Pilot VS. Relationships

[Firebird2XC]

Originally Posted by killbilly

This, precisely, is the point, I think.

You're right - love and marriage ARE emotional, spiritual events. But after the last of the rice has been thrown and the cake has been eaten and the glow dies down, you have the day to day reality to work with. It's cliche'd to say that it takes work, but you have to realize that the work involved shouldn't feel like drudgery.

I agree. My point is this- you said that too many people get married for the wrong reasons? Understood and agreed with. I'm just proposing that you eliminate those reasons at the very beginning. Put it all out on the table and be done with it.

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by Firebird2XC

I agree. My point is this- you said that too many people get married for the wrong reasons? Understood and agreed with. I'm just proposing that you eliminate those reasons at the very beginning. Put it all out on the table and be done with it.

That's the thing though - you can't really get them to get it out on the table.

Ask any couple 3 months before their wedding if they're getting married for the right reasons, and they will say, "sure!"

Ask them the day of the wedding, you'll get the same answer.

Ask them a year or three into it, and you're likely to get some different answers.

Part of the problem I see a lot of young couples having is unrealistic expectations of the marriage - and my first wife and I were guilty of that. At least we had an amicable divorce.

This is why I am a HUGE HUGE proponent of premarital counseling. I think it should be mandatory, actually.

[Firebird2XC]

Originally Posted by killbilly

That's the thing though - you can't really get them to get it out on the table.

Ask any couple 3 months before their wedding if they're getting married for the right reasons, and they will say, "sure!"

Ask them the day of the wedding, you'll get the same answer.

Ask them a year or three into it, and you're likely to get some different answers.

Part of the problem I see a lot of young couples having is unrealistic expectations of the marriage - and my first wife and I were guilty of that. At least we had an amicable divorce.

This is why I am a HUGE HUGE proponent of premarital counseling. I think it should be mandatory, actually.

If I can't come right out and talk about it with my prospective bride-to-be, I'm going to question her motives. Once I start doing that, I'm going to wonder if I can trust her. Ahh yes, the beginning of the end.

Starry-eyed, naive notions of love and romance don't always mesh well with the real world. If you can't talk about and really be honest with each other, there's not really much hope in the first place, eh?

Perhaps I expect too much of people, including myself. While nobody wants to be alone indefinitely, I'd take that over rationalizing an expression of weakness as a positive thing any day.

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by Firebird2XC

If I can't come right out and talk about it with my prospective bride-to-be, I'm going to question her motives. Once I start doing that, I'm going to wonder if I can trust her. Ahh yes, the beginning of the end.

Starry-eyed, naive notions of love and romance don't always mesh well with the real world. If you can't talk about and really be honest with each other, there's not really much hope in the first place, eh?

Perhaps I expect too much of people, including myself. While nobody wants to be alone indefinitely, I'd take that over rationalizing an expression of weakness as a positive thing any day.

You're right - the more granular point I was trying to express (and should have) is that often people simply can't tell the difference between the image in their heads and reality. It requires an emotional maturity that a lot of people believe they have, and then find out later that they didn't. At least, that was my case. Couples who lack it, but develop it together, in my opinion, have the Right Stuff when it comes to marriage.

I may get married again someday, but, (and this is going to sound REALLY cynical) I prefer a spouse who has already been married before, also. There is something about being divorced that other divorced people understand, and I'd like to find a like-minded woman who learned from her mistakes just like I did. Make sense?

[Cessna414JJB]

Originally Posted by killbilly

You're right - the more granular point I was trying to express (and should have) is that often people simply can't tell the difference between the image in their heads and reality. It requires an emotional maturity that a lot of people believe they have, and then find out later that they didn't. At least, that was my case. Couples who lack it, but develop it together, in my opinion, have the Right Stuff when it comes to marriage.

I may get married again someday, but, (and this is going to sound REALLY cynical) I prefer a spouse who has already been married before, also. There is something about being divorced that other divorced people understand, and I'd like to find a like-minded woman who learned from her mistakes just like I did. Make sense?

Does not sound cynical at all.

[Firebird2XC]

Originally Posted by killbilly

You're right - the more granular point I was trying to express (and should have) is that often people simply can't tell the difference between the image in their heads and reality. It requires an emotional maturity that a lot of people believe they have, and then find out later that they didn't. At least, that was my case. Couples who lack it, but develop it together, in my opinion, have the Right Stuff when it comes to marriage.

