need some advice

nbv4 · December 21st, 2006, 15:47

I live in Ohio right now, and just accepted a job in California. My dad purchased a car for me and my sisters to drive to school and stuff when my older sister turned 16 (1998 or so). My dad is going to sell the car to me so I can drive it to California, instead of flying out there and having all my stuff Fedex'd which would cost an arm and a leg. The only catch, is my dad will not let me drive down there alone. He insists that he come along with me, and then airline back to Ohio.

This would be all fine and dandy, id it weren't for the fact that my dad is an extremely hard person to get along with. He has absolutely no control over his emotions. If a challenge arises, he'll start screaming, throwing things, cussing, and generally throwing a fit. Me on the other hand, I enjoy challenges. I want to tell him that I don't want him coming along, but I know he'll go off on the deep end if I tell him this.

Last week me and him flew out to this place in California and I estimate I spent a total of 5 minutes thinking about my job, and the rest of the time dealing with him.

Here one example: As we were getting ready to leave the hotel to go to my interview, he told me I had to change my clothes. I was wearing a nice pair of leather shoes, a nice black, well-fitting polo, and a nice pair of jeans. He told me I looked like a slob and needed to put on a pair of khakis. If you're 50 years old, and you buy your jeans from K-Mart and tennis shoes, then you'll look like a slob no matter what, but I looked nice. I tried to tell him in a reasonable way that I did not want to change, because I looked fine. He went berserk, and I had no chance but to change, because if I didn't, I'd never hear the end of it, and I had to share a hotel with him... Anyways, on the way to the interview (which wasn't even a real interview, since he basically told me I had the job over the phone), he kept saying things to me like "If you want me out of your life, then just say so, blah blah" ON THE WAY TO MY INTERVIEW. When I finally met the guy I couldn't think of any good questions, because I hadn't had any time in the last few hours to really think about the job.

I just flat out hate being around him He has issues that he needs to fix, but he never will. For the past few weeks I've been totally stressed out about this because I know he'll say to me that if I don't let him come along, then he won't sell me the car. And I just don't have the money to get a loan and buy one myself (he is going to lend me the money to buy it, but I'll have to pay him back once I start getting a paycheck)

Am I ungrateful in not wanting him to come along? He says that I can't do it by myself and he needs to be there in case something happens. I'm 23.5 years old with a college degree, I think I can do it myself.

SeatClutcher · December 21st, 2006, 16:17

I don't think you're ungrateful. Sounds like you're responding to a favor that has strings attached, and you don't like the strings.

If you can find a way to not have him go with you, it's probably worth a try. People get over being mad, and you can always apologize (or whatever) later.

On the other hand, if he has to go along with you, does he like to eat, or anything? Smoke? Maybe if you can keep his mouth full...

nbv4 · December 21st, 2006, 16:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

On the other hand, if he has to go along with you, does he like to eat, or anything? Smoke? Maybe if you can keep his mouth full...

If he goes with me, he'll do 100% of the driving, with the radio off the whole time. We'll stop once per day for food, and then again for a hotel. Even if he were to let me drive, he'll sit in the right seat and yell at me the whole time for doing any little thing wrong. This is so frustrating. I should be spending this time getting prepared for my new job, not worrying about this crap.

TheWife · December 21st, 2006, 16:29

I'm sorry that you have tension w/ your father, not exactly the role a father should be playing. However, it doesn't sound fun, but it doesn't sound 100% UNtolerable (at least based on the bits you've shared.) He is your father, and in the end, it may be one of the last few times you have to spend w/ him, especially if you are moving so far away. You never know what will happen tomorrow, and maybe you'd rather live with having a really unpleasant trip, instead of the regret of not spending the time with him? Really hard to judge the whole thing based on just a little info, but that's the advice I have, having had strained relationships in the past w/ both my parents, I think sometimes it's worth my effort to just love them and be with them.

SeatClutcher · December 21st, 2006, 16:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by nbv4

If he goes with me, he'll do 100% of the driving, with the radio off the whole time. We'll stop once per day for food, and then again for a hotel. Even if he were to let me drive, he'll sit in the right seat and yell at me the whole time for doing any little thing wrong. This is so frustrating. I should be spending this time getting prepared for my new job, not worrying about this crap.

You are absotootely right.

Not sure what kind of advice you want. You have many options:

1. Go alone and suffer the wrath of Dad
2. Go with him and suffer the diatribes of Dad with the bonus of having that wrath right there next to you the whole time
3. Say "Screw the car!" and fly guilt-free (not that I think you should feel guilty about not wanting him to go...it doesn't sound like he wants to go so he can spend quality time with you. Or does he?)
4. Um...no #4.

