The job vs. the family

[gromm44]

After years of time doing everything but what I really wanted to do, I am supposed to go back to flight school early next year. Flying is and has always been my dream. I only have about 85 hours but am psyched to get back intoi t. After hearing my wife was supportive, I thought there was nothing left to think about. Unfortunately my concience keeps weighing in on me. Her being alone for four days at a time might not seem too bad now but Im sure it will take its toll. On top of that, I keep wondering how it will effect the kids(when they eventually come along).
I just wanted to get opinions from guys out there who already have plenty of experience with it. I know every significant other is different, but how did it affect your relationship? Ive heard some people say it makes the time you have together even better. (Id like to believe that, but you know) Also, how hard is it to raise your kids when you see them half the week or a certain amount of times a month? Do you feel it makes your job as a parent harder? Are they less inclined to listen to you or do they see you as a parent no matter what?. Again, I know each situation is different, but Im trying to get an idea what the general consensus is. What are the obstacles Im probably going to have to face? (family wise)
Thanks.

[MQAAord]

Please do NOT think of it as Job vs. Family. The job is a part of you, which is part of the family.

I like my time alone when Bill's on a trip. It's not that I don't want him around! Far from it, but there's a good side to having a few days to myself too. As for the kids, they sense that I don't make a big deal of him being gone, so it's not a big deal to them.

[gromm44]

Thanks, thats good to hear. I hadnt thought of that angle. It is good to be alone sometimes. Im glad Im with my wife, but sometimes I miss living alone, why shouldnt it be the same for her?

[gromm44]

I hear crickets.

[notawannabee]

Originally Posted by gromm44

I hear crickets.

sounds more like a squeaky bed and a couple of flight attendants ( in the next room of course ).

I'M JOKING JOKING

I have the same concern you do

[Doug Taylor]

If she's naturally independent, you'll be fine.

But if she (or you!) are the type that needs 24/7 attention and a little co-dependent, it's going to eat your marriage alive if you don't adjust the expectations of your relationship to match the airline lifestyle.

[N422NM]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

But if she (or you!) are the type that needs 24/7 attention and a little co-dependent, it's going to eat your marriage alive if you don't adjust the expectations of your relationship to match the airline lifestyle.

Sometimes you can adjust as much as possible and it still doesn't work...

Sad but true.

[gromm44]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

If she's naturally independent, you'll be fine.

But if she (or you!) are the type that needs 24/7 attention and a little co-dependent, it's going to eat your marriage alive if you don't adjust the expectations of your relationship to match the airline lifestyle.

"Sometimes you can adjust as much as possible and it still doesn't work...

Sad but true."

Thanks. Tough to think about.

[eastbayk]

Check out my blog. You'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about what's it's like to be the one left at home. Let your wife read it. Then discuss and you'll have an idea of what it's going to be like.

If you are both committed to making it work, then most of the time things will run smoothly. Good luck!

K

[Mr.Maximus]

Have to agree with what MQAARD said - especially as it relates to the kids. There's nothing better than walking in the door after being gone for a couple of days and the kids stumbling all over themselves to get to you and have a hug. As far as impact on the marriage, my wife and I are both very independent which tends to be beneficial in this line of work. I think we both enjoy the break and the "me" time.

Before you jump into this, I would caution both you and your significant other to be fully aware of the good, bad, and ugly that is involved with this profession. Understand that there will always be a smattering of each of them - and especially in the early years. Food stamp wages and low seniority are a recipe to putting a serious strain on one's life and those around them. If you both expect the worst during the beginning and can survive that - then things get better with time and experience. It is absolutely critical that you BOTH know what you're getting into. I've seen to many people that have gotten into it only to quit/leave and say "It's not what I had expected". With the amount of information available these days, I have no sympathy for those that say it wasn't what they expected. It's an expensive, time consuming process that requires a very high level of dedication for the long haul.

