Gonna Be A Daddy ... with no family in town...

[Bog]

It's time for me to ask for advice. My wife & I found out last week that she's pregnant. We're beyond thrilled and excited, especially because we got lucky on the first try.

Amongst all of my other concerns, this one is bugging me. We live in the PHX area. My parents are closest, and they're in Palm Springs, CA. Her parents are in TN. I have a sister in Tucson, but that's still 1:45 away.

For anyone who has been in a similar situation, do you have any tips? We have a handful of friends from church and my wife's job who are within 20 minutes, and would probably be able to drop just about anything if something happens while I'm out of town. I just want to make sure that I'm doing all I can to make life as stress-free as possible for her.

Thanks!

[fly22]

My wife's family is all from AU so they are more than 10k miles away and not exactly close. Having been there and done that this would be my advise.

Ask her who she wants there and then see if they can be.

She might not want anyone there for the actual delivery and if that is the case don't stress about people showing up.

The fact of the matter is more than your mother in law being there is over kill. There isn't much they can do anyways. If I were you I would worry more about having someone there to help give her a break when you are gone on a trip. The nights can be killers and sometimes is nice for the Ole lady to just be able to sleep.

[Doug Taylor]

You've got family in town, bro. Just not 'child experienced' family!

[Bog]

My biggest area of concern is during the next 8 or so months while she's pregnant. Once the baby arrives, between her maternity leave and my FMLA, plus help from our moms, we'll get through the end of the school year and then we're good. I'm worried about being on the road in January or February and something goes wrong and I'm not here.

Of course, once the baby gets here, I'll start worrying about leaving her here by herself with the baby. I suppose a certain amount of worrying is good, but then again people have been doing this for hundreds of years, and quite often without any family nearby.

[Buzo]

I know exactly what you are going through. We live in Illinois, my family is in Seattle, and my wifes family is in Virginia. It is tough, but it works. We were also building a house when my wife was pregant the first time.

Most people will offer to help, and you need to take them up on it. I was commuting for the last 3 months of her pregnancy, but we worked out my schedule so I would be home for most of her appointments. When we knew the birth was very imminent, I started my FMLA. The thing to remember, is you do not need to take all of your FMLA at the same time. You can use some to take care of your wife, and then some later for child bonding.

We are currently expecting our 2nd child. Luckily we are moved into our house, and we have a great support group with our neighbors, who understand the challenges associated with my job. They have been very helpful, and my wife is finally using the resources she has.

The biggest thing to remember is that your family is your number 1 priority, and work is below it. Make sure your chief pilot knows what is going on, and keep them informed of any issues so you can get home if you need to.

[jynxyjoe]

I have a dummy question for you all. Only reason I don't bring up a separate thread is I believe it will help the OP too.

Balance of work vs family.

My dad always worked hard and a lot and missed a lot of things but gave us a great, and comfortable life. I'd like to do something similar, but at what point does work come before family? Is there a litmus test where one guy can look at what I do and say, "hey moron, get your priorities straight!".

Miss a few birthdays here and there and some holidays is alright right?

[MQAAord]

Our military people have been missing birthdays & holidays for hundreds of years...

Missing the holi"day" is no big deal AT ALL. Just have your holiday a few days early or late.

Most CPs are very understanding, Bill's CVG CP in 2005 went above and beyond in helping us out when our #2 arrived 4 weeks early. Just try to relax and take it one day at a time.

[zwalters]

sometimes not having family close is a blessing. especially when your wife has just given birth and is still dealing with horomones and your mother and mother-in-law are both menopausal. that ain't a good mix in my experience. We've done just fine with no family being close but having plenty of friends is a good thing.

[minitour]

Originally Posted by jynxyjoe

...at what point does work come before family?

To me, it doesn't. Ever. Period.

YMMV.

-mini

[mshunter]

I did the whole "I'm pregnant" thing with all family more than 1500 miles away (I was FL and both of our entire families were in CA). It wasn't to hard for the two fo us, but I think I was lucky. Just be supportive, and put your own wants and needs aside. There were times when I was ready to throw in the towel, but the end result is in my avatar. They way I saw it was there were days when I had to have enough sanity for the two of us. And when you get that moment when things are on an even keel, use that time to get away if even for only a few minutes. If you can't keep your sanity, and you are haveing to provide it for two, who's gonna fly the damn plane?

Sit back and watch the hormones take effect, THEY WILL RAGE! But understand that it's only temporary, and think of that before you go crazy and want to scream and yell. "It's only temporary." It's kinda like traffic watch. You know it'll be over soon.

Oh yeah, as for holidays and birthdays...... People all over the world have done it for generations. I have family in Italy and Austrlia. I guess you know that they are important, and that they love you, but the distance just isn't compatible. It's not the end of the world, because now you have your family to watch out for.

[bunghole]

Originally Posted by Bog

I just want to make sure that I'm doing all I can to make life as stress-free as possible for her.

Thanks!

From now and about 12 months after the birth do the following:

1. Put all your hobbies to rest.
2. Ask her who she would like as a personal backup in case your not in town.
3. Go to every Dr. appointment you can.
4. More than ever....be patient and don't expect rational thoughts/actions at this time. Stress and hormones make for exciting times.

