girlfriend issues

[N8081G]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

Hey, I'm not one to really talk about my personal life... but I'm in a bad position at the moment with my longterm girlfriend. I'm looking for any advice.

My situation: I fly freight and live in a town that's 350 miles away from my g/f. She's in grad school at the moment working on her PhD... we've been doing this for about 2 years now. Prior to this we'd lived together for years. Amazingly we went for the first year and a half of living 300 miles apart without any large issues. It's been really nice actually-- she proved to me that we'd actually work together with me being a pilot. She's extremely independent and has proven that above and beyond. We ran into some issues about 6 months ago, worked through those... and hit a rough patch about a month and a half ago where she actually 'broke' up with me. She wasn't sure if we were right for one another. Weird deal actually-- we were talking about engagement rings on Sunday, everything sounded ok on wed., thurs. I new something was wrong... Friday and it was supposedly done. Within three weeks, with a lot of convincing... and more new clothes than I've bought in years... I talked her into dinner. Dinner went very well, we essentially got back together. Everything has been a little weird... but I've went out of my way to make sure everything's been as perfect as possible-- I made the trek on weekends... and did my best to have wonderful dates. It went well. Things would be great on saturday/sunday after the first 30 minutes of awkward... I'd head home sunday, talk with her throughout the week... and by the end of the week you could hear her having doubts (the distance is killing me at the moment I think). She didn't want me to come this weekend because of school work... she just called me (sunday night) and says she wants to take a 'break'.

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody? Also, where should I go from here? She wasn't as negative about us this time around... but it's not positive. She already has agreed to meet me from dinner in a couple weeks. I'm fairly confident I can convince her back. Any ideas on how to prove myself? She knows I love her... she knows how hard I'm trying... but she doesn't know if we're right. This has been a fairly problem free relationship for a long time-- but not anymore. I'm giving her what she wants... I'm not acting all stalker or anything... I gave her space last time around... but did my best to stay in her life-- calling every few days, etc. It worked-- although not really. Any ideas? I'm really confused. Where should I go from here?

I just want to give my advice on this. You are in a tough spot, especially after investing so many years of your life into this one woman and now she is having second thoughts about the two of you. Tough man. In my opinion and experiences, when woman says she needs a "break" it means the following things..

1. She is losing her attraction for you.

2. You're not the man she once fell in "love" with.

3. She is probably seeing someone else.

4. There is a 95% chance the relationship will be over.

You, my friend, are doing all the wrong things by TRYING to CONVINCE her to stay with you. Come on dude, you cannot make or convince someone to be with you. It makes you look as if she is the only thing in your life and you have nothing else going for you. A woman often finds it attractive when a man has more to his life than just her, trust me on this. I honestly don't think that the distance has anything to do with it. My guess is during the period of time she most likely started seeing someone else while at the sametime the two of you were having difficulties in the relationship. Her making excuses not to come because of school work is all an act and the more she pushes you off, the more you try to win her back. Keep away from her for now, let her know you have other important activities in your life besides proving your love to her..lol. Ignore her for a while and when you guys do talk, dont forget to mention that you are having fun and there are lots of girls out there who you are hanging out with. Just make sure it is true!! Goodluck!

[Doug Taylor]

And THANK YOU for keeping it civil, folks!

I was quite paranoid it was going to devolve into something misogynistic but I was wrong and I apologize.

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

And THANK YOU for keeping it civil, folks!

I was quite paranoid it was going to devolve into something misogynistic but I was wrong and I apologize.

Pilots hate women? News to me!

[N8081G]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

And THANK YOU for keeping it civil, folks!

I was quite paranoid it was going to devolve into something misogynistic but I was wrong and I apologize.

Hey now, i don't hate women. I think they are the best thing after slice bread.

[SmoothLanderJ]

Originally Posted by N8081G

Hey now, i don't hate women. I think they are the best thing after slice bread.

Uh...sometimes...better yet i'd say most of the time. Certainly not ALL THE TIME. I'm sure they feel the same about us...

[ladder360]

Heh. Reading this thread reminded me of being in a somewhat similar situation a little over a year ago. It was the first time I'd been really wrapped in a girl in a long time - up until then, I'd been pretty apathetic about relationships or "feelings". At the time, many of my friends had said "dude, let it go. Bad relationship." But after saying this once or twice with me not heeding them, they just shut up and didn't say anything. Other friends didn't say anything at all as to not rock the boat. It took a few months for me to get over it, but once I did - I found my old self again.

I pretty much agree with all those who posted here. I'm adding my .02 to give everyone who responded props for supporting you. That support system (from people who generally don't know you and aren't afraid to really say what they mean, but care) is huge!

Keep your head high bro!!

[Velocipede]

To paraphrase Bonnie Raitt:

You can't make someone love you if they don't.

[crjsomeday]

Like most other people have posted, been there too. Some years ago the girlfriend wanted the dreaded "break" (my heart is now racing and my stomach is in my throat). I got mad, got drunk and I mean really drunk. I thought for sure she had been getting "friendly" with someone else. Long story short, I cut off all contact, moved on and poured myself into flying or learning every second I could. Also made a few "friends" along the way, good experiences! So five years go by and I run into her in an airport standing about a foot away. We started talking and she revealed that there had not been anyone else and she had f#$%$ up really bad. Started seeing each other again four years ago and are about to get engaged. Moral of the story: move on, if it is right, it will find you. Absurd amounts partying and meeting other women is highly recommended.

