Engagement Dilemma

I_Money · April 21st, 2008, 15:29

So my gf and I have been dating for 14 months, and have lived together for almost 10. From very early on, we both knew we were meant to be together, but said we would get engaged after our one year anniversary. Over the past month we have been looking at rings, I have been planning on how I am going to propose, both of us are very excited about getting engaged.

Well she has a brother, he is 5 years older than her, and has been dating his girlfriend for 9 years. They own a house together, and are practically married, they just never got around to the formalities.

Well we learnt he is going to pop the big question in the next couple of months - the motivation is he does not want us to get engaged first. We are very pleased for them, and know the family will be delighted he is doing this, however if we do it soon after they will be disapointed at us for stealing the glory.

We don't want to two engagements in such a short period of time, as I am sure they don't but what are we meant to do? Should we wait 3 months after theirs? 6? I had promised my gf a ring before she went to Africa this summer? Plan with her bro, to both do it on the same day?

I am not sure what is happening about the weddings yet either -

Any advice? Get her pregnant then they will be eager for us to tie the knot?

TheShortOne · April 21st, 2008, 15:34

i'd do it with the bro on the same day - that's fun!

or maybe right before she goes to africa (or in africa if you're going with)

powellgal · April 21st, 2008, 15:39

I completely understand your dilemma... I have learned however, that as much as you respect family (yours and hers) you cannot please everyone and you two should continue on in your respective plan. It's not fair for her brother to expect you to change YOUR plans because he never went through with the formalities until now. And... if I was her brother's girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset if the only reason he was ready to marry me now was because he was in competition for who was going to get around to it first.

Maybe I'm supposed to be telling you to wait 6 months and everything will be fine, but if you start now with letting them tell you when you get married, before you know it, they're going to get mad at you when you get pregnant before they do and then life will always be a competition.

I_Money · April 21st, 2008, 16:20

I am thinking of trying to come up with a special date/event to propose that way we can do it on schedule, but people will understand why we did it then.

One of the horses she rode is in the Derby in a couple weeks - maybe that one of those special days.

SeatClutcher · April 21st, 2008, 16:40

Can't you ask her when you want to and just hold off on announcing it? The engagement is between you two, after all.

cmsuav8r · April 21st, 2008, 17:07

What if her brother still doesn't get around to it and you are stuck there waiting?

TheWife · April 21st, 2008, 17:31

For sure do not alter your plans based on other family members. Her brother may propose but then still have a long engagement or may end up not getting married at all. Personally, I'd want a different wedding day, I wouldn't want to share w/ my brother so I wouldn't try to do that unless they are really close and both WANT to, but I can't imagine they would.

mattp1803 · April 21st, 2008, 19:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by powellgal

I completely understand your dilemma... I have learned however, that as much as you respect family (yours and hers) you cannot please everyone and you two should continue on in your respective plan. It's not fair for her brother to expect you to change YOUR plans because he never went through with the formalities until now. And... if I was her brother's girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset if the only reason he was ready to marry me now was because he was in competition for who was going to get around to it first.

Maybe I'm supposed to be telling you to wait 6 months and everything will be fine, but if you start now with letting them tell you when you get married, before you know it, they're going to get mad at you when you get pregnant before they do and then life will always be a competition.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Nick · April 22nd, 2008, 16:43

If you are shopping for rings together and have a timeline of when you are going to get engaged, aren't you essentially engaged already??

Minus a piece of jewelry I'd classify your situation as "engaged."

akrand · April 22nd, 2008, 17:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by powellgal

I completely understand your dilemma... I have learned however, that as much as you respect family (yours and hers) you cannot please everyone and you two should continue on in your respective plan. It's not fair for her brother to expect you to change YOUR plans because he never went through with the formalities until now. And... if I was her brother's girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset if the only reason he was ready to marry me now was because he was in competition for who was going to get around to it first.

Maybe I'm supposed to be telling you to wait 6 months and everything will be fine, but if you start now with letting them tell you when you get married, before you know it, they're going to get mad at you when you get pregnant before they do and then life will always be a competition.

I totally agree with this. I think you should just stick to your plan. I think its a bit rude, and selfish, for the brother to expect you to hold off on your plans just b/c he suddenly decided it was time to get engaged just b/c you two were getting engaged.

madmax · April 23rd, 2008, 15:28

Stick to your plans. If he has waited 9 years then he can wait a little longer.

N826AW · April 23rd, 2008, 18:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by madmax

Stick to your plans. If he has waited 9 years then he can wait a little longer.

Exactly. If he was so concerned about exclusivity, then maybe he should have done it a few years ago.

Congrats on popping the question and best of luck to the both of you.

Bumblebee · April 23rd, 2008, 19:21

If her brother's entire motivation is to get engaged before you, tell him he better get with it because it could happen any day now! You gave him fair warning

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheShortOne

i'd do it with the bro on the same day - that's fun!

good one

Quote:

Originally Posted by I_Money

I am thinking of trying to come up with a special date/event to propose that way we can do it on schedule, but people will understand why we did it then.