Oh! There is advice, though: don't feel guilty. What you're doing is important for your future, and yes - you need to be focused and in a good state of mind. Do what you need to do. This is your life you're talking about.

NotCoolEnufToFly · December 21st, 2006, 16:40

Thankfully, I don't have to deal with this with my parents. I only have my mother and we have a very good relationship. She gives and I give and there are never strings attached. However, the rest of my family... HA! They are extremely difficult. I could tell you what works for me, but unfortunately it's different for everyone. I have made it known to all of my friends and family that I really appreciate it when they are there for me and try to help me out but if they choose to do that, then I owe NOTHING! Don't tell me you want to help and sell me the car and do this and that but ONLY IF... But then on the other hand that is your father and sometimes loving people isn't easy or fun but a choice and you have to give as well as take. I know it's a source of great stress and anxiety for you but your father probably only wants to go because he loves you and wants to make sure you're okay. Remember that before making a decision.

nbv4 · December 21st, 2006, 17:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeatClutcher

You are absotootely right.

Not sure what kind of advice you want. You have many options:

1. Go alone and suffer the wrath of Dad

I forgot to mention one thing: my sisters and mother. They still live at home, and will have to live with him while he is going insane. I told my mom today that I don't want him coming along, and now she isn't talking to me because she knows this means she'll have to sit through one of his hissy fits (which will last for a few days at the very least).

This is the thing that tears me up. My whole life I have obeyed him, not out of love or respect, but because I feared having to endure one of his fits. My mom and sisters are the same way. I'm sure deep down inside my mom agrees its best that I go alone, but she doesn't want to go against my father because she knows how he'll react. Who do I look out for? My mom and sisters, or myself?

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotCoolEnufToFly

I know it's a source of great stress and anxiety for you but your father probably only wants to go because he loves you and wants to make sure you're okay. Remember that before making a decision.

I think the only reason he is insisting to go is to prove to me that he is the one in charge. He has issues with control. If you disagree with him, he'll throw the biggest fit until you cave in.

A few summers ago I got the opportunity to live in an apartment with free rent, but he said I couldn't do it. He had no good reasons why I shouldn't live there, he just said "because I said so", and therefore i should just obey him. I tried to argue that this was a good move, but no matter what I said his response was always "I'm your father and you're not going because I say so"

SeatClutcher · December 21st, 2006, 17:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by nbv4

I forgot to mention one thing: my sisters and mother. They still live at home, and will have to live with him while he is going insane. I told my mom today that I don't want him coming along, and now she isn't talking to me because she knows this means she'll have to sit through one of his hissy fits (which will last for a few days at the very least).

She is his wife. It's unfair of her to be angry with you - her son - because you're not taking your father - her husband - off her hands. What pressure. Ugh. Sorry, man. It's not your responsibility to ease tension between her and your dad.

Quote:

Who do I look out for? My mom and sisters, or myself?

Yourself.

NotCoolEnufToFly · December 21st, 2006, 17:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by nbv4

I forgot to mention one thing: my sisters and mother. They still live at home, and will have to live with him while he is going insane. I told my mom today that I don't want him coming along, and now she isn't talking to me because she knows this means she'll have to sit through one of his hissy fits (which will last for a few days at the very least).

This is the thing that tears me up. My whole life I have obeyed him, not out of love or respect, but because I feared having to endure one of his fits. My mom and sisters are the same way. I'm sure deep down inside my mom agrees its best that I go alone, but she doesn't want to go against my father because she knows how he'll react. Who do I look out for? My mom and sisters, or myself?

I think the only reason he is insisting to go is to prove to me that he is the one in charge. He has issues with control. If you disagree with him, he'll throw the biggest fit until you cave in.

A few summers ago I got the opportunity to live in an apartment with free rent, but he said I couldn't do it. He had no good reasons why I shouldn't live there, he just said "because I said so", and therefore i should just obey him. I tried to argue that this was a good move, but no matter what I said his response was always "I'm your father and you're not going because I say so"

Well on that note, maybe it's just time to draw the line and stand up to him. With me it wasn't standing up to my parents that was a big deal, I never had to, but it was my older brother who I finally had to let loose on, now I'M the boss! lol

avi8tor · December 21st, 2006, 17:36

Cut the strings and move out to cali. if that is what you really want to do. I left my folks house 13 years ago and never looked back. In fact I left so fast after H.S. graduation the ink on my diploma was still wet. Your father may be upset for a while, or a long while but he will eventually get over it. Good luck.

TheShortOne · December 21st, 2006, 17:58

Tell him something along the lines of the drive will be a good growing experience for you and it's something that you feel the need to do alone, to prove to yourself that you can live independently from him.

I've driven from Michigan to Utah by myself twice now (and back once) and you really learn a lot when you've got nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied.

