Advice needed about a kid.

[Ian J]

I am a big brother for the big brothers big sisters program and am matched up with an 8-year-old boy. We generally hang out for a few hours on the weekend doing fun activities. We had been matched for a few months and things were going well and he generally enjoyed hanging out with me.

Over the summer he went to stay with his father out of state. Turns out, the father is very against the BBBS program and is upset he didn't get a say when his mother enrolled him. (Mother is sole guardian.) The program recommended I call the kid a few times while he was away to keep in touch. Did that once - the Dad picked up, complained a lot about his kid being in the program and gave me a hard time. His biggest complaints were 1) He doesn't know me and I could be a criminal, child molestor, etc. 2) He doesn't want the kid to have a "father figure" other than him. I tried to explain my intentions and the vetting process BBBS goes through, but he wasn't listening. He then let me on with the kid where we had a two minute stilted converstation and that was that.

After that I talked to the mom and the program director and decided it would be best if I didn't call anymore. I didn't want to get involved in a family squabble and didn't want to cause difficulty for the kid.

Now the kid is back home and big surprise, he is not so enthusiastic about hanging out with me now. He told his mother he didn't want a big brother anymore. His mom is very upset and really wants him in the program and isn't happy with dad at all. Of all the weird reasons the kid could give, he told her "Ian has beer!" One time he saw beer bottles in my recycling bin and asked what Red Hook was. I don't (and am not allowed to) drink around him.

I'll be hanging out with him for the first time since the break this weekend, and would like to see if those of you with kids have some insights on what I can expect and how I should act. I think an 8-year-old will bounce back from this pretty quickly - but I don't really know. Should I address these issues with him right up front or just try and have a fun day and ignore this stuff. I know I don't want to touch the dad issue at all (not my business), but what if he asks why I didn't call more often?

Thanks for any insight.

[jhugz]

First off let me give you a round of applause for donating your time to a good cause.

Sounds like the dad is a major DB. Unfortunately he is still the dad and there is little that can be done about that. You want to save them all but unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that. I recommend leaving it alone and just let the parents, kid, and program figure it out. If it doesn't work out then it sucks, but you did your best.

[jeffm1999]

First, good on you for being involved in BBBS. I grew up without a father and really respect and admire people who contribute to our society in ways like you do.

To your question, I am not a parent (yet) so I may not be the best source of advice, but I will submit my $.02 for your review anywhoo.

You are in a tough spot. I won't waste my time bashing the dad, because I am sure you already know that his parenting skills (or lack thereof) are probably the main reason that you have his kid as your little brother.

I personally think that you should comment on how you have missed hanging out with him and doing fun stuff, and basically just leave it at that. If he is pouting or being angry at you, then ask what he is upset about. Then, just answer all of his questions honestly and tell him how you feel.

Kids are pretty good judges of character, and he will eventually realize that even though dad doesn't like you, you are a good guy. As long as you two have fun together, that's what matters. I bet he will come around.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

[killbilly]

Ian...

Kids are marvelous in the ways they can absorb complex relationship issues. They're also really dumb in the sense that they can't always articulate their feelings or have the emotional experience and padding to process things. This poor kid has gotten a flood of mixed messages ("Ian's great!" "Ian's not so great, but Dad is." "But Dad's not great!") (and yes, I'm oversimplifying it) and he's having a hard time processing all this.

I'd back off entirely. Let him know that you think he's a good kid and you like him, but his parents are his parents and they're the ones who set the boundaries. Let his mom (and him) know that you're around if they want you, and check in with Mom every once in a while to see how he's doing.

Let the kid process all this stuff in his way. Most you can do at this point is be there for him if he wants you there, via Mom and/or Dad if he changes his tune.

[JEP]

"Why you didn't call?" Be honest with him. Let him know that his parents don't see eye-to-eye pm the BBBS program and you didn't want to make his father and himself any more uncomfortable than they already were.

[falconvalley]

Kids have a tendency to see things for what they really are when exposed long enough. Fortunately, he's not around his dad enough to be convinced that his dad has all the answers. I don't know if the dad is a DB or not, but it sounds like he feels like his role of a dad has been reduced. And his actions are quite predictable.

I would be honest with the kid. I would tell him that I understand that his mom really wants him to be in this program and that I understand that his dad doesn't like it. I would also separate myself from the disagreement and make it clear that I'm not involved in those decisions. If I quit the program or elected to stop hanging out with him, the kid would likely just get another Big Brother, so if that's what he wishes, then that's ok. If he would like to hang out with me anyway, then that's ok, too.