Good luck!

[bunghole]

Originally Posted by minitour

To me, it doesn't. Ever. Period.

YMMV.

-mini

[ljg]

Originally Posted by minitour

To me, it doesn't. Ever. Period.

YMMV.

-mini

Easily said, not easily done.
I quit flying freight to marry my wife (no regrets there, except to find jobs we had to be in Fort Lauderdale) and we now live 1,500 miles from either of our families.

[patty@myflightsurgeon.com]

Originally Posted by bunghole

From now and about 12 months after the birth do the following:

1. Put all your hobbies to rest.
2. Ask her who she would like as a personal backup in case your not in town.
3. Go to every Dr. appointment you can.
4. More than ever....be patient and don't expect rational thoughts/actions at this time. Stress and hormones make for exciting times.

Good luck!

Through my last 2 pregnancies I lived here in AZ and my mom in Colo. What we did is the last 2 months she came and stayed with us until the baby came. Less stress on me and like the saying says " If mama is happy everyone is happy" LOL

[400A]

Originally Posted by jynxyjoe

I have a dummy question for you all. Only reason I don't bring up a separate thread is I believe it will help the OP too.

Balance of work vs family.

My dad always worked hard and a lot and missed a lot of things but gave us a great, and comfortable life. I'd like to do something similar, but at what point does work come before family? Is there a litmus test where one guy can look at what I do and say, "hey moron, get your priorities straight!".

Miss a few birthdays here and there and some holidays is alright right?

There is no litmus test. Family is much MUCH more than birthdays, football games, etc. There is no way to quantify a balance between work and family, do what needs to be done and try to be a better parent than your parents.

A side note, some woman really milk this pregnancy thing for all its worth. My wife, bless her heart, was working the day she delivered, back on her feet in a few days and was by herself for 2 months while I was off at initial. Never complained once and even said it was a good thing, taught her to rely on herself and how to get things done without being "pampered".

[Bandit_Driver]

You can never estimate the value of close friends and family. It is always tough beinging away so much. I'd talk to some of your closest freinds that would be willing to help out if needed. You'd be suprised how just a few hour break will be appreaciated by your wife even if it is only once a week.

Show your wife where all the utility shut offs are in the house and how to isolate fixutres if they have their own shutoffs. Sometime if stuff breaks it can wait until you get home, if not find a few repair companies that you trust ahead of time.

As far as missing stuff with the kids and family it will happen from time to time. All you can try to do is plan/bid according and hope you get what you want off. If not then try trip trades. I personally try not to miss important dates if I can. Also don't take OT, unless you absolutely need it. Lastly and most importantly, try to squeeze in a date night at least once of month where you and your wife doing something by yourselves.

Congrats on the little one.

[splash]

Originally Posted by zwalters

sometimes not having family close is a blessing. especially when your wife has just given birth and is still dealing with horomones and your mother and mother-in-law are both menopausal. that ain't a good mix in my experience. \

You brilliantly pulled the words out of my mouth!

That is just what I am going through right now on top of being unemployed AGAIN!

To the OP...just be thankful you have a job! What's the problem exactly? Did I miss something? Can your family make it without you having a flying job? If so, then give it up and spend some time with family. If not, do what you gotta do! You have that choice. Keep it simple.

[TUCKnTRUCK]

Originally Posted by jynxyjoe

I have a dummy question for you all. Only reason I don't bring up a separate thread is I believe it will help the OP too.

Balance of work vs family.

My dad always worked hard and a lot and missed a lot of things but gave us a great, and comfortable life. I'd like to do something similar, but at what point does work come before family? Is there a litmus test where one guy can look at what I do and say, "hey moron, get your priorities straight!".

Miss a few birthdays here and there and some holidays is alright right?

To be honest, and I am very new at this, I will walk from this job in a hearbeat if it starts to get in the way too much.

That being said, it is a HUGE help to have family you wife trusts near by. The 40 weeks of pregnancy are ok, missing you will be hard on her, but the 6-10 weeks after delivery, will be much, much harder. Hormones are changing, the whole bonding thing is going on etc. I took 8 weeks off, and would have liked to spend more time at home. If she goes back to work ( she will prob, change her mind 5x after having the kid) It would be a good idea to be home for that, so she isn't totally freaked by the transition.

You really don't need a litmus test, it's more of a feeling I think. As long as you listen, most people will know where the balance is.

[NotCoolEnufToFly]

I know this is a bit late but I thought I'd give my $.02 anyways because according to your ticker the baby still isn't here.

I don't know your wife and all women are different, but having just had a baby not long ago maybe this will help. The time I needed the most help, whether it be another pair of helping hands or just someone for emotional support, was during the actual labor process and for a few weeks following bringing the baby home. The labor process is long and painful (before the epidural anyways) and if it's your first, you really don't know what to expect plus there's always the chance of having to end up with a c-section or something else going wrong. It was just a time that I really needed emotional support. Now when we have our next one, I feel like I could do it alone if I had to but I'm glad my husband was there for the first. Afterwards you're tired and stilll healing and you really need someone there to make sure you can get adequate sleep so that you can heal quickly. Someone to help with the baby when you need to rest and/or help with the house chores so you can bond with your new baby.