Marriage+Money+Finances

[Maximillian_Jenius]

I know everyone will have a varying opinion.

But what is the best way to manage money in a relationship such as marriage?

Is it best that the couples money be seperate? I.E. your money is yours, and mine is mine. But pooling money to take care of bills?

Or is it better to have the mentality, that what's yours is mine, and mine is yours monetarily?

Lastly, depending on the choices one picks, should couples have one joint bank account? Or a joint bank account to write checks for bills. With seperate indivdual accounts for their own play money?

Money being the number one cause for divorce, I just began to wonder, what people on here do, and what might best work!

[Doug Taylor]

We're both cheapskates but Kristie is very detail-oriented so she handles the money and luckily, we're in much better financial position than we were 10 years ago by leaps and bounds.

But it largely depends on WHO you marry and what you relationship is.

Marriage and joint finances aren't for everyone.

[JEP]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

I know everyone will have a varying opinion.

But what is the best way to manage money in a relationship such as marriage?

Is it best that the couples money be seperate? I.E. your money is yours, and mine is mine. But pooling money to take care of bills?

Or is it better to have the mentality, that what's yours is mine, and mine is yours monetarily?

Lastly, depending on the choices one picks, should couples have one joint bank account? Or a joint bank account to write checks for bills. With seperate indivdual accounts for their own play money?

Money being the number one cause for divorce, I just began to wonder, what people on here do, and what might best work!

What, Did AZ pass some new laws....?

We have tried the 'one' account but one of us couldn't seem to remember to keep track of the receipts.

We have tried separate accounts and then wound up having trouble keeping track of who is paying what.

Went back to the one account to give it another whirl as one of us was tired of trying to keep track of everything.

Now back to joint accounts but while better, it is still a mess. One of us doesn't spend often but when spending, spends big. The other didn't have alot growing up and had not the best examples and now feels that there is money in the acct so whats the matter. The other saw what their parents did and vows not to repeat the exact mistakes they made........

That being said, the bills are getting paid and nobody is knocking on my door.

A constant struggle and many disagreements on both sides. Neither of us is great with the $$$ and together it is not much better.

[Maximillian_Jenius]

I'm not very detail orientated and just average with money. My bills get paids on time, but not really good with ways to grow money such as stocks, IRA's mutal funds etc.

So when I find that person, I will definitely like someone with Kristie's monetary skills. My only worry is that who ever I'm with will try to tell me what to do with my money, big no no.

I can be particularly cheap 90% of the time, but I do like spending at times as well, but never anything on an intervention level. Clothes, cars and electronics being big on my list.

Another worry I would wonder about, would be if you as couple have seperate accounts, and one partner makes signifigantly more than the other and always has more money than the other after the bills are paid. Would the one who makes less, possibly get jealous?

Most likely that would depend on the individual!

[SeatClutcher]

Joint checking for bills and stuff

Separate savings so we can buy an apple without having to let the other know we bought an apple, or so we can just play and have fun, without dipping into the joint "responsibility" money.

It's nice to have the independent stash - it doesn't mean it's a secret, it means we just have our own stashes. Makes it easier to buy presents for one another, too, because we don't see the register.

(edited to say "our" instead of "your" - meant to give an example of what works for us, not tell you what should work for you)

[MQAAord]

There is no way to make a blanket statement of "XYZ Method" is better. Each couple has to take a good, honest look at themselves, their income, their lifestyle, and their spending history/habits.

For us, everything is joint, and everything is an open book. He pays the bills, and does all everything related to money. Not because I can't, but because he likes to be the one 'in charge', so to speak. That doesn't bother me a bit, I know all the online passwords, I know how to check the account balances for everything, so there's no secrets even though the money is 'his thing'.

It wouldn't make sense for us to try to have 'separate' accounts or anything, since I don't have any income. When I was working, my paycheck went direct deposit into the checking account at my old bank, into what was "my" account before we were married. When we were first married and I was working my income bought groceries and was my 'allowance' to spend on whatever. I never spent any of 'his' income at that time. After I got furloughed and the kids came along, I just buy what I need and keep an eye on the account balance. I'm not a big spender, and I'm the cheap one of the two of us. When I went back to work briefly last summer, I had my direct deposit go back into my old account (not our primary account). This wasn't in an effort to keep 'my' money separate from 'his' money for the sake of "this is MINE" or anything, but what we wanted to see was exactly how much I was really making, after paying for daycare, gas, the cleaning service, lunches, and all the other expenses associated with me going back to work. I paid all the costs directly related to me working out of that account so we could see what was left over.

