Thoughts at 6am

[Texasspilot]

Been a little depressed lately, friend shot himself...just had to get some stuff off my chest I guess.

I'm currently headed due west in my beat up old twin and as the sun begins to rise behind me thoughts of the my future begin to slip into my head. After nearly a year of this and ignorantly thinking things will be alright I begin to realize that they probably won't be as good as I was hoping. I'm not really a low time pilot anymore with nearly 2500 hours flying some of the crappiest planes through some of the worst weather. I feel that I know enough now to finally call myself a professional aviator(though to some freight and professional are exclusive) I've been hoping for the last year that at the end of this year was a decent career waiting for me. However I've come to realize that I was lieing to myself. After searching and searching, there just doesn't seem to be much left to make a career out of. Some places are willing to offer decent pay and beni's but wan't you to live your entire life within 20 minutes of the airport. Others may actually give you some real days off but will only pay you enough to sit at your apt anyhow. Of course theres the people who say,"Its only for a couple of years, suck it up" However a few years of your mid twenties is a long damn time to be miserable.

Maybe its because I always wanted to do as much as possible and the times with my granddad(retired EAL) led me to believe that aviation could provide all thse things for me. Or maybe its because im competitive with and a little jelous of my friends and family members who are the same age as me but seem to have so much more in life. Most of my friends are marrying and many are starting to have kids, nice little houses, planning the future...really starting there lives. While theres no end in sight to my barely scraping by. Maybe im depressed because I don't feel like I can get serious with the girl I've been dating for the last year and a half becuase I have no idea where I'll live next year and even if I did, I couldn't honestly see providing a decent life for us for years and years to come.

7 am and the sun is at my back as the ovrcast slowly builds ahead. 200 miles from here and and its 500 and 2...at least I get to do some approaches today.

I think maybe I've grown bored with flying. The idea of flying is still fun but the actual day to day job is painfully mundane and repititous. As it should be I guess. Repitition allows you to gain experience and skill and if every flight was a wing on fire but by the grace of god adventure, I don't think thered be much market for it.

Then again maybe I've just gotten a little lonely up here over the last couple of years of flyin solo.

Theres something to be said about humming along through the 3am sky as the full moon reflects off the overcast layer below, the props synched up, and a nice cup of hot coffee to sip on.

or watching the sunrise over the mountains as your old, tired, and worn out ride struggles to altitude yet again.

and I still get get some personal satisfaction after shooting that rock solid approach to mins and rolling it on in the mist and fog.

even the nights filled with lightning so intense it makes the radios pop and sizzle and the ADF spin like a coked out ballerina. As the clouds rumble and explode in orange and white and you weave your way through and at the end come out feeling like you did a damn good job after making it through with nearly no turbulence because you judged the weather and your plan worked out perfectly.

Times like these make me love what I've been doing but once I getback on the ground and head to my friends house so he can show me the new car or I pick the girlfriend up to on our date with the two for one coupons at whatever fast food place passed those out this week; that the old phrase "you can't live on love springs to mind."

Because in the end I fly for money. I fly to afford the things desires and interests outside of airplanes. I guess I don't live to fly like I used to but fly so that I can live. And since I started getting paid to fly I really haven't had a life outside the airport. Long duty days and minimum rest dont leave much time for anything else and I guess the desire to have a life has led me to start searching for a career outside the cockpit. Hopefully something that will give me both the financial rewards as well as the mental challenges that flying seems to lack.

I hope to start my MBA this january and will probably keep flying for the next couple of years because I do have some hope still that flying will allow my love my life and my job and if not at least I can say I tried.

[Hootie]

I've been there, and I understand what you mean. Over the past years I lied to my friends and family when asked about how much I make telling them I make mid-thirties a year, I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone I make 23 grand a year when they know I am gone from 5am to 8pm....It just looks idiotic to an outsider. Some depressing nights going to bed at 8pm while friends and roomates are downstairs doing whatever they want. One of the worst, was at the bar one friday night when my younger buddies Ive know since high school was buying drinks because of his 20grand raise.....(I was thinking I only make 23 grand period).

I will tell you I was burnt out on aviation not too long ago, so I went part time flying and took a full load of college classes for a semster and it picked me right back up. So I think taking some classes this January is a great idea, and I hope it works for you as well as it worked for me. Are you taking classes in person or online? I went in person. Take care!

[Texasspilot]

online...but hopefully i'll be taking it along with my sister.

You still flying part time or what did you end up doing?

