Getting married. What were your surprises?

[Cessnaflyer]

So I am getting married in June and want to know what are some of the surprises you didn't think about when you got married?

We are going through all of the financial planing stuff now and back and forth on where we are going to live. We would like to buy a house where we are at now because there is a nice market on $150k houses that are new and ok in build quality. I think though it might be better to live in some cheaper apartments for now and save money for something better down the road.

So what caught some of you off guard when you made that transition to married life?

[Doug Taylor]

We shacked up well in advance.

The only surprise I had since we had most of the kinks worked out were the HUGE number of people that began to bug us about cranking out kids.

I don't think we even had the cake cut yet and people were all up in mah bidness!

[SteveC]

Biggest surprise? Is more than one OK?

1. That I wasn't always right.
2. That I have to keep reminding myself of #1.

[Cessnaflyer]

Haha well we did live together for about a year but we were split two different ways when she had a job on the east side of the state and I had one on the west side. Everyone wants us to have kids. I can't believe they want the two of us to procreate:

[flyingmaniac]

Surprises????

Having to negotiate for everything..

Having to ask "can I buy this?"..

[Jbroz04]

Having to negotiate for everything..

Having to ask "can I buy this?"..

I'm not married but my girlfriend lives with me and these are the two hardest lol.

[Codyjp]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

We shacked up well in advance.

The only surprise I had since we had most of the kinks worked out were the HUGE number of people that began to bug us about cranking out kids.

I don't think we even had the cake cut yet and people were all up in mah bidness!

I've started to tell people that we can't conceive. That shuts them up quick and makes them feel like real jerk offs and I get off easy!

Then I make some comment afterward like "It certainly hasn't stopped us from practicing though!"

Why does getting married make people think I would want kids? And I'm not buying a minivan either.

[Joe Gremlin]

I expected friends and acquaintances to ask about us having kids (my family already knows the score). It was the complete strangers who are constantly compelled to urge me to reproduce that I find most surprising.

Oh I see you're married, got any kids?

No kids, just two cats.

No kids? Why not? Don't you want kids?

Let me put it to you this way, I want kids about as much as you want to mind your own effin business.

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by Cessnaflyer

So I am getting married in June and want to know what are some of the surprises you didn't think about when you got married?

We are going through all of the financial planing stuff now and back and forth on where we are going to live. We would like to buy a house where we are at now because there is a nice market on $150k houses that are new and ok in build quality. I think though it might be better to live in some cheaper apartments for now and save money for something better down the road.

So what caught some of you off guard when you made that transition to married life?

It's great you're thinking about finances in advance. That will save a whole bunch of problems. Money issues are the leading cause of divorce in America.

As for the house question, one way to plan for it is:

- Make sure you are debt free first
- Make sure you have 3-6 months of expenses saved first
- Make sure you have a 20% down payment saved first
- Get a 15-year fixed where the payment does not exceed 25% of your pay
- Live in a very cheap apartment until the above is accomplished.

It's not for everyone, but a lot people tend to want to "play house" as soon as they get married whether they're financially able to or not. Some people think getting married automatically equals buying a house, new furniture, etc. Going in slow and with a plan will help you win in the long run.

At any rate, my advice for marital smoothness is to agree upon a financial plan and short/long term financial goals before the big day.

Best of luck!

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by Ian J

- Make sure you are debt free first
- Make sure you have 3-6 months of expenses saved first
- Make sure you have a 20% down payment saved first
- Get a 15-year fixed where the payment does not exceed 25% of your pay
- Live in a very cheap apartment until the above is accomplished.

This is pretty good advice, but just a little bit extreme, in my opinion. Saving 20% is an awful lot, and will definitely cushion you if the house devalues...but....

• Figure out how long it will take to save that money vs. what you'll pay in rent and not getting the tax breaks on ownership, or putting that money into an IRA. This is the best time to buy a house in DECADES in terms of prices. In my experience, you want to have a MINIMUM of 6% in equity after the purchase, because if an emergency happens and you have to sell, that's the MINIMUM loss you're going to take on commission fees and closing costs, etc.
• Determine, roughly, how long you want to be in the place. A 15-year note is great if you want to pay off quick, but most people don't stay in the same home for 15-30 years anymore. Doing a 30-year fixed lowers your monthly payment - you can always pay more into the mortgage on months where your cashflow is better.
• Debt-free MAY not be a good idea, depending on your ratios and your FICO score. FICO likes to see some unsecured debt, and that gets you better interest rates. Consult your mortgage broker.

The part about 25% of pay...I'd go to 30% on that, but the way I'd figure it is to look at your incomes, and set it up so that you can get by with one of you keeping your job and the other working at Starbucks, if that happens.

But, you can see the gist of what Ian's talking about. Be conservative in what you do, and that gives you enough options to not be trapped in something.

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by killbilly

This is pretty good advice, but just a little bit extreme, in my opinion. Saving 20% is an awful lot, and will definitely cushion you if the house devalues...but....

Saving 20% used to be the norm in this country.

Determine, roughly, how long you want to be in the place. A 15-year note is great if you want to pay off quick, but most people don't stay in the same home for 15-30 years anymore. Doing a 30-year fixed lowers your monthly payment - you can always pay more into the mortgage on months where your cashflow is better.

Also factor in the better rate you get on a 15 year fixed v. a 30-year.

Debt-free MAY not be a good idea, depending on your ratios and your FICO score. FICO likes to see some unsecured debt, and that gets you better interest rates. Consult your mortgage broker.

You know if you never ever got into debt you would have a zero FICO score. Mortgages can be manually unwritten for zero FICO scores by reputable mortgage companies. You do not need to establish credit in order to buy a house.

