, and many do so successfully, adding to their mystique and suggesting that most Chief Warrant Officer-5s are hundreds of years old.

Once a victor is made evident, the Chief Warrant Officer 5 is given a new name in order to add to his ability to remain invisible to the pesky bureaucrats in the rest of the DoD, some of which do not believe that Chief Warrant Officer 5s even exist.

The revelation was found through documents provided through a Freedom of Information Act request. Also included in the documents were the secret handshakes that Warrant Officers have (which include no direct human contact), and the swear words they are authorized toward General Officers.

The most inappropriate words were multi-syllable, as Warrant Officer 5s are very well educated.
I love Duffelblog so very much.

My current fave:

Navy totally going to turn this ship around if Marines don't stop poking each other
 

killbilly

Vocals, Lyrics, Triangle, Washboard, Kittens
#10
Actually, it was "Battletech: The Crescent Hawk's Inception"

And a little dose of the original Mechwarrior to boot. How do I know? BEHOLD!

View attachment 44363
Ah you got me. It WAS battletech. I had just gotten an EGA card for my computer.

MW3 was great. ‘98-2000 I played on a clan team before I got bored and started playing (a few years later) a game called Point of Existence - which was a modern combat overlay to Battlefield:Vietnam.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 

MikeD

Administrator
Staff member
#13
Master Warrant 4, the predecessor to the CW5. Rank consisting of reversed (empty) 4 boxes of rank.

End of history lesson.
 

Lawman

Well-Known Member
#14
Master Warrant 4, the predecessor to the CW5. Rank consisting of reversed (empty) 4 boxes of rank.

End of history lesson.
There is constant rumor of the fabled W6 rank. Should it happen the insignia is always said to be a return to the Eagle Rising Warrant Branch emblem that was wholesale abandoned when we stop being a Corps and became a Cohort.


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dustoff17

Well-Known Member
#15
Master Warrant 4, the predecessor to the CW5. Rank consisting of reversed (empty) 4 boxes of rank.

End of history lesson.
I liked the MW4 insignia much more than the "smear" the Army has now.
I was slated to move into a CW5 slot upon return from yet another deployment. I opted for retirement and walked out a happy man........
 

Lawman

Well-Known Member
#16
I liked the MW4 insignia much more than the "smear" the Army has now.
I was slated to move into a CW5 slot upon return from yet another deployment. I opted for retirement and walked out a happy man........
Oh I don’t know...

Me and Nark know a particular company pilot CW5 who seemed like the happiest warrant officer in the world. Probably had something to do with short of the Brigade commander coming after him that guy was untouchable.


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dustoff17

Well-Known Member
#17
Oh I don’t know...

Me and Nark know a particular company pilot CW5 who seemed like the happiest warrant officer in the world. Probably had something to do with short of the Brigade commander coming after him that guy was untouchable.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Agreed. Our CW5 pilot in Iraq was pretty happy every time he saw his pay voucher via email!!!
 

Lawman

Well-Known Member
#18
Agreed. Our CW5 pilot in Iraq was pretty happy every time he saw his pay voucher via email!!!
My favorite moment of him was watching him stop the O&I brief cold in the middle politely and then yell at a CPT and a Major having a side bar in the TOC, “Hey can you two either shut up or take it the hell outside? We’re trying to get some actual work done.” Nobody laughed out loud or anything, but the expressions on their face were a combination of “how dare he be so crass because I’m important in my mind.... and I literally can’t do anything about it so I guess I’ll go outside.”

And then the briefing continued. One of my favorite moments of the deployment.
 
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