It works for us to just have everything joint. We're both listed on all our accounts as joint account holders. We've both also learned from our past mistakes. Years ago, we both fell into the spend & charge trap. At one point we had substantial credit card debt. With careful planning, tough decisions, and time, we are now completely debt-free, with the exception of one small car payment and the mortgage. That's it.

Again though, it really is an individual thing as to how to manage your finances in a marriage. Bill knows I'm not a big spender, so he knows I'm not gonna go out and spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on something without talking to him about it first. Really, anything over $100 I consider discussion-worthy, and I'll let him know what it is I think we need and make sure he thinks it's something we need too. We recently bought some (badly needed) bedroom furniture, and we both walked out of the store like, "OMG, we just spent X thousand dollars! Aaack!" (And no, we didn't charge it We paid cash. There's no better feeling in the world.)

[Soul Brotha']

My wife and I have two joint accounts. I will admit she handles the bills because she is more detail oriented than me. The second account is for entertainment and we can spend it on whatever we like. I also keep a checking/savings account of my own just in case. I deposit about $100 in there a month. If the old lady ever decides I need to leave I'll have something to fall back on. Not that she would

Max, go down to your local branch and speak with a financial advisor. It's free info and you'd be amazed at what financial opportunities are available to you.

[killbilly]

Different things work for different people.

My ex-wife and I had a joint account that we used for bills, groceries, etc - we had direct deposit, and since I worked from home, I usually had the time during the day to pay bills, etc. - with all the automation these days, it's pretty easy to keep track of stuff. Basically, if either of us wanted to spend more than $100 on a personal item, we checked with the other one to make sure it was cool. Mutual respect type thing.

I'd go with two individual and one joint if I was going to do it again. One joint for household stuff, and individual for "allowance."

My best friend isn't real good with money, but his wife is a bloody genius with it, so she gives him an allowance every month to play with (and it's significant - they both make a lot) and she handles the bills. Makes life easier for both of them, and he's happy knowing what he has to spend on guitars, software, beer and DVDs every month. Works out well for them.

[Minnesota_Flyer]

I really does depend entirely on you and your partner/spouse. We have joint everything (other than retirement, of course) because separate accounts really don't make any sense whatsoever in our situation. We are both pretty cheap, and we would consult on larger purchases whether or not we had joint/separate accounts.

[TheWife]

Sort of like Amber for us, but I do the bills, since I am the one home during the day and can make the calls to the companies to say "you overcharged us for this" or "take this fee off!" or whatever it is that I seem to need to do almost daily to correct other people's mistakes. We tried having my husband do it for a while just to give me a break, but it was too hard because he wasn't home during the day to make those calls, doesn't know the history of ongoing situations, etc.

For us we have a joint checking account that all money goes into and bills come out of. I transfer $100 a month into a "misc. account" that works like an escrow account, for those random bills that you can't account for in your monthly budget, like car registration, bdays, etc. Then we have a family savings account, savings for each kid, and personal checking accounts. We don't have enough money leftover on a CFI budget to transfer anything into those other accounts, but when we did, it was like $25 a month for each person's personal checking, and that was used for gifts to each other and discretionary money.

Like Amber, we all have access to each account. I don't believe there is wisdom in having accounts your spouse doesn't know about, but that's my own personal opinion. I also don't think you should have "my income" "your income", etc. I have seen people that keep their money seperate, and they each pay half the bills, they have to pay for gifts to their side of the family, their own clothes and personal needs, and they each spend whatever they feel like w/o responsibility to the other person, and it seems like when people do that, there is generally no attitude of "saving for OUR future" "OUR investments" "OUR income" etc. When you don't have to account to someone else, it's pretty easy to blow all your money. And then when stuff comes up like the family needs a car or a vacation or something, there are fights over who should pay what.

When I was working we still did it the same way, there was no "I make more than you", it was just a joint effort resulting in a combined income. No questions of what to do when one person gets a bonus, or one person gets really sick and misses a few days of work, or anything, just all "OUR" money other than what each person received as an allowance.

