Scared

[Wannabe2]

So this one is heavy and I hate to bring everyone down, so If get out now if you don't want to be depressed. You were warned.

I go to flight school in Sept. 2002 in Florida. My wife stays here in Washington State. We both feel it will work, it is just temporary right? Our lives change, she develops a life where I drop by every couple of months, or she comes to see me every few months. Now she dosen't know if she wants me around anymore. She thinks she might like the "single" life more. I took a break from instructing in Florida and came back for anywhere from a few days to a month to who knows how long. We are meeting with a counselor on Thursday and kind of go from there. In short, I can't picture my life without her, and I think she's having a hard time picturing her life with me.

Again, sorry to pour out my heart to a bunch of strangers, but any advice would be welcome....

[ready2fly]

That's a tough one, buddy! I feel for you!

You need to decide what is more important right now. Your marriage or your career. Hopefully, it's not too late... although from what you've shared, it may be.

Best of luck in counseling. I hope all works out for the best!

Keep us posted!

R2F

[Wannabe2]

R2F, that one is easy. I'd give up flying tomorrow for her. Thing is, she'd never want me to. I have an instructing job lined up here at home if I want it, just not sure if moving back right now is gonna work. We'll see what the counselor says.... Thanks for the support.

[TheWife]

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this! In counseling, I would discuss what it is your wife feels like she is missing now, or would be gaining, by having a "single life". Honestly, we are probably about to face the same thing--Corbin will be finishing his training some where else for a while, but I will take every chance I get to see him, and if we didn't have a kid, I'd go with him wherever he's going!

[shooter13]

Wow that sucks.

I have seen similar circumstances with friends in the navy whose wife got used to us being gone. We had the most problems at home for guys about 2 months after we returned from deployments.

I'll tell it to you like I told it to guys i worked with and like was told to me when similar issues faced me.

The ball is entirely in her court. You can't "make" her want you around. If she doesn't, then she doesn't and you can't change it. But, if she doesn't want you around, then you really need to question yourself about why you want to be around her. I have seen way to many guys and girls hanging onto a failed relationship when the other party changes their mind. I have seen grown men turned into wimpering basket cases every time we go to sea becasue they don't know if their wife is going to leave them while we are gone. It isn't worth it. If she decides she doesn't want to live with you, then you need to show some self-respect and let her leave.

It hurts. I know it does from personal experience but better that than to constantly anguish over what you can do to make them want to be with you. Besides, if she isn't treating you with respect, I can guarantee you that there is a woman out there that will.

[Wannabe2]

Good stuff shooter, thanks. Yep, I think I have my mind around this thing a little better now. I am going to fight like hell to save this thing, but you are right, its pretty much up to her. She's gotta decide to be in with both feet, or get all the way out. Meanwhile, I am done being the whimpering basket case I have been over the last few days. Again, I appreciate the advice.

[mtsu_av8er]

I feel your pain. Although this may be the unpopular opinion in the forum, I will let you know how I dealt with a similar situation.

I had been in the Marine Corps for quite a while, and made a pretty darn fine Marine. Meritorious promotions, and well on my way to becomming The Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. 4 years in The Grunts, 4 years swinging in the wing and the next 4 would have been on a special duty (Drill Instructor or Recruiting. Then I took a hit off of that pipe - I took an intro flight.

I did tons of research, flew as much as I could while supporting a household and tried to determine if I needed to stay in the Corps or follow my next dream. Well, flying won over and although I still dedicated 110% to the Corps, I started making all of the mental, financial and administrative preparations to become a civilian again. This, however, is where my marriage hit the rocks.

My ex will tell you...she wasn't ready for all of that change, especially when things were going sooo well in the Marine Corps! We couldn't agree on it.

No, in principle, I would have "done anything..." to save my marriage. But that doesn't work. If she didn't want me to follow this dream, what would be next? My hobbies? Where we lived? Where was my say in this entire ordeal?

As hard as it was, I decided that if she couldn't back me up in what was one of the more difficult decisions I'd ever made, then it wasn't worth it. We tried counseling, and things "got better". But that was BS, in my opinion. Things would be better for a while, but they would come back as soon as times became rough again.

Do I regret being married? Not at all. Do I regret getting divorced? Not at all. Everything happens for a reason. We have a beautiful daughter and a great friendship. She's married since then and has a new family, and that's how she wanted it.

You see, as unpopular as this concept is in our society, I think that I am the most important person in my life. Not my spouse, not my children, and I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others. If I don't take care of myself, then I have nothing to give to others. Nobody else has to look at me in the mirror when I get out of bed, so I live to complete myself. I think that if I do this, I'll have more to offer other people.

Whatever decision you make, remember to follow what's in your heart. Don't live to please others or to have regrets. That's how people become grouchy old men!!!

Keep your head up, and let me know if you need anything - this can be a rough time!!!

[AngelFuree]

[ QUOTE ]
If I don't take care of myself, then I have nothing to give to others.

[/ QUOTE ]
Well said, and fully agree with that.

[Wannabe2]

Well put mtsu, very well actually. I didn't want it to sound as though I will give up my aviation dream, no way. As I told my wife yesterday, my world does not revolve around her. My world is a better place with her in it, but we both have to be happy individually, before we'll ever be happy together. At the counselor's office we decided that she has to decide if she wants to save the marriage or not. If so, we will, if not, we move on. So we are kind of in a holding pattern at the moment while she works through her #####. Sucks for now, but either way, we'll get through it. You all can keep me in mind if you have any cool/cute friends that dig slightly damaged CFII's.....

