girlfriend issues

[SmoothLanderJ]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

I'm the last guy to give out relationship advice, but since you asked, here goes.

And your mileage may vary...

I wouldn't bother chasing her around. Be a less available, don't always pick up the phone when she calls and see what she does.

If she doesn't make any effort to get in contact with you, well that's what she was looking for.

Most importantly, what do YOU want? What are YOUR needs? Is the relationship fulfilling those? If not, cut bait before either of you thinks marriage, then a house, and then kids are going to fix it.

Usually, whenever I gave a lady the "I need a break" talk, to me, that meant that "Well, I need to go chase tail, but I want to hedge my bets by not completely breaking up. If it doesn't work out, I'll be back, but if it does, sayonara!"

Please do this!! Great advice. Me and my girlfriend were in this EXACT situation recently. So, I didnt answer the phone or call her, I really sort of cut her off, though it was hard as heck. She was the one the whole time that "needed a break" , not me. I questioned and questioned her about it being somebody else, but she said no. It could or it couldnt be, who knows but thats the reality of it. However, the MINUTE I appeard to be "over" her or seemed to be talking to someone else and forgetting about her, she came back in full force.
It might be hard but you can do this. When she calls, dont answer. When you are not busy, go do something like hang out with friends or work out. Resist the temptation to call, especially when you've been drinking (thats a hard one). If you guys are as serious as you say you are, when she realizes this, and that you might be moving on she might FLY back to you quicker than you know it. If not, hey over time you would have made yourself a stronger person. O, and its not against the law to talk to other women too, remember that. You didnt want this break, she did. If she's out there looking around, do the same yourself.



Jesse

[SmoothLanderJ]

Originally Posted by Velocipede

Sometimes an uninvolved party can read a situation better than those too close to it. Doug is right. When someone wants "a break" they're, at a minimum, evaluating the pool of available new partners.

The "break" allows them to see other people without guilt. Meanwhile, our homeboy is stuck pining for someone who, at a minimum, is looking for a better offer.

100% correct! Couldnt agree more.............

[Velocipede]

Absolutely. If she wants to look for a better offer, then you're free to check out the possibilities as well.

As my grandmother used to say, "Women are like the City bus. Another one comes along every half hour."

[skidz]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody? Also, where should I go from here?

I think she's seeing someone else, and there is probably not much you can do about it. I'm sorry about being negative but...that's how it usually goes.

[mpenguin1]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody? Also, where should I go from here? She wasn't as negative about us this time around... but it's not positive.

A break can mean anything, maybe she is considering a relationship with somebody else, or, maybe she wants time to see if she wants to continue the relationship with you.

So, I would do just that, sever communication with her this way she gets what she wants.

Also, remember, the one thing women hate more is a guy that begs, if you constantly try to get in touch with her, you are defeating the purpose of the "break"

I know it will be tough to not contact her, but, that is what I would do.

Let her go weeks without hearing from you, if the spark is there, she will come back, if the spark is gone, well, you know.

So, no phone calls checking up on her, no cutesy thinking of you cards, no flowers, no emails, nada, nothing..... If she makes contact with you, say something like this break is good for both of you & the relationship....

[Boris Badenov]

Velocipede is indelicate, but essentially correct. Be 100% supportive, helpful, thoughtful, etc till the first nail goes in the coffin ("I just want a break"). Then pretend she doesn't exist. Whether she's already with someone else or just thinking about it, the only way she's going to remember what she's got is through it being abruptly withdrawn. If that's not enough for her, tough titty, at least tell yourself it's her loss (try to believe it), move on.

[Fred the Barber]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

Any ideas? I'm really confused. Where should I go from here?

Be yourself. If she loves you for who you are, she will make as much effort as you have. Lay off the attention toward her and see where it goes when she is the one that has to make the calls and make the moves. I'm guessing she is window shopping, knowing she has you in her back pocket if other options don't work. Beware: A guy who is viewed as "smothering" from the womans standpoint is not good. Being a little more elusive will likely pay off. Women seem to like challenges for some strange reason.

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

I dunno. Perhaps it's age but when I'm hungry, all bets are off for anything else!