I think no matter what you do, or what works best for you, the important thing is to have some mutual goals and things to work toward together, don't just passively let your life slip by, while your income slips out of your hand. Make some plans about how much each month gets put toward savings, vacations, emergency funds, investments, retirements, etc. And keep the communication completely open. It doesn't ever seem beneficial for one partner to get on their high horse about making more, saving better, or feeling like "it's MY money" and trying to hide purchases and stuff like that. When two lives are JOINED together, what happens to one person, happens to both, one partner shouldn't suffer financial stress while the other is keeping the money to themselves, one person shouldn't be blamed for not contributing because they stay at home, one person shouldn't feel like they earn all the money but they don't get to touch it. When you are joined together, whether officially and legally or not, you are joining your responsibilities, your highs and lows, your financial freedoms and your financial stresses, and your financial goals.

And one more important thing is that each partner knows where the accounts are, what the account numbers are, what the due dates are, where the life insurance is through, where the house insurance is through etc. If something should happen to one of you, maybe not even death, but say one of you gets terribly ill and can't communicate the information to you, it's important for the other person to be able to know when they need to pay what until things are back to normal. This is a very good reason while both people should be listed on all accounts, including credit cards. Nothing bugs me more than calling in to make a payment on something and I can't get any info if I'm not on the account, so we now have access to each others credit cards and everything.

While we're on the subject (sort of), some other things that you should do as partners, is make sure your wishes are written down and the other person knows what they are, as far as if you were to die, where and how would you want to be burried, do you have anything specific you want to leave for certain people, etc. Anyone with kids needs to have a custodian named for them, giving account access to life insurance or investments, should both parents die before the kids are 18. Everyone should have a will, both living and a death will. And everyone should have a list of phone numbers for the other person's family and friends, should something happen and they need to call the person's parents, siblings, etc. It's not fun to think about this kind of stuff, but if you don't, and it's needed, the state gladly "takes" care of it for you, and it can take years and a LOT of money to sort out estates through the state. And the last thing anyone wants is their kids going to foster care while the grandparents fight over who gets them.

[SeatClutcher]

I don't believe there is wisdom in having accounts your spouse doesn't know about, but that's my own personal opinion.

Well, that would be keeping a secret. There's just something to be said (for us, I mean) for having the understanding that we each have some of our own money, that we don't need to know exactly how much the other has, and that neither of us has to check with the other to measure finances/say "is it okay if I get [insert item]...?" The independence is nice.

It doesn't mean there isn't a view of a combined future. Money that goes into joint accounts is for the "joined" couple's future. The money each half of the couple would have for themselves doesn't mean they're any less committed - it just means they want a measure of financial independence. (In my previous marriage, the sharing of the accounts proved more harmful to our relationship than were we to have had separate money...Having to say "Is it okay if I get this?" - because he was in charge of the finances AND made more money - really started to get on my nerves.)

[Doug Taylor]

A little money for yourself is actually pretty healthy because then Kristie can use it to buy things like gifts or feel a little independence.

We're pretty raw and open so there really aren't many secrets.

Just ask Max. He's seen "Doug And Kristie: The Reality Show" on several occasions.

[TheWife]

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

Well, that would be keeping a secret. There's just something to be said (for us, I mean) for having the understanding that we each have some of our own money, that we don't need to know exactly how much the other has, and that neither of us has to check with the other to measure finances/say "is it okay if I get [insert item]...?" The independence is nice.

It doesn't mean there isn't a view of a combined future. Money that goes into joint accounts is for the "joined" couple's future. The money each half of the couple would have for themselves doesn't mean they're any less committed - it just means they want a measure of financial independence. (In my previous marriage, the sharing of the accounts proved more harmful to our relationship than were we to have had separate money...Having to say "Is it okay if I get this?" - because he was in charge of the finances AND made more money - really started to get on my nerves.)