That being said, if you and yours decide to tough it out and go for it - I wish you all the luck. Once you get past the early years (3 - 5 after you start flying professionally), things can get pretty good. I couldn't imagine being an 8 - 5 person sitting in a cubicle looking out a window. I'd rather be sitting in a smaller cubicle looking out the window cruising at .83M at 40,000'.

With 85 hours, you have a long road ahead of you. Being fully aware of every potential pothole and sharp turn in that road will be of great benefit in both the short and long term. And I would suggest to not look at it as Job vs. Family. They are intertwined, and you cannot have success in either one without the support of the other.


Max

[ChristianG]

Thanks for the blogs eastbayk and the advice Max (and everyone else). I think you guys are right. I really havent included her too much in what things are probably going to be like. I need to get her to read some of this stuff and go over it with her. We are both fairly independent. Im trying to picture what it is going to be like at first and how long it will take to adjust, but I guess we'll find out when we get there. Thanks again

[gromm44]

oops, posted under wrong screen name.

[MQAAord]

Why do you have more than one screen name?

If it was an accidental registration, PM Doug and let him know, he'll be able to take care of that.

[kellwolf]

Well, I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't decide that going to another state for 7 months and leaving your wife and 3 month old son with her parents is a killer idea. We almost DIDN'T survive that one. Thankfully, everything worked out, and things are stellar now. I wouldn't repeat it, though.

As for the airline thing, I try to maximize my time at home with my schedule. When I AM home, I try to make sure *I* do things at the house like dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. She does them enough when I'm gone, so it's my turn to do my share of the work. If she needs a break from Gavin, she gets it. Besides, I haven't seen him for 3-4 days. I WANT to take him off her hands.

When I'm gone the key is communication. Text messages during the day spliced with at least one actual phone call a day. If she needs to vent about work, parents, the kiddo, whatever, I let her. Doesn't matter what happend during my day, we can get to that (and she doesn't really understand 90% of it, but she listens anyway). Once she's feeling better, then I can tell her about my day at work. Lack of communication is what can kill a relationship before you even knew it was dying.

[Lee D]

Originally Posted by kellwolf

Well, I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't decide that going to another state for 7 months and leaving your wife and 3 month old son with her parents is a killer idea. We almost DIDN'T survive that one. Thankfully, everything worked out, and things are stellar now. I wouldn't repeat it, though.

As for the airline thing, I try to maximize my time at home with my schedule. When I AM home, I try to make sure *I* do things at the house like dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. She does them enough when I'm gone, so it's my turn to do my share of the work. If she needs a break from Gavin, she gets it. Besides, I haven't seen him for 3-4 days. I WANT to take him off her hands.

When I'm gone the key is communication. Text messages during the day spliced with at least one actual phone call a day. If she needs to vent about work, parents, the kiddo, whatever, I let her. Doesn't matter what happend during my day, we can get to that (and she doesn't really understand 90% of it, but she listens anyway). Once she's feeling better, then I can tell her about my day at work. Lack of communication is what can kill a relationship before you even knew it was dying.

Great comments!! I completely agree with Kellwolf here. I don't come home from trips and leave to go golfing or whatever. I try to take a very active roll in everything around the house. Clean more than your share of the house, fuel up her car, change the poopie diapers whatever. I'm not saying you become a slave when you are home. Just take an active roll as a spouse and parent.

[gromm44]

Yeah thats sounds about right. You probably need to maximize your time with the family while you are at home. It sounds like it can be alright since you have three whole days at home. (A weekend plus a day to spend with the family) For some people thats more time than you would have to spend with the family if you had a 9 to 5. With a 9 to 5 you might be home at 6 after traffic. Have dinner, watch TV for a couple of hours and go to sleep . Not to mention a couple of days a week (maybe a day on the weeken you are out with friends or doing something else.
But then again, sounds like if you are either flying or spending time with the family, you have time for nothing else. I guess you have to find a balance somewhere.