SeatClutcher · December 21st, 2006, 18:38

I love driving alone! Drove from ND to TN, TN to ND, NY to NC - all good.

MSUDAWG · December 21st, 2006, 18:47

I dont know what to tell you I havent been in your shoes bc my father and I get along great...But its like some of the past responses have said, no matter what you do, he will always be your father and that is something you should charish whether you like it or not. Maybe you should let him come with you on your way to cali and tell him whats been going on and how you feel and get it off your chest. Maybe the time you spend in the car will be just what is needed to fix whats rough around the edges. Make the best of it and actually try to talk to him on another level and hopefully things might work and you might be able to get some headway. My girlfriend has the same problem with her dad and it seems like the more time they spend together, the more frustrated she gets with him, but it has really started to turn around for the better. But try and let him come with you because riding in the car and talking with you and getting your side, he might come around and will have a while to think about things on his ride out to cali and especially on the plane on the way home alone........Hope that helps and I wish you luck....

thats my 2 cents

TheWife · December 21st, 2006, 19:01

One more thought, while it's probably a lot of fun to be totally alone out on the road, it IS winter and there ARE places with no cell reception, it might be a good idea safety wise, to at least have SOMEONE with you.

And I agree, that the more time I've spent w/ family that I had tension w/, the better we get along. Having to be around people seems to just make you learn to deal with each other and then you can start to embrace each other's flaws.

SeatClutcher · December 21st, 2006, 19:10

Some flaws are best kept at a distance. (No offense, Michelle.)

TheWife · December 21st, 2006, 19:21

That is true, it really depends on the flaws. There are people that are very toxic, and it's just not healthy to be around them. Then there are people you love, that just have some annoying traits, and that's more what I was talking about.

SeatClutcher · December 21st, 2006, 19:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWife

That is true, it really depends on the flaws. There are people that are very toxic, and it's just not healthy to be around them. Then there are people you love, that just have some annoying traits, and that's more what I was talking about.

Yeah...and in that case, with someone non-toxic, I agree with you.

MusketeerMan · December 21st, 2006, 21:04

Jeans to an interview??

nbv4 · December 21st, 2006, 21:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusketeerMan

Jeans to an interview??

it wasn't really an interview. I had already got the job, I was just coming over there to visit the place. It was on a Sunday, and no one else was there.

seagull · December 22nd, 2006, 03:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by nbv4

it wasn't really an interview. I had already got the job, I was just coming over there to visit the place. It was on a Sunday, and no one else was there.

Don't have much comment on the rest, but disagree with you on this. You had a phone interview, nobody had ever seen you. In person 1st impressions are a very big deal. Your dad was right. Sorry, but this is real life now, not school.

killbilly · December 22nd, 2006, 10:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by seagull

Don't have much comment on the rest, but disagree with you on this. You had a phone interview, nobody had ever seen you. In person 1st impressions are a very big deal. Your dad was right. Sorry, but this is real life now, not school.

I gotta go with Seagull on this one. Dressing your absolutely possible best, even for menial-janitorial-cleaning-gig or flipping-burgers gig is a mark of respect to your prospective employer.

As for the Dad issues, I have similar ones, though not nearly as severe as yours. For me, I had to force him to respect me. We got along a lot better after I established boundaries and respected his in kind. Some people need the relationship equivalent of a boot to the skull, you know?

Also - most boorish, irritating, obnoxious people are generally clueless that they behave this way. Just a thought....

NotCoolEnufToFly · December 22nd, 2006, 10:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by seagull

Don't have much comment on the rest, but disagree with you on this. You had a phone interview, nobody had ever seen you. In person 1st impressions are a very big deal. Your dad was right. Sorry, but this is real life now, not school.

A little harsh but to the direct and to the point, and I'm with you. I even dress up super nice for interviews for a position under my current supervisor who sees me everyday and knows how I dress.

TheWife · December 22nd, 2006, 10:45

He said no one was else was there though? As long as he knew up front that no one would be there, I don't see jeans as a problem. Slacks would be better just in case someone showed up unannounced, but if you are planning on no one being there...

NotCoolEnufToFly · December 22nd, 2006, 10:46

Yeah but he had never yet met this person...

nbv4 · December 22nd, 2006, 13:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWife

He said no one was else was there though? As long as he knew up front that no one would be there, I don't see jeans as a problem. Slacks would be better just in case someone showed up unannounced, but if you are planning on no one being there...

They were nice jeans. It wasn't like they were dirty Walmart jeans worn with a raggy t-shirt. I was wearing a nice well-fitting polo, with a pair of nice leather shoes. Wearing the khakis made me look maybe 1% better, if any.