A very good reason ladies to have a bag of jerky and a Granola bar stashed in your purse.

[MikeOH58]

Originally Posted by Velocipede

As my grandmother used to say, "Women are like the City bus. Another one comes along every half hour."

Aint that the truth...For better or for worse, couldn't have said it better myself.

[Firebird2XC]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

Yes I have... and she says no. I know her well enough and I truly don't think she's dating anybody else. She may have a crush on somebody... but I'm fairly positive she hasn't acted on that. I really don't think it's an issue of others... I think it's an issue between us. In all honesty, and I told her this too... I'd have a lot easier time (in certain respects) with this if it was somebody else. At least then I would know where I stand.

I could be totally wrong, but I really don't think it's a somebody else type of deal. I've had enough relationships have issues (these same types of issues) from my side when there was nobody else in the picture. I'm not pessimistic enough to think the only reason a relationship will end, or have problems, is due to somebody else in the picture.

She's yanking you around dude. I had a g/f pull the same stuff with me a week after I left for ground school for an airline.

Don't waste your time wondering- if she was with you all the way, she'd be with you all the way, no matter what. If she's looking for the exit, just let her go.

[pilatus028]

I agree with the previous posts. My exgirlfriend of 3 years pulled the same stunt - I need space. What does that mean? I don't understand this space concept. A break is a break, no connection, I could see other people, I don't have to be with you kind of a deal. I got the "I need space" and I said fine, but that means I'm game. You sound like a real nice guy, that has to go out the door. You have to be Stifler from American Pie, I kid you not. The problem is, you have to be able to let her go if it all goes down hill. There is a world of great girls out there. Just food for thought, but I hope it works out.

btw, the ex of 3 did get back with me, we ended up dating a couple more months and at that point I ended it.

[Firebird2XC]

Yeah... I think it was Jeff Foxworthy who said something like,

"If she's talking about seeing other people, if she's not already riding somebody else.. she's at least drug the saddle out of the barn..."

[Tld]

Set her free man...I'm sure she cares and doesn't want to hurt you, but it seems she wants out. Find someone who doesn't make you question whether or not they care/want the same thing, trust me, you'll be a lot happier. Even if you care deeply for her, if she doesn't feel the same way and you find yourself constantly questioning the status of your relationship, you've got to let it go. A relationship where your constantly questioning what the other person wants is just frustrating. If it's meant to be, she'll come around. Don't spend so much time on the wrong person that you miss the right one when they come along...

[FlyingPoke]

Also almost identical to my situation over the last 3 years... long distance, things went well, but I actually made the decision to end it due to her moving for grad school and me not wanting to move to where she's going to school. 3-4 years of long distance is already too much and I figured if it was going to be even longer and even further away it was time to experience new things, if its meant to be it'll come back around (pretty cliche, I know).


That said, within a couple weeks I've met (or actually became more than friends with a friend) a girl and havent been this happy in a long time. Strange how things work out...its nowhere near as serious as the previous relationship, but its new and maybe thats exactly what you need... maybe its not, but I'm enjoying myself

[bustinminimums]

Dude cut your losses. I went through this a little over a year ago. Stop calling her because as it was said in an earlier post that only makes things worse. It does sound like there is someone else in the picture and speaking from experience it sucks. The sooner you end it and move on the better it will be because beating a dead horse only hurts you more. Good luck.

[wildfreightess]

Speaking as someone who's pulled the same move, and had the same move pulled on her, Velo's right. It's someone else, she wants out, and she doesn't want to hurt you. Take her up on the offer of a "break." If after the "break", you both decide to get back together and you're not living in the same town, be wary. Best bet is to work on your career and a life without her in it. You'll be glad you did.

[Kristie]

Originally Posted by Fred the Barber

Be yourself. If she loves you for who you are, she will make as much effort as you have. Lay off the attention toward her and see where it goes when she is the one that has to make the calls and make the moves. I'm guessing she is window shopping, knowing she has you in her back pocket if other options don't work. Beware: A guy who is viewed as "smothering" from the womans standpoint is not good. Being a little more elusive will likely pay off. Women seem to like challenges for some strange reason.

just because she wants a break doesn't necessarily mean she's out there smackin' someone else already (girls don't operate the same way guys do when they "want a break") but she probably is looking (ie: window shopping)....remember, with a lot of girls, it's all about the bird with the most colorful tail, cleanest feathers and/or sweetest song...it could also be that she may feel you're smothering her too much and yea, smothering and/or too much attention doesn't work (typically).

make yourself a challenge, make her chase your colorful tail and see where it gets you. if she doesn't sing back, let her go.

