Chuck Norris, fighter pilot

[MikeD]

1) Chuck Norris executes a banzai gameplan regardless of awareness and AMR. Short-skate tactics are for the weak.

2) Chuck Norris is always in the “advantageous element.”

3) Chuck’s commit criteria is JFS Start. Mr. Norris doesn’t need avionics or a weapons system to be lethal.

4) Chuck Norris once had a wingman call a KIO for a PTO shaft failure. Chuck said he was “rejoining chase” and subsequently gunned the guy for being “worthless and weak”.

5) If Chuck Norris is conscious he’s inside your turn circle.

6) Chuck Norris does not jink. Under any circumstance. Period.

7) Chuck Norris once had a wingman go blind. Once.

8) Chuck once decapitated a SEFE for telling him he was in his 4th Month for a Mission Check.

9) If you’re an “W-Prefix” don’t let Chuck Norris get wind of it. If he does, QC your last will and testament

10) Chuck Norris doesn’t do SEAD. The word suppress is not in his vocabulary.

11) If Chuck Norris is airborne, ACM is one-role by his mere presence. There is no 2 vs 3-role argument.

12) If you fly with Chuck Norris, do yourself a favor and don’t brief a shot doctrine. As a matter of fact, don’t brief any contracts, except killing. On second thought, don’t brief that either. It’s assumed.

13) Chuck Norris’ right eye has 4 times the acuity of a Sniper Pod.

14) Need an EA plan? Try having Chuck Norris hum the 2nd verse of Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.”

15) Threat criteria . . . . . . not with Chuck!

16) Don’t use the term “Ten Chucks” during the adversary coord brief when Mr. Norris is around. He just doesn’t like it. Shortening AA-10D to “ducks” is fine.

17) Chuck Norris guides all LGBs with a standard Life Support issue fingerlight. It’s still unclear how he does it but he uses continuous lase as a general rule.

18) Chuck Norris refuses to do any GP delivery except a 90 degree DB, thus completely negating the need for CWDS. This attack should normally be flown as a direct pop.

20) JMEM weaponeering does not apply to anything employed by Chuck Norris. His normal SSPD is 1.4 regardless of target composition.

22) The F-pole of a Chuck Norris employed AMRAAM may vary by up to 6nm based on Chuck’s mood. Just something to consider when you “build your numbers.”

23) Chuck Norris was once told to “retrograde” by OCA escort when he was a striker. Chuck killed the entire blue OCA escort 4-ship, then banzai’d into 6 red-air groups inside FR. Since this took a few minutes, AWACs subsequently asked if he needed a TOT extension. Chuck kamikaze rammed the E-3 and proclaimed “Chuck Norris on guard, picture clean.”

24) Chuck Norris maintains the Link-16 network using an abacus, a 30-minute hourglass, and 8 two-way CB radios. That’s all you need to know.

25) Chuck Norris will be supersonic south of the Mormon Mesa whenever he wants.

26) Chuck Norris only operates under Type 3 CAS as Type 1 and 2 imply some reliance on someone else. Tomahawk FAC-As use caution.

27) Chuck Norris is the GLIB I.

28) Chuck Norris does not float, action, loft, crank, WEZ deny, take second shots, abort, or notch. I think you know why.

29) Chuck’s ownship position is always bullseye.

30) As a general ROT, Chuck Norris is able to VID at TR + 5, thus completely negating the need for a PID matrix.

31) Chuck’s MESL:

32) Chuck Norris dug Groom Lake by hand at the conclusion of the Vietnam War.

33) Chuck Norris’ controlled ejection altitude is -6 feet AGL.

34) Chuck Norris has never in his life been denied GPS acquisition.

35) Chuck Norris has never left anything to the RTO.

36) Ronnie did not leave the Tomahawks for a better “job opportunity.” He was killed by Chuck when he entered the wrong takeoff time into PEX for a Chuck Norris 4-ship.

37) Chuck Norris noise abatement procedures: 2 strafe passes with 20mm on anyone golfing on Shadow Creek’s 7th hole.

[MikeD]

Chuck Norris only does Air to ground Maverick Boresights on SA-20 sites.

Chuck always uses Fuel Flows override and briefs the Engine Hot Lights are an indicator of Max Thrust.

Mr. Norris does not use Risk Estimate Distances because “Frag tastes Good”

Chuck uses Chuckmax and Chuckmin for artillery deconfliction.

Chuck may eject during a CSAR over the survivor to expedite the recovery.

Chuck Norris does not need an AO update and he will strafe the JTAC’s position if told to read back ANYTHING.

The Chuck Norris fighter check-in is as follows: “Chuck Norris checking in, I’m cleared hot.”

The only initials Chuck Norris needs are his own. He IS the ground commander.

Chuck Norris once ejected from a perfectly good jet just so he could punch the SA-8 operator in the face for not following his T.O.

Chuck does not use WP rockets, he eats white phosphorus for breakfast.

Chuck typically marks targets with kamikaze predators he controls with his IPOD.

Chuck burned down the entire city of Indian Springs when a predator shot a hellfire through his block

Chuck was given a run in restriction….once

Chuck dropped a MOAB off station 6 on the CAOC for using “CAS” and “B-52” in the same sentence.

Chuck can mensurate coordinates with the #2 needle and canopy references but only uses it to pass the location of wingmen that miss a check in.

[rausda27]

To me that whole post reads... Chuck Norris...then a bunch of greek.

[Fandango Flyer]

read through the greek and you will see the world's most skilled, dangerous, cold-blooded aviator! don't mess with chuck!

[surreal1221]

nice, lol. just fwd'd to the co-workers.

[Jayrock]

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

[killbilly]

this would be seriously more funny to me if I understood the fighter pilot jargon...I mean it was funny, but I could tell it was funnier and I didn't get it...

[BobDDuck]

Thanks for the laugh Mike. What's scary is I actually knew a fair amount of the tech babble.

[TFaudree_ERAU]

Originally Posted by rausda27

To me that whole post reads... Chuck Norris...then a bunch of greek.

I guess the military had to up the civilian pilots in terms of acronyms and jargon.