I may get married again someday, but, (and this is going to sound REALLY cynical) I prefer a spouse who has already been married before, also. There is something about being divorced that other divorced people understand, and I'd like to find a like-minded woman who learned from her mistakes just like I did. Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. Anybody who's already been around the block know's what's-what. I'm down with that. Same circumstances, really.

[BigJetLilJet]

Originally Posted by future pilot

Well as some of you know i despiratley want to become an airline pilot. This weekend although i was in my cousins wedding. Having fun at the reception last night. Everyone drinking, (Getting a little drunk). And talking with a bunch of chicks with my cousins. Then today we had the gift opening. just a few hours ago we were all talking in the backyard about the honeymoon.

Anyways im just thinking to myself. When i whant to get married, I whant to be able to see my wife. You know? Well enough of that stuff to my question. As a pilot do relationships work out as well? Or do they turn out the same? Or worse where you end up getting a devorce? Let me know from your expirences or what you think! thanks!!

Married for 20 years and 17 have been flying. I know its time to go when she states, don't you have a trip to go on? After a trip its always good to be back and I'm assuming she is glad also. My only gripe is the honey to do list gets longer. I only like the last item on the list!

[Cessna414JJB]

Originally Posted by BigJetLilJet

Married for 20 years and 17 have been flying. I know its time to go when she states, don't you have a trip to go on? After a trip its always good to be back and I'm assuming she is glad also. My only gripe is the honey to do list gets longer. I only like the last item on the list!

Huh? Trash? Hmmm, you're a sick puppie...

[Old Dominion Flyer]

Originally Posted by killbilly

This is why I am a HUGE HUGE proponent of premarital counseling. I think it should be mandatory, actually.

Anyone care to comment on premarital counseling? At the moment, I'm enduring the guantlet of premarital counseling that is the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic myself, so it seems both thorough and intimidating at times. For the sake of comparison, what is premarital counseling like when it isn't affiliated with a church?

[killbilly]

Originally Posted by Old Dominion Flyer

Anyone care to comment on premarital counseling? At the moment, I'm enduring the guantlet of premarital counseling that is the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic myself, so it seems both thorough and intimidating at times. For the sake of comparison, what is premarital counseling like when it isn't affiliated with a church?

Depends on who's doing it. There are secular options among psychologists who specialize in couples. You can usually get referrals. We did do a very little bit of premarital counseling (should have done a LOT more) with a Psychologist who happens to also be a minister. However, we established pretty early on that we were not the religious sort, so he sorta kept it secular per our wishes.

[Cessna414JJB]

Originally Posted by Old Dominion Flyer

Anyone care to comment on premarital counseling? At the moment, I'm enduring the guantlet of premarital counseling that is the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic myself, so it seems both thorough and intimidating at times. For the sake of comparison, what is premarital counseling like when it isn't affiliated with a church?

It's sessions with a priest, trying to get you to think twice about the step you are going to take. Kind of like a good ADM session, where someone else can be a encouraging figure towards a healthy dose of habitual thinking and helping two young people to hammer out a mission statement for what is to come. However, I doubt highly that a Catholic Priest (I was raised Catholic) is capable to comprehend what is truly involved in marriage (or in any sort of relationship that exceeds masturbating) which is supposed to remain within the envelope of total spiritual and mental submission. They are outside of the envelope, looking in. 2000 year old religion against safer sex, screwing around and own mental development... I don't know. Youngsters must literally snooze off when this starts.

Good friends, parents or even grandparents know waaay more about you than you think and they can (given their sometimes long term marriages) in fact comment and tell you what it takes to make it work. Unfortunately it takes two, to take this advise serious and move beyond the usual clutter introduced by sex and money...

[Bandit_Driver]

Originally Posted by future pilot

Well as some of you know i despiratley want to become an airline pilot. This weekend although i was in my cousins wedding. Having fun at the reception last night. Everyone drinking, (Getting a little drunk). And talking with a bunch of chicks with my cousins. Then today we had the gift opening. just a few hours ago we were all talking in the backyard about the honeymoon.

Anyways im just thinking to myself. When i whant to get married, I whant to be able to see my wife. You know? Well enough of that stuff to my question. As a pilot do relationships work out as well? Or do they turn out the same? Or worse where you end up getting a devorce? Let me know from your expirences or what you think! thanks!!