[Bandit_Driver]

I feel your pain and have been there. No kidding it sucks. Don't sell yourself short though. You have put in this much time and effort to walk away. Something I thought about doing a few times myself.

I got married and started a family while flying and making 23K or less a year. It can be done and it is worth the battle. After 6 years of struggle I finally made it to descent pay scale with a desent QOL. It was a great feeling. I probably would be "What Ifing" myself to dealth if I had walked away from flying.

Good luck!

[wildfreightess]

I wish I had some words to offer you; I'm feeling the exact same way at this point in my career. It's like you were reading my mind.

That was beautifully written.

Good luck.

[Hootie]

Originally Posted by Texasspilot

You still flying part time or what did you end up doing?

I'm about ready to start back up full time here soon. Im ready now after taking a step back and realizing what my options were, and that as much as I say I would rather work as an entry level financial guy making 40 grand, I still would have an entry level aviation job for 25 grand for now. Im seeing light at the end of the tunnel though

[wheelsup]

Texaspilot, look up Quest Diagnostics. If you need a fax # let me know. ~$60k to start doing what you're doing now (M-F night freight). You'd start most likely in their pistons, then fly the TBM/PC12. They've got a few king airs and a hawker as well. Last I heard they were moving to the VLJ scene. They LOVE airnet guys. Although you'd have to move to Reading, PA or outside Atlanta it would probably be the last move you would make. They'll be around for a while. I never could get in, I tried like heck but no 135 time killed the shot I had.

You've come so far and sacrificed so much, why give it up? That would be a shame. Don't let other peoples' problems drag you down, man!

[pilot4500]

I can definitely feel your pain. Maybe you should consider being a writer. That was beautifully written. I have almost 2200 hours total time but only 10 hours of multi, and I am struggling to find my next job as an entry level freight pilot. I thought about walking away a few times, but I have so much invested in flying. I got almost all of my time flight instructing.

I know that I could make more money working full time at McDonalds. I don't know if I will ever make a decent salary being a pilot, but I love what I do. Somehow it makes what I am doing seem right.

Hang in there!

[NightCargo]

Tex-

Lots of former Starcheckers over here at Netjets as well, and DAL is a base for newhires. The difference in QOL and pay is night and day (no pun intended). Shoot me a PM if you need any info.

NightCargo

[Hootie]

Also how long till you can go over to the lear? I think flying single pilot all the time gets boring and kinda lonely (depending if you are a people person or not.....I am). If you can upgrade soon I would think that would change things up a bit for you.

[Stone Cold]

Hey guys, different TexasPilot there. I don't believe he's at Airnet. I think he's at a company in TX or NM in a twin Cessna...I could be wrong, but...

Tex,

Hang in there. I think all of us are going through it right now. It'll get better. If this is truly what you want, then there will be good things to come.

Good luck and fly safe!!

TX

[meritflyer]

I cant speak to you on a professional pilot level because I am not. You see a guy like me who has a good QOL with a good company (non-aviation) ponders leaving my job every hour of every day to join Skywest or something. I read posts like this and think I shouldnt be considering such a move as I may regret it later on. I would like to think that 5 or 6 years at a regional would lead to a job at Southwest or Continental or somethin'. Reality? Maybe, maybe not.

I feel your pain in a sense that I want to be an airline pilot and after all my time and money into training, I may never be. I have a financial responsibility to my family that I would need aviation to support. I am ready to make that committment to aviation but I dont think aviation is ready to make that committment to me.

Hang in there. Give it some time and see what happens. Dont take a position like I did outside of flying because you'll always look back and wonder if you could've made it as a pro pilot.

[Texasspilot]

Hey everyone thanks for the kind words....its just been kind of a wierd couple of weeks for me since my friends funeral.

I know deep down it would be hard if not impossible for me to leave aviation, its just something that I've done my whole life. At the same time I think about other occupations I instantly get the what ifs. I think I've kinda decided to give it a couple more years...I figure at 24 I still have some time to figure out what the heck im gonna do with myself.

I still would like to start my MBA this next fall but probably more for just personal satisfaction than anything else, also gonna getting the ATP here in the next couple of months so that gives me a goal for now. Sometimes it just seems like your so close and so far at the same time.

and yah TX...looks like we got mixed up again

[DE727UPS]

I'm sorry to about your friend. Suicide is the most selfish act, not only ruins your life but the lives of so many others.

Getting your MBA would be a great "insurance policy" should you decide to walk away from flying. I'd highly recommend it as a backup.