What you are talking about though is totally different from what I said. I don't see wisdom in having accounts your spouse doesn't know about. As in, you are depositing money into an account she/he doesn't know exsists, and you use that money to hide a gambling habit, drinking problem, an affair, massive debts, etc. I don't know why, but I've known more than one women, who lets her husband entirely take care of all things financially, and they have no clue what bank they use, how much money they have, if they have any savings, if bills are being paid on time...I have a friend who went to use a credit card one day to get groceries, as usual. Her husband would have her buy what she wanted on the credit card, and told her he would just pay off what she charged at the end of the month. She went to use it for groceries one day, and it was declined. She decided to start getting involed, after 8 years, and found out that he had sold the stocks she had been given by her father when they married, he had put them in over $60,000 of debt, they had major collections against them, and he had been blowing most of their income before it was even deposited, and she had no clue because her name and phone number weren't on anything, she never opened the mail, etc. I know this is a pretty extreme example, you'd think it was rare, yet I know several women like this! I also know one who's husband embezzled over $400K from her own father and she had no clue, and believed him that he was making enough money for the boats and trailers and things he came home with. So while I understand having money for yourself, (which I said we did, with our personal checking accounts, when we had leftover money, which we now don't), but that's totally different from having accounts your spouse doesn't know about, whether they are accounts of debt, or accounts of deposits and spending.

[SeatClutcher]

Oh. Yeah. Well, any secrecy is probably not good for a relationship. I can't believe you've known so many people who do that!

[MQAAord]

That's scary, Michelle!

I've heard of it going the other way too, where a lady ran her household budget, and did all the book-keeping associated with the house. Her husband does quite well in stocks in New York, and she hid from him her purchase of a Bugaboo stroller. (A Bugaboo is a high-end stroller that costs about $1000.) She just told him she bought a new stroller, leaving out the details. He said "Oh, that's nice".

Another lady I know of through a friend of a friend, she was a little older and her husband died. She really had no clue with anything about their finances. So a family member started going through his papers & records in his office with her, and they found records of investments & insurance policies totalling almost $1m. She had no idea they were so well-off, as they (like many depression-era people) lived quite frugally and never really spent a great deal of money. He left her a millionaire, much to her surprise.

[Doug Taylor]

Is she relatively nice looking? Perhaps she'd make a great sugar momma for one of JC's CFI's?

[SeatClutcher]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

Is she relatively nice looking? Perhaps she'd make a great sugar momma for one of JC's CFI's?

Since when does a sugar-anything have to be good looking? Go into it for the money! The rest will work itself out.

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

A little money for yourself is actually pretty healthy because then Kristie can use it to buy things like gifts or feel a little independence.

We're pretty raw and open so there really aren't many secrets.

Just ask Max. He's seen "Doug And Kristie: The Reality Show" on several occasions.

Yea, seen a few episodes before, lol! But you two have a good relationship and marriage.

This thread was actually created after reading your comment in another thread that stated she wanted to buy a 550 vs a 535, then stating that it was her money so she can do as she pleases, and that it would be her car vs. both of yours.

As for me, I single. But not sure (yet) what will work best for me. On one hand I like the feeling of having everything joint and sharing alike.

On the other hand, I'd hate having to ask, hey can I buy this or that with my own money.

So who knows what will workout best for me in the future. Joint everything or the roommate type of living situation. We'll have to see!

[Ian J]

Like most things in life, there is no black and white. Far, far lefties and far, far righties are all whackos in my opinion. Same holds true here.

"Roommate style" is one extreme. "Joint everything" is another. I'm betting, like most things, somewhere in the middle is probably an okay solution.

[kellwolf]

For Nessa and I, pooled money and joint decisions on major purchases seems to work for us. When you've got piles of medical bills, one person going out and buying a guitar because they have more in savings kinda defeats the whole "team player" atmosphere.

[Bandit_Driver]

Tanya and I have one account, it works best for us that way.

[Minnesota_Flyer]

Originally Posted by Ian J

"Roommate style" is one extreme. "Joint everything" is another. I'm betting, like most things, somewhere in the middle is probably an okay solution.

I disagree with your conclusion that those are extremist positions. Joint (almost) everything works very well for us. Roomate style seems silly to me, but would be the perfect solution for others couple. In the middle may be a perfectly acceptable solution for you, but may be a terrible place for others. It's all about who you and your so are (and communicating to identify that).

[Ian J]

Originally Posted by Minnesota_Flyer

I disagree with your conclusion that those are extremist positions. Joint (almost) everything works very well for us. Roomate style seems silly to me, but would be the perfect solution for others couple. In the middle may be a perfectly acceptable solution for you, but may be a terrible place for others. It's all about who you and your so are (and communicating to identify that).

Fair enough.

[surreal1221]

We have a joint checking and savings presently.

When times have changed (hopefully in 10 years), after we have had two children, they have grown up and are back in school, both of us are working again - then we each will develop our own checking accounts, as well as maintaining the joint checking and savings for family items.