Being a pilot and in a marriage can be touch at times but they do not all end in divorce. My wife and I have been married for 6 years tomorrow. I have been a pilot since we met so that helps. I was very open with her about my career and the time away and other sacrifices that are involved with it. She is very independent and understanding which helps a lot when I am on the road for 15-18 days. It is also hard on the kids too because you are a part time parent and you need to make the most of your time off. All I can say is be up front with your partner about your career and all its ups and downs (no pun intended) and introduce them to Jetgirls. It is a great support group for the wives of pilots.

Good Luck.

[BrewMaster]

Originally Posted by Old Dominion Flyer

Anyone care to comment on premarital counseling? At the moment, I'm enduring the guantlet of premarital counseling that is the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic myself, so it seems both thorough and intimidating at times. For the sake of comparison, what is premarital counseling like when it isn't affiliated with a church?

I am getting married in a couple months......OH GOD! We are in the middle of marriage counseling. I was raised Lutheran and she is Catholic, almost the same thing. I really don't mind the classes, I actually get a little bored, but if I was worried about the answers on our test and how I would defend them, or how she would react would probably be reason enough to REALLY worry. We are both very easy going people, and we both are mature enough to have empathy and understanding. I let it be known that flying is my career choice. This means I won't be home every night, I may miss a B-Day party here, or a holiday there, but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate them when I'm home. I wanted to make it clear that I will occasionally miss some things and if she wants to argue about it she better come armed because I will have tons of ammo.

Back to the original post.....

Dude, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. The only things worth worrying about are the things you can control right now.

[Bandit_Driver]

Originally Posted by Old Dominion Flyer

Anyone care to comment on premarital counseling? At the moment, I'm enduring the guantlet of premarital counseling that is the Catholic church. I'm not Catholic myself, so it seems both thorough and intimidating at times. For the sake of comparison, what is premarital counseling like when it isn't affiliated with a church?

I am not sure what it is like outside of the Catholic church but I am Catholic and my wife is Luthern. Marriage counseling is designed to make sure you both are ready for marriage and to get you to work on communicating with your spouse. The Catholic church is full of traditions and can be intimidating at times. Although the priest should be non-confrontational and understanding. If he isn't find another church IMO. You definately will want to discuss with your spouse how you will raise your kids in regards to religion. This could be a huge fight down the road unless you work it out now.

You may also want to discuss whether or not to do Holy Communion at the wedding. The Catholic church will not allow non-catholics to receive communion during the wedding. This can be awkward during a wedding of mixed faiths and may have the other faith feel somewhat alienated. My wife and I chose not to have communion at our wedding just for that reason.

[Dynasty22]

As soon as the partner complains about you not being home for Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial Day weekend, July 4th, Labor day, and then to the more extreme your anniversary and birthdays (over the past 2 years, each of them has happened)

[Nick]

Originally Posted by Dynasty22

As soon as the partner complains about you not being home for Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial Day weekend, July 4th, Labor day, and then to the more extreme your anniversary and birthdays (over the past 2 years, each of them has happened)

Is there more to this statement? I read it as the first half of a sentence. Like, "as soon as . . . then"

[Dynasty22]

Originally Posted by Nick

Is there more to this statement? I read it as the first half of a sentence. Like, "as soon as . . . then"

uh they completely leave you?

[amjon]

Originally Posted by Dynasty22

uh they completely leave you?

Why would they leave if they know that is the case going in? It is not like you had a 9-5 job, then all of a sudden switch. If they can't accept the schedule, they should know that before it gets too serious.

[MQAAord]

Originally Posted by Dynasty22

uh they completely leave you?

Uh, no not always.

I've been married 7 years, dated for 14 years. We've missed LOTS of Christmases, birthdays, etc. With the right person it can work out just fine.

[t-cart]

Originally Posted by MQAAord

Uh, no not always.

I've been married 7 years, dated for 14 years. We've missed LOTS of Christmases, birthdays, etc. With the right person it can work out just fine.

That is right. "right person" being key.

[WalterSobchak]

Originally Posted by future pilot

Well as some of you know i despiratley want to become an airline pilot. This weekend although i was in my cousins wedding. Having fun at the reception last night. Everyone drinking, (Getting a little drunk). And talking with a bunch of chicks with my cousins. Then today we had the gift opening. just a few hours ago we were all talking in the backyard about the honeymoon.

