Getting married. What were your surprises?

[aloft]

Originally Posted by killbilly

Debt tends to be the economic fuel in this country, and the system works in favor of one with credit history.

Which is ironic, given the incentive the financial industry has to get you into a position with a poor credit history. I'm not talking subprime because of the huge risk of defaults there, but lenders make a lot more money off people with mediocre credit than off those with good credit.

[Fly_Unity]

Originally Posted by Cessnaflyer

Awesome thank you for the advice.

Well it looks like we agreed to move into an apartment together instead of buying a house and saving for later.

An apartment cost around 600 a month (at least where Im living) a monthly payment on a house if you build is around 900 a month, you get a way nicer house and the money is actually going to yourself instead of someone else.

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by Fly_Unity

An apartment cost around 600 a month (at least where Im living) a down payment on a house is around 900 a month, you get a way nicer house and the money is actually going to yourself instead of someone else.

Just remember, that 900 a month isn't really going to yourself for a while. For a good number of years most of that payment is interest. As a homeowner you're also responsible for maintenance - while 900 a month may sound doable, do you have $5,000 sitting around for a new HVAC unit for when it breaks? Most importantly, the new home buyer has purchased a good amount of risk. A renter who can no longer afford their rent can walk away with some lease-breaking fees. A homeowner who can't pay their mortgage is bound by the market and whether or not they can sell their home. Even if they can, if they are upside down on it they face a short sale or foreclosure.

Homeownership can be a great investment and a great experience if the buyer is adequately prepared. Waiting it out until you are is well worth it.

(That wasn't directed at you, unity - it was just some ramblings and musings to the crowd).

[Doug Taylor]

Oh yeah, home ownership should NOT be seen as an alternative to renting.

It's a different animal entirely.

[fly22]

Surprises:

How difficult in-laws could be after a few life experiences.
How much compromising really takes place.

Advise:

Don't listen to anyones advise. You are a 100% unique individual as is your wife. Thus your relationship is 100% unique beast. FIND YOUR RHYTHM. Don't compare just adjust.

Argue naked. Seriously try it, things don't stay serious for too long and next thing you know youre killing 2 birds with one stone.

[MQAAord]

Originally Posted by fly22

Argue naked. Seriously try it, things don't stay serious for too long and next thing you know youre killing 2 birds with one stone.

That has got to be the best advice I have ever heard. In fact, I'm copying that for my FB & Twitter status!

[mpenguin1]

Surprises?

The children thing, the minute you mention marriage & people want to know when you are having kids. Hell, for me I was like, can't I enjoy the sex first!

[Qgar]

Originally Posted by fly22

.

Argue naked. Seriously try it, things don't stay serious for too long and next thing you know youre killing 2 birds with one stone.

Originally Posted by MQAAord

That has got to be the best advice I have ever heard. In fact, I'm copying that for my FB & Twitter status!

I like the idea! I'm not married but it may be worth it to start an argument with the BF just to try it out.

[E_Dawg]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

Oh yeah, home ownership should NOT be seen as an alternative to renting.

It's a different animal entirely.

I know nothing about marriage but as far as home ownership it's not nearly as simple as buying a place and immediately all your payments go to something that's "yours".

Sure, in 30yrs (or whatever) you'll own the place but there is a LOT more that goes into it than that... most of which I learned AFTER I bought. Not necessarily a bad things, but lessons after the fact that would have been better to know going in. Don't mean to sidetrack the thread so I'll stop at that.

[adreamer]

I use Jeff Foxworthy's line:

"Honey, I have done or say something in-sensitive, but don't yet know what it is. I would like a chance to go to my room to think about it."

Argue naked

I use my first language to curse or whatever. After 10 seconds, I was like

[Alinator]

Originally Posted by Cessnaflyer

So what caught some of you off guard when you made that transition to married life?

The shirtless man who jumped out of the closet when I came home early from a trip. That or my Asian son (my wife and I are not Asian).

[Alinator]

In addition to midgets and humor, I may be able to actually positively contribute here.

Married for almost 2 years, and have learned that marriage is a lot of compromise and you should never, ever look back to how 'easy' things were when you were single, which in itself presented an entirely different set of problems.

Give and take, and don't sweat the small stuff is the simplest, best advice I can give.

When we date it is often easier to overlook perceived flaws in our respective mates, but when you get married those differences/flaws can become more noticeable. Realize that when you marry someone, you accept them as they are, and vice-versa. Don't try to change anyone or mold them into who you think they should be, and of course vice versa. Bad idea.

Choose your battles wisely, 99% of the time the things that couples argue about are small, insignificant things anyway (unless it's about watching a football game, in which case the man is always right)....

[MFT1Air]

Let's see here. . .I went over 32 years of marriage this past October.

[QUOTE=fly22;1329725]Surprises:

How difficult in-laws could be after a few life experiences.
How much compromising really takes place.[quote]

I tell my wife constantly she had to have been FEDEX'd into her family. Everytime one of her kinfolk comes over or they call, I believe I'm entering a Twilight Zone (black and white version) episode.

Compromise? I have been "Dudley Do Wrong" for so long in my house, I can't think straight each time I walk into my own home. . .(I think I know what I just said, but I really don't know, for I'm typing this from home.) Help me. . .

Originally Posted by fly22

Advise:

Don't listen to anyones advise. You are a 100% unique individual as is your wife. Thus your relationship is 100% unique beast. FIND YOUR RHYTHM. Don't compare just adjust.