[Velocipede]

The formula is the same for women and children. Give them their freedom and if they come back, its all good.

[Firebird2XC]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Pilots hate women? News to me!

Yeah, no kidding. No matter how many times women leave me hanging (regardless of fault) I still adore them.

As Heinlein said,

"What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it."

[Qgar]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Pilots hate women? News to me!

Geez, sometimes I WISH they did!

[flyguy]

Originally Posted by N8081G

Hey now, i don't hate women. I think they are the best thing after slice bread.

Ahh yes, but they can't quite compete with sliced bread.

[Velocipede]

Originally Posted by Qgar

Geez, sometimes I WISH they did!

No you don't!

[Doug Taylor]

S'actly. Symbiosis!

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by Velocipede

The formula is the same for women and children. Give them their freedom and if they come back, its all good.

What? How did children get pulled into the mix? (And why on earth are they lumped with women?)

Set some children free, have you? Did you drop them at an exit far, far away?

The "set it free and if it comes back to you" thingy is pretty true for all humans.

[Qgar]

Originally Posted by Velocipede

No you don't!

OK, on second thought...
What was I thinking?!

[Baronpilot244]

Sorry to say this friend, but I have been in the same spot during my time in the service.
In a nutshell , someone else has caught her eye and she is seeing him while trying to figure out how to get rid of you nicely!

"Don't come home I have some schoolwork"??????? Come on friend, wake up and smell the coffee. The train has left the station and you ain't on it!

You need to get closure on this and I'd be asking some pretty straight questions - no need to get emotional just talk to her. If she wants to tell you she will and if she can't then its time to move on.

Sorry to be negative but I smell a rat on this one and trust me I did all the same stuff you did and eventually I got the truth which sucked, and dammit I spent all that money on expensive dinners and cabs and such!

Good luck - it will sort itself out in the end!

[beechpilot]

My exgirlfriend didn't even do it nicely. I knew something was wrong because she seemed withdrawn and next thing you know it's the old "I'm seeing someone else". I gotta tell ya, it was a pretty big slap in the face. Needless to say, I was done with her after that.

[WalterSobchak]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody?

Take a break means be with other people with out cheating. Trust me there is some one else or atleast the thought of some one else.

Also, where should I go from here? She wasn't as negative about us this time around... but it's not positive. She already has agreed to meet me from dinner in a couple weeks. I'm fairly confident I can convince her back. Any ideas on how to prove myself?

Don't trap her. She wants some cuddle time w/ some one else let her go. If she wants cuddle time with you again she knows where to find you.

She knows I love her... she knows how hard I'm trying... but she doesn't know if we're right. This has been a fairly problem free relationship for a long time-- but not anymore. I'm giving her what she wants... I'm not acting all stalker or anything... I gave her space last time around... but did my best to stay in her life-- calling every few days, etc. It worked-- although not really. Any ideas? I'm really confused. Where should I go from here?

Look for a new GF. Start dating again. This sounds very Dr Phil, but ultimately you have to be happy with yourself to get through this. You can't control other people, but you can control yourself. Do what it takes to make you successful and the rest will follow. Hope it turns out for the best for you.

[Cptnchia]

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

The "set it free and if it comes back to you" thingy is pretty true for all humans.

What? Set it free and if it comes back, to you, it's meant to be. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it?











BTW, It's a joke people.

[cfii2007]

Originally Posted by N8081G

Hey now, i don't hate women. I think they are the best thing after slice bread.

Actually, Netflix is the best thing since sliced bread.

[Toria]

There could be other contributing factors to her behavior, not just another romantic interest. When does she defend her thesis? Is she behind in her research? Does she have a committee member that is disagreeable or not supporting her research decisions? What are her plans after she finishes graduate school?

At the end of a long academic road (I have been there) there are a lot of questions about who you are actually becoming and where you will fit into life. You have finally become the person you have been molding yourself into for many, many years. Who you are when starting an advanced degree is not who you become over the course of obtaining it. An entirely different person walks out of commencement compared to the one who walked in the first day of the program.

My point, it does not have to be another person, it might just be where she is in her own life. If you want to stay with her, you need to have patience and give her space to become comfortable with who she has matured into. She cannot be anything to you if she is not satisfied and comfortable in her own life. Sometimes support needs to be in the form of silence.

If it is another person, I am sorry. You will hurt regardless and will need to find a way to move on.

[SmoothLanderJ]

Originally Posted by Toria

If it is another person, I am sorry. You will hurt regardless and will need to find a way to move on.

....Aint that the truth. Time makes thinks things better in the long run.

[darrenf]

Originally Posted by Toria

You will hurt regardless and will need to find a way to move on.

As old as this thread is, I'm betting he already has.

[Toria]

Originally Posted by darrenf

As old as this thread is, I'm betting he already has.

So what if it was started April 13th. So I am late, as usual. There are others who were nearly as late. What am I doing in the Family Life section anyway?????? Gotta go.