Anyways im just thinking to myself. When i want to get married, I want to be able to see my wife. You know? Well enough of that stuff to my question. As a pilot do relationships work out as well? Or do they turn out the same? Or worse where you end up getting a devorce? Let me know from your expirences or what you think! thanks!!

I would say its close to the same. Probably 50/50. The fact that I don't get along with my wife is unrelated to aviation. Aviation is probably prolonging our marriage due to time away and not arguing. I think the biggest problem with marriage is when you get married too young you can grow apart as you both settle into to your adult lives. That applies to aviation as well as regular jobs. I would caution against getting married to young in aviation so you can be more free to take that job with out hesitating or the need to commute. However every one has different desires and the importance of marriage and family means different things for others. Some people dream of having a family and some dream of being at a major airline. Neither is wrong just make sure you stay honest with yourself on what you want.

[mattc206]

I can now say I've been their-experienced that, Long distance stuff, with a flight attendant none the less....she was based 300km from where I am and when we met, were involved she was just in training to be a f/a, no idea about aviation life, etc she wanted me to move to the city where she lived...i said give me a year to do it...well it went down hill after that...we both said if we had met maybe in a few years when she knew more about the life style and are accustomed to it we would be hoppping a plane to vegas to get married...but right now...two strong headed and stubbron people...didnt work out....funny thing is shes based in London, UK now... lol

[Rontux]

Things that have to be forced to work should not work. Nature has a funny way of making everything that should work, work. I am just saying. I have been in a relationship for 27 months. The girl lives in New York and I am in Indiana. Having been through A LOT of relationships I can say that this one is the best, because it is not forced. We don't have to pretend to be someone who we are not. I don't know why people stick around with people they can't even stand. The bottom line is, you should be with someone who makes YOU feel special and makes YOUR LIFE BETTER. If they don't, why the hell would you want to live with them? Life is too short, buddy! good luck

[mikecweb]

Originally Posted by Rontux

Things that have to be forced to work should not work. Nature has a funny way of making everything that should work, work. I am just saying. I have been in a relationship for 27 months. The girl lives in New York and I am in Indiana. Having been through A LOT of relationships I can say that this one is the best, because it is not forced. We don't have to pretend to be someone who we are not. I don't know why people stick around with people they can't even stand. The bottom line is, you should be with someone who makes YOU feel special and makes YOUR LIFE BETTER. If they don't, why the hell would you want to live with them? Life is too short, buddy! good luck

How does she feel about your interest in big titted cartoon characters?

[Rontux]

Originally Posted by mikecweb

How does she feel about your interest in big titted cartoon characters?

Well considering she's the one who sent me the link, I suppose she's ok with it! hahahaha

....really though, if your relationship is harmed by a cartoon character? LOL. I'd say that's a pretty unstable relationship right there!! The best relationships have a solid core, of course. They are very resistant to the world. I have had really good friends with girlfriends who told them who to talk to, what they could and couldn't do, who they should act like, etc, etc. What a waste of a life. God gave you an ability to be yourself, so you mise well use it. And like I said before, relationships are all about synergy. If the synergy is not there, there is no point to the relationship. It has died. People who live together with no common purpose, no love, no respect? They are just bringing each other down. There are so many fresh people out there waiting to be loved and just waiting to be paired with that perfect person...does love take work? Oh sure, everything does. it's not always easy. But it is always worth it, if it's right. If it's not right, it's not worth it. Thats the bottom line.

I tell you something, if my girlfriend told me what I could and couldn't do, I'd have left a LONG time ago, as would she. We don't do that. That is stupid, it's selfish, and worst of all, it FAILS!! If I want to have band practice for 5 hours, and she wants to go out with her girlfriends, so be it. We both have seperate lives and we need to respect that. I have learned from mistakes. You can never control anybody. It doesn't work. Anyone who reads this can disregard it if they like, but like I said, it's just form years of failed relationships, and finally finding the right one. When I am with my girlfriend nothing can make me upset. I would never want to be with anyone else. I tried to say that with other girls; it was forced. This time around it's natural and true. So I either learned from the past, I am the luckiest mofo in the world, of both. But I can attest to true love and say it is NOT supposed to be a fight.

If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. Life is just too damn short!!

Take care!