So true, when it's "on" . . .it's really on! Nothing can stop it.

Originally Posted by fly22

Argue naked. Seriously try it, things don't stay serious for too long and next thing you know youre killing 2 birds with one stone.

Sorry, short timer "married" thought process there. Have to disagree with the nude perspective. As gravity may force most males to acquiesce in an argument due to the immediate transference of blood downward , that doesn't happen with women. They know it's always there for them. . .hello? Married! They also marvel at how their words help to make that "transition" like a roller coaster. . .up/down/up/down/up/down. . .

. . .I just as soon put some clothes on, sit down and discuss, then seek closure to a discussion before I "move on."

[SurfandSun]

I think I can offer you some pretty good advice based off personal experience as a married guy for three years, a pilot, and having lots of experience as a mortgage broker over the past eight years...

1. I see that you are a CFI. I have no problem with people buying a house and normally it's a solid move. However, in your case I would just make sure that you can rent the house for what it costs you each month because you don't want a house to hold back your career goals.

2. You got to communicate with your wife. I can tell you that every time my wife has asked me what is wrong and I say that "I'm fine" that we end up talking it out later. There is a saying that goes: Don't go to bed angry.

3. Combining income and savings was an issue the first year and then talking about having kids became the main topic after that. I guess the key here is that there will always be challenges that are going to come your way. After you get squared away with the challenges between you and wife you will start having challenges brought on by your kids, in laws or whatever.

In closing, keep your monthly overhead low, communicate with your wife and let stuff roll off your back and you will be all good.

[Screaming_Emu]

Originally Posted by SurfandSun

2. You got to communicate with your wife. I can tell you that every time my wife has asked me what is wrong and I say that "I'm fine" that we end up talking it out later. There is a saying that goes: Don't go to bed angry.

When you get to know somebody really well, you can tell when something is wrong. I've found that most of the time if you (or the other person) plays the "I'm fine..." game, both of you think about it too much until it turns into something much worse than it was.

But if we talk about it right away its "oh...that's it? Yeah, we can fix that"

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by Ian J

It's great you're thinking about finances in advance. That will save a whole bunch of problems. Money issues are the leading cause of divorce in America.

As for the house question, one way to plan for it is:

- Make sure you are debt free first
- Make sure you have 3-6 months of expenses saved first
- Make sure you have a 20% down payment saved first
- Get a 15-year fixed where the payment does not exceed 25% of your pay
- Live in a very cheap apartment until the above is accomplished.

It's not for everyone, but a lot people tend to want to "play house" as soon as they get married whether they're financially able to or not. Some people think getting married automatically equals buying a house, new furniture, etc. Going in slow and with a plan will help you win in the long run.

At any rate, my advice for marital smoothness is to agree upon a financial plan and short/long term financial goals before the big day.

Best of luck!

You're the most romantic man in my world.

[SeatClutcher]

Biggest surprise: even when you've found that one person you actually do want to be with forever, there'll still be those moments of tension and discomfort that you thought were only supposed to happen with other people, and that you thought were supposed to go away after the first year. The "perfect" relationships you read about or see in movies or fantasize about always neglect to factor in the very real human factor: now and then, one of you will think the other totally sucks.

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

Biggest surprise: even when you've found that one person you actually do want to be with forever, there'll still be those moments of tension and discomfort that you thought were only supposed to happen with other people, and that you thought were supposed to go away after the first year. The "perfect" relationships you read about or see in movies or fantasize about always neglect to factor in the very real human factor: now and then, one of you will think the other totally sucks.

Wow.

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

You're the most romantic man in my world.

Hey - in his first post he mostly mentioned financial questions! That's what I was answering.

If he wants to know what other surprises he may encounter, I'd say my biggest surprise is I had no idea my wife could get even more beautiful and sexy year after year while still wielding a razor sharp wit and intellect.

[SeatClutcher]

And then you'll have those moments when someone comes back after you post something about people sucking with something really sweet that makes you feel bad.

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

And then you'll have those moments when someone comes back after you post something about people sucking with something really sweet that makes you feel bad.

Who sucks now!!

Ha!

[SteveC]

Why don't you kids get naked and go argue somewhere else for a while, eh?

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

Biggest surprise: even when you've found that one person you actually do want to be with forever, there'll still be those moments of tension and discomfort that you thought were only supposed to happen with other people, and that you thought were supposed to go away after the first year. The "perfect" relationships you read about or see in movies or fantasize about always neglect to factor in the very real human factor: now and then, one of you will think the other totally sucks.

Y'know, this is very true. So very, very, very true. Something that my ex-wife and I should have realized.

My mom and stepfather do premarital couples counseling through their church, and while they wouldn't characterize it that way, they sum up the same idea regularly...

Mom describes it sort of like a set of parallel lines following an hourglass shape...there will be times when your respective lines are very close together, and others where they are further apart. If you take a longer view of the relationship and realize that it's a natural part of being together, then you can plan for how to deal with that. Sage advice, I thought.

Nice post, Kristin.

[TheShortOne]

as much as I love my husband, some things he does drive me crazy, and it won't change, no matter how much I want

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by TheShortOne

as much as I love my husband, some things he does drive me crazy, and it won't change, no matter how much I want

Just keep making sure to hit the gear-down lever on final for him.