[I_Money]

I agree an 8 year old will bounce back very quickly - I would go out and have a fun day, in all honesty an 8 year is not mature enough to understand the delicate and complex relationship between his parents, where he or you stand in it. If he has any big interests I would say now is the time to hit it - if he likes cars call the local Ferrari dealer and tell them he loves cars and if they could come by and have a tour. GO BIG!!!

I would not worry about the beer - he doesn't understand what it is. You are an adult, you are allowed to have an empty beer bottle in your recycle bin. I am sure no one is concerned about it.

[Ian J]

Thanks guys.

[minitour]

Originally Posted by killbilly

Ian...

Kids are marvelous in the ways they can absorb complex relationship issues. They're also really dumb in the sense that they can't always articulate their feelings or have the emotional experience and padding to process things. This poor kid has gotten a flood of mixed messages ("Ian's great!" "Ian's not so great, but Dad is." "But Dad's not great!") (and yes, I'm oversimplifying it) and he's having a hard time processing all this.

I'd back off entirely. Let him know that you think he's a good kid and you like him, but his parents are his parents and they're the ones who set the boundaries. Let his mom (and him) know that you're around if they want you, and check in with Mom every once in a while to see how he's doing.

Let the kid process all this stuff in his way. Most you can do at this point is be there for him if he wants you there, via Mom and/or Dad if he changes his tune.

Couldn't agree more.

-mini

[TheShortOne]

I don't know, I think kids are smarter than you guys are giving them credit for. I think you should take him out and have a good time, and answer any questions he has for you honestly. Kids can smell BS. You could also sort of broach the subject by asking how his trip was and if he had fun, what kinds of things he did with his dad etc. That'll get a conversation going too. If he seems unwilling to talk about it, let it go and let him bring it up again, but I think by approaching it first it lets him know that you're open to talking about it when he's ready for it, but don't force him into it if he's not ready yet. KWIM?

Good luck man, it's a hell of a spot to be in.

[BajtheJino]

Go out, have a good time. If the kid brings it up answer his questions. If not, then show the kid a good time, don't curse and be as positive a role model as you can be. But you have to draw the emotional line somewhere. You're not stepping in as the kids father figure, just a positive role model that happens to be male.

[amjon]

Originally Posted by Ian J

I am a big brother for the big brothers big sisters program and am matched up with an 8-year-old boy. We generally hang out for a few hours on the weekend doing fun activities. We had been matched for a few months and things were going well and he generally enjoyed hanging out with me.

Over the summer he went to stay with his father out of state. Turns out, the father is very against the BBBS program and is upset he didn't get a say when his mother enrolled him. (Mother is sole guardian.) The program recommended I call the kid a few times while he was away to keep in touch. Did that once - the Dad picked up, complained a lot about his kid being in the program and gave me a hard time. His biggest complaints were 1) He doesn't know me and I could be a criminal, child molestor, etc. 2) He doesn't want the kid to have a "father figure" other than him. I tried to explain my intentions and the vetting process BBBS goes through, but he wasn't listening. He then let me on with the kid where we had a two minute stilted converstation and that was that.

After that I talked to the mom and the program director and decided it would be best if I didn't call anymore. I didn't want to get involved in a family squabble and didn't want to cause difficulty for the kid.

Now the kid is back home and big surprise, he is not so enthusiastic about hanging out with me now. He told his mother he didn't want a big brother anymore. His mom is very upset and really wants him in the program and isn't happy with dad at all. Of all the weird reasons the kid could give, he told her "Ian has beer!" One time he saw beer bottles in my recycling bin and asked what Red Hook was. I don't (and am not allowed to) drink around him.

I'll be hanging out with him for the first time since the break this weekend, and would like to see if those of you with kids have some insights on what I can expect and how I should act. I think an 8-year-old will bounce back from this pretty quickly - but I don't really know. Should I address these issues with him right up front or just try and have a fun day and ignore this stuff. I know I don't want to touch the dad issue at all (not my business), but what if he asks why I didn't call more often?

Thanks for any insight.

I don't have kids, but do work with 8 years old. I would not mention anything to him, just have fun. If he wants to talk about it he will bring it up. If he asks why you didn't call just tell him you weren't able. If he keeps asking, just repeat the same.

[Bandit_Driver]

Ian,

Great job in stepping up and working with BBBS program.

Kids are quite smart and I'd just be open and honest with him if he asks any questions. I'd also discuss this with whoever your contact is at BBBS to keep them in the loop and to CYA. Take the kid out and have fun and try to stay out the family BS.

[Ian J]

UPDATE: Worried for nothing. Hung out with him today and it was just like before he left. Had a great time! No questions, no issues - nothing.

Thanks for all the advice!

[TheShortOne]

glad to hear it!!

[Bandit_Driver]

Sweet! Keep up the good work

[Kestrel452]

children's attitudes are like a sine wave...