The part about 25% of pay...I'd go to 30% on that, but the way I'd figure it is to look at your incomes, and set it up so that you can get by with one of you keeping your job and the other working at Starbucks, if that happens.

Potatoes tomatoes.

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by Ian J

Saving 20% used to be the norm in this country.

Yes. So did the practice of getting a job and working for the same company for 20-30 years and retiring with a decent pension. That has changed. There is way more job mobility these days than there was in the past, and with that, planning to pay off a house doesn't always make sense.

Also factor in the better rate you get on a 15 year fixed v. a 30-year.

True, but the difference between the two is a lot closer than it used to be. I just gamed this the other day on a condo I was looking at purchasing (decided not to) but it was going to be cheaper and faster to take the 30 year fixed and add x-dollars to the payment every month vs. taking the 15 year with y-dollars every month.

You know if you never ever got into debt you would have a zero FICO score. Mortgages can be manually underwritten for zero FICO scores by reputable mortgage companies. You do not need to establish credit in order to buy a house.

You are of course, correct, but it sure helps. Debt tends to be the economic fuel in this country, and the system works in favor of one with credit history.

Potatoes tomatoes.

I hear you, man. Renting for the last 18 months has been nice, but I'm looking to buy a place in the very near future. Just have a few hurdles to get over.

[modernicarus]

My top three surprises:

1) We were married in August of 1989 and the biggest surprise to me is how fast the past twenty years flew by...and how little of it I REALLY remember (relatively speaking). There are some things I remember that she doesn't and some things she remembers that I don't. Take LOTS of pictures and video!

2) I have said and done alot of really stupid, selfish, and inconsiderate things over the years that I truly regret and I am surprised at the amount of love, patience, and forgiveness my wife still has for me. I think I cherish that more than anything else about her.

3) Another surprise is that after twenty years, I STILL have a hard time remembering whether we were married on the 26th or the 27th. Why can't I ever remember that? Lucky for me she doesn't ever get bothered by that and has accepted that it will happen every year (as noted in #2 above).

[I_Money]

It isn't so much the negotiation - it is the warped perception that I struggle with. The biggest one is the fact that money is a limited resource is comprehensible to them, you can sit them down with a budget and go over it time and time again, agree upon it, put the money into envelopes make a visual demonstration that this money is for food - so if we spend it on shoes than we don't eat and then they will turn around and try and convince that they need 25 shirts even though for the last 10 years I have demonstrated 5 shirts is all anyone needs.

[Joe Gremlin]

Originally Posted by I_Money

It isn't so much the negotiation - it is the warped perception that I struggle with. The biggest one is the fact that money is a limited resource is comprehensible to them, you can sit them down with a budget and go over it time and time again, agree upon it, put the money into envelopes make a visual demonstration that this money is for food - so if we spend it on shoes than we don't eat and then they will turn around and try and convince that they need 25 shirts even though for the last 10 years I have demonstrated 5 shirts is all anyone needs.

Since you're a guy I'm assuming you mean to infer that this is a woman thing. Its not, its a poor money management thing and I've seen no evidence that either gender is more likely or less likely to present symptoms of it.

[I_Money]

I haven't dated men but it seems pretty common the women I have dated.

[BrewMaster]

I'll be married 3 months on the 7th.

Biggest surprises;

1. The relationship seemed to get a lot easier. I don't know why, but I don't have to do anything and she seems perfectly happy.

2. I had a hard time combining our money. It just seemed weird, but my wife is very smart with our money, so that made it a little easier.

3. How anticlimactic everything was. I was stressing hardcore before the wedding and the day of, even the day after was stressful. Literally the honeymoon on was amazing. I felt dumb for worrying so much about it.

[ozziecat35]

I dunno, my first 3 years have been relatively easy. I think I'm just blessed with a very understanding wife. The first 3 years we were dating / engaged, she was in college in Michigan, and I was either in Southern AZ or South Korea, so we learned the importance of open communication early on.

It's amazing how we as men will so easily be trained without knowing it...I realized this during our first year being married. She always reads before going to sleep while in bed. When she closed her book, I got up and turned the light off....it was an extreme WTF moment.

[teetee]

Been married for 8 years on Friday.

The biggest thing for success in marriage is to always respect each other. Even if you are in a huge fight...respect her as the person you love with all your heart and never want to hurt. Remember you are no longer independent, you are interdependent.

As far as changes...there were a ton for me so I don't know what to tell you as to what to expect! Congrats though!!

[Nigel Croker]

Originally Posted by Ian J

It's great you're thinking about finances in advance. That will save a whole bunch of problems. Money issues are the leading cause of divorce in America.

WRONG: Marriage is the leading cause of divorce in America

If no one got married the divorce rate would be zero

[t-cart]

Lots of great advice here. My biggest surprise (hope I don't lose the man card) was, after being in a not good marriage, how great marriage CAN be when you marry the right one.

[Cessnaflyer]

Awesome thank you for the advice.

Well it looks like we agreed to move into an apartment together instead of buying a house and saving for later.

[soonerpilot06]

God. Family. Work. In that order.

[BrewMaster]

Originally Posted by Cessnaflyer

Awesome thank you for the advice.

Well it looks like we agreed to move into an apartment together instead of buying a house and saving for later.

That's what we did/are doing right now. I have no regrets about renting right now, mostly because we are both so busy and can't sit still long enough to enjoy a house. Have some fun and settle into the house later.

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by t-cart

Lots of great advice here. My biggest surprise (hope I don't lose the man card) was, after being in a not good marriage, how great marriage CAN be when you marry the right one.

Yknow, I'm not there yet, but....starting to see a glimmer of that logic.