[gomntwins]

Originally Posted by Kristie

just because she wants a break doesn't necessarily mean she's out there smackin' someone else already (girls don't operate the same way guys do when they "want a break") but she probably is looking (ie: window shopping)....remember, with a lot of girls, it's all about the bird with the most colorful tail, cleanest feathers and/or sweetest song...it could also be that she may feel you're smothering her too much and yea, smothering and/or too much attention doesn't work (typically).

make yourself a challenge, make her chase your colorful tail and see where it gets you. if she doesn't sing back, let her go.

Thanks for all of the input/advice... some of it I agree with, some of it I don't. That's good though, kept me thinking. After talking with some mutual friends... Kristie's response sounds like the closest to being accurate. I'm not trying to smother her, I've been doing what she's been asking of me. I won't call/text and see what happens. We do have dinner set up in a couple weeks-- meet up and see what happens. She wanted that. I do hope it works out, but if not... life goes on. I'm not on a quest for a new woman at the moment... if this doesn't work, I think I'll take some time off.

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by rjmore

Sounds to me like she wants out but doesn't want to hurt you. Let her go and see what happens.

I don't think anyone can say (nor should they say) with any certainty that she's seeing someone else.

It does, though, sound like she's tried to break up a few times, and that you've tried and tried to get her back. It's hard to say "no" to someone who tries that hard and who won't take no for an answer.

I agree with rjmore - just let it be, let her go, and move on.

[Qgar]

Not to "pile on," but I have to agree with the majority of my fellow-JC'ers. You sound like a nice guy who has a good head on his shoulders and she's probably trying not to hurt you. Whether she's seeing someone new or not, it doesn't sound like she's as much into the relationship as you are. I know it hurts like hell (believe me, most of us have been there--some more times than others) and it always works out for the best. You need to find someone who makes you happy and who you make happy. It's very difficult to be in a meaningful relationship where you're always wondering "what if..."
I wish you nothing but the best. You sound like you deserve it.

[Polar742]

Originally Posted by WildCougar

Not to "pile on," but I have to agree with the majority of my fellow-JC'ers. You sound like a nice guy who has a good head on his shoulders and she's probably trying not to hurt you. Whether she's seeing someone new or not, it doesn't sound like she's as much into the relationship as you are. I know it hurts like hell (believe me, most of us have been there--some more times than others) and it always works out for the best. You need to find someone who makes you happy and who you make happy. It's very difficult to be in a meaningful relationship where you're always wondering "what if..."
I wish you nothing but the best. You sound like you deserve it.

[Qgar]

Why, thank you dear!

Now why don't you check your PM's from yesterday.

[WacoFan]

Originally Posted by gomntwins

I'm not on a quest for a new woman at the moment... if this doesn't work, I think I'll take some time off.

Read the posts here and didn't add anything because you were getting great advice. The only thing to comment on is the line I hilighted above. You don't have to "buy" or make a really long term commitment with everyone. Sample the wares a little - live and be happy. Don't close yourself off to any women - just take things for what they are and have fun.

Keep in mind what the New Orleans Journal of Medicine has recently reported: Binge Drinking and Promiscuous Sex are Good for You.

[JA Yawd Bwoy]

You know at times like this, It really does not hurt to......


COME ( ERR I MEAN GO) TO JAMAICA, AND FEEL ALRIGHT!!

and if you are lucky you might get your groove back!!!!

[mpenguin1]

Originally Posted by WildCougar

Why, thank you dear!

Now why don't you check your PM's from yesterday.

Uh, Oh! Cougar on the prowl, watch out, they like to play with their prey

Before pouncing

[cfii2007]

She probably found someone else.....and probably isn't worth all the headaches.