... look for future installments of "These Are the Days of Phil's Life"....

[ready2fly]

[ QUOTE ]
You all can keep me in mind if you have any cool/cute friends that dig slightly damaged CFII's.....

[/ QUOTE ]


Best of luck! Consider it done.

[shooter13]

Good points mtsu.

Best of luck to you fella. I have seen lots of follks dealing with this (way of life in the Navy) and I have also dealt with it myself. Keep your nose up and remember to roll when you get knocked down...It makes it easier to get back up.

[Doug Taylor]

Once again, ditto what Lloyd said.

No job is worth your marriage, but no marriage is worth flushing what you think may be your calling.

[Kristie]

calling = dream...

I have to agree... because if you give up what you think is your "place" in the world, then you've lost a lot more than you think you've lost...all for your "better half"...it's a tough decision but first and foremost, you have to think of yourself first...because you have to keep you alive and kickin' and moving in the right direction - for you...

I have to agree that she does need to make a decision.. but she also needs to give you a chance... a chance to, in a sense, learn each other again... try going out on dates (yes, even if your married, you can date each other)...bring the spicy times into the picture and see if it stirs...

because I know that when doug is gone, I become "defensive woman" or what I call "extremely independent" because when he's gone, only me, myself and I can watch out for "me"... and it takes me literally a full day (or more) to switch over to "I need my doug" type girl.. honestly... I think your situation may be very similar with military wives/husbands (based on the length of time it's been) in that it takes an adjustment period to get back into the swing of things - esp when your apart for such a long period of time...

she may think she's happier being "single" again... but she still has a home to come home too and safety in that your "still here"....she doesn't have to worry (right now) about being "really" single and having to find a new mate because she has one...just that you've been gone for a long period of time and she started going out (?) and in a way, living the single lifestyle... i betcha that if that becomes reality (hope not), she'll see the light real quick and realize what you provided to her.. love, comfort, security, and a sense of "home".....let's hope she sees that before she decides to opt out...

[bullmastiff]

I feel for you brother. I watched this happen on a regular basis in the military, as shooter mentioned. It takes a special type of girl to put up with you being gone all the time, and vice versa! You would be living your dream, so it is probably easier for you to make the relationship work. It would most likely be much harder on her. Best of luck to you

[Silverhawk]

I must admit I've been in the same position as well as most of us have before in our lives Wannabe... It took quite a bit coming to the conclusion that MTSU and the other's reached that really in the end it's a choice she has to make on her own.

I remember after a year and a half of dating my gf her older sister got married and she basically spent the summer hanging with the best man while I was working all the time... well.. of course it came down to her thinking about "what if" etc.. etc... and as much as it hurt and it took someone on the outside to point it out at the time that yes.. i prob. would do everything to save our relationship but in the end it is a decision really she has to come to on her own.

The road maybe a bit bumpy for a while but keep flying.. keep chatting here, keep teaching us students, and most importantly keep ya head up !!!!




PS - don't be afraid to pig out on some good grub either man ..doesn't usually go to our hips like the gurls !!!


Take care...

[mtsu_av8er]

[ QUOTE ]
PS - don't be afraid to pig out on some good grub either man ..doesn't usually go to our hips like the gurls !!!


[/ QUOTE ]

hey, Hey, Hey....some of us like girls with hips...

[Wannabe2]

LOL, thanks for the support all. Donno what is gonna happen, but she's taking some time to figure it out and in the meantime I'm just trying to fly, play some tennis and stay out of the heat in Florida. The wife is headed to Paris to see the French Open with her mom tomorrow and back in a week. I'll go see her then and see if anything has changed. I'll keep you all posted, but again, thanks for the advice and kind words.

[Wannabe2]

So I just got back to Florida after going to see my wife this weekend. At this point we are seperating and she's taking some time to evaluate if I'm the one she wants to spend the rest of her days with. I will let you all know how it goes, but I don't really see her deciding anything for quite some time.

In the meantime I have to get on with my life and if she decides she wants to work it out with me, we'll evaluate that when the time comes. For the time being, I'll be trying to live the single life again. If anyone remembers how that goes, let me know, it has been too long and I have no idea where to start. lol. Thanks again for the support here, it has helped.

ready2fly, you find any of those cute friends that dig CFI's for me yet?

[ready2fly]

[ QUOTE ]
ready2fly, you find any of those cute friends that dig CFI's for me yet?


[/ QUOTE ]
Sorry to hear that, bro.

Come to Tampa and we'll see what we can dig up for ya.

[montanapilot]

[ QUOTE ]
If anyone remembers how that goes, let me know, it has been too long and I have no idea where to start.

[/ QUOTE ]


heck yeah been livin it for the last 21 years.

[Silverhawk]

Start each day with a healthy dose of Sportcenter !!


.. keep ya head up wannabe..

[clrd4takeoff]

Bottom line!

If she truly loves you; she will stay with you no matter what!

If she wants to leave you; let her go and keep on flying!

You have to look at it as her loss and not yours!

My prayers are with you! Things will work out for the best!

TL