I walked away from flying in 1985 only to walk back in a couple years later. Funny how things worked out. I truly believe a higher power had a hand in that. Anyhow, things worked out great for me in the end. All I can really do is wish you luck....

[mtsu_av8er]

Originally Posted by wildfreightess

. . . I'm feeling the exact same way at this point in my career.

I can't believe that I heard you say that! You'd walk away from all of this? The long nights in the hangar, just you and me while everybody else was asleep?

[Stone Cold]

BTW, sorry about your friend. I hope everything improves for you. Sorry I didn't include this earlier, but had to post and go, and forgot to include it. Good luck out there. Where are you flying out of and are there any corporate types in/out of there? Fractionals?

[JaceTheAce]

I was going through a similar situation with regard to age and "success"...except I hadn't even started my flight training! I'm 25 years old and not even a CFI yet (only working on Commercial now). Looking at all my cousins with similar ages and my brother who are all very financially successful after having completed college in 4 year's time really makes me look at myself as a failure. I had been doing this for awhile... but realized that we all have our own path to success. You can't compare your avation career stepping stones with your other family members' careers. Aviation grows at a completely different and varying pace from all other careers.

I'm sorry about your loss of your friend...

[Unkle Nicky]

There is a short story by Richard Bach called "Return of a lost pilot."
You may like it.

[pkunzip66]

Texas, I couldn't agree with you more, you basically took the words right out of my mouth. The way you wrote it was excellent but after I got done reading it, i just wanted to start crying. I had a flight to DFW that night and just sat there in the plane wondering the "what ifs". If we have dealt with all this S*it so far, sooner then later it will get better.

[mccube5]

Originally Posted by pkunzip66

Texas, I couldn't agree with you more, you basically took the words right out of my mouth. The way you wrote it was excellent but after I got done reading it, i just wanted to start crying. I had a flight to DFW that night and just sat there in the plane wondering the "what ifs". If we have dealt with all this S*it so far, sooner then later it will get better.

There's an old saying that goes...

"good things come to those that wait."

it's a cheesy one liner but its those cheesy one liners that i live my life by, short and sweer...

also extremely sorry to hear about your friend, unfortunate that people feel that desperate they would go to those measures, just remember there are people out there that love you and are always there if you need them, and on that lame note im out!

[C150J]

Interesting about seeing your friends starting families, etc. Most of my college friends are now at graduate school scraping by, years from making GOOD money. My few friends in medical school have an extremely long road ahead of them as well. None of them, at 22-26 years of age, are even thinking about settling down.

I know some who are settling down, but I don't think we share the same ambition and priorities. I respect their decisions, however.

J.

[FlyinTim]

Wow.. Honestly this was the best post I have EVER read on JC.. I am about to start to get a 'good' flying job (I was a CFI for two years... and instead of making a move to a job I stopped flying to finish my degree and chill out your only 21 once...) I should be looking for a job in Aug. 07 (I am going to try and teach part time to stay current)..

I needed to hear the truth and I did,thank you... I am going to be 22 with 80 grand out in loans as a freight dog..should be interesting.

Thank you again..

Tim

[themctm]

Originally Posted by wildfreightess

I wish I had some words to offer you; I'm feeling the exact same way at this point in my career. It's like you were reading my mind.

That was beautifully written.

Good luck.

I feel ya, D. I'm at the same place. Maybe it's time for a new job and a new city...?

[ASpilot2be]

Originally Posted by themctm

I feel ya, D. I'm at the same place. Maybe it's time for a new job and a new city...?

Tired of Juneau?

[texas_pilot]

Man I gotta watch you in the futute, your post nailed me by surprise- Was WAY too close to home in many aspects.
1) about your friend-permanent solution to a temporary problem, I have too few friends to lose any of them that way.
2) about the J.O.B. burnout- working for a CONTRACTOR to former Telesis- I've seen some good pilots hit the dusty trail. Wondered if I'm gonna flame-out, too. I could'a used the 4 years-1/4 million $ I didn't earn at my previous career because I've spent time & money getting up to meeting hiring minimums.
3)Question is will I be satisfied when I get there? Too soon to tell, but I'll never know if I quit now.
4)If my love wanted me half as much, then I strongly suggest you enjoy the premarital staus- it'll be worth the wait & most relationships fail to $$$$.
My advice? PERSEVERE
PM me if you like. My take is that with your communication skills, one day you will make a fantastic administrator / leader.