One of the horses she rode is in the Derby in a couple weeks - maybe that one of those special days.

really good idea

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

Can't you ask her when you want to and just hold off on announcing it? The engagement is between you two, after all.

why wouldn't this work?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWife

For sure do not alter your plans based on other family members. Her brother may propose but then still have a long engagement or may end up not getting married at all. Personally, I'd want a different wedding day, I wouldn't want to share w/ my brother so I wouldn't try to do that unless they are really close and both WANT to, but I can't imagine they would.

this is sage advise

Baronman · April 23rd, 2008, 21:29

My advice....Wait till you're 30. ;-)

flyguy · April 24th, 2008, 22:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baronman

My advice....Wait till you're 30. ;-)

I'd say 35

Kristie · April 25th, 2008, 11:58

What makes 35 any different from 30?

35, you're more set in your ways than you were at 30 (more difficult to handle "change"), it's more difficult to conceive if you plan on having children and you've missed out on 5 years of joint taxes (which can, if you do it right, save some $$) plus you might have your own home by then which you'd have to sell and a whole other slew of problems.

at 30, you're definitely more mature and ready/apt to relax than in your 20's...but i didn't see a huge difference between 30 and 35.

so what's the difference?

flyguy · April 25th, 2008, 13:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristie

it's more difficult to conceive if you plan on having children

I'm saying the guy should be 35, she can be 22

J/K

Either way I was just kidding. Although its probably going to be several more years before I even think about settling down again. But that's just my own personal situation. But now that I'm in this industry I see a lot of temptation that pilots (and their wives at home) are faced with, and it takes a certain maturity to overcome all that. A lot of the 30 year-olds I've flown with aren't ready for marriage, myself inculuded (I'm only 28). But after 35, those are the ones who I can look at and can tell they are good husbands. But everyone is different.

Oh yeah, and you have to be 35 to run for president and that's only a 4-year commitment. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Bad analogy I know. LOL

flyguy · April 25th, 2008, 13:08

P.S.

I'm soooooooooo never going to marry a flight attendant, nor do I recommend it.

MQAAord · April 25th, 2008, 13:22

Funny, most flight attendants say the same thing about pilots.

flyguy · April 25th, 2008, 14:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by MQAAord

Funny, most flight attendants say the same thing about pilots.

Well, I've never had a pilot hit on me like a drunken prom date for 4 days straight.

Kristie · April 25th, 2008, 14:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by flyguy

I'm saying the guy should be 35, she can be 22

J/K

Either way I was just kidding. Although its probably going to be several more years before I even think about settling down again. But that's just my own personal situation. But now that I'm in this industry I see a lot of temptation that pilots (and their wives at home) are faced with, and it takes a certain maturity to overcome all that. A lot of the 30 year-olds I've flown with aren't ready for marriage, myself inculuded (I'm only 28). But after 35, those are the ones who I can look at and can tell they are good husbands. But everyone is different.

Oh yeah, and you have to be 35 to run for president and that's only a 4-year commitment. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Bad analogy I know. LOL

I hear what you're saying Eric.

This industry is quite a bit different from the typical 8-5er home every night type.

MQAAord · April 25th, 2008, 16:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by flyguy

Well, I've never had a pilot hit on me like a drunken prom date for 4 days straight.

I have!

flyguy · April 25th, 2008, 22:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by MQAAord

I have!

HAHA, I bet you have Amber.

I bet you have.

atpwannabe · April 26th, 2008, 02:06

Wait till you hear my story:

Bought an engagement ring back on 3/31/08 for my g/f. Now she is my fiance. About a week or so later, I'm in the Palm Beach Gardens Mall having to buy ring guards. No problem. While at work, put ring that's still in case in my mid console in my car. Take it out when I get home from work. Go out that night and get snockered.

Wake up the next morning and forget that I took the ring out of the car and put it away. I'm freaking out. Call my fiance and tell her I lost the ring. Two weeks later, which is tonight, 4/25/08 at about 9:30pm, I find the ring. Call her and let her know that I found the ring. What did I do....

went out and got snockered!!!!

Yeah BABy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

atp

flyguy · April 26th, 2008, 02:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by atpwannabe

Wait till you hear my story:

Bought an engagement ring back on 3/31/08 for my g/f. Now she is my fiance. About a week or so later, I'm in the Palm Beach Gardens Mall having to buy ring guards. No problem. While at work, put ring that's still in case in my mid console in my car. Take it out when I get home from work. Go out that night and get snockered.

Wake up the next morning and forget that I took the ring out of the car and put it away. I'm freaking out. Call my fiance and tell her I lost the ring. Two weeks later, which is tonight, 4/25/08 at about 9:30pm, I find the ring. Call her and let her know that I found the ring. What did I do....

went out and got snockered!!!!

Yeah BABy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

atp

HAHAHAHAHA that's awesome!!!!! Drink up bro!!!!