need some advice

[NotCoolEnufToFly]

Originally Posted by nbv4

They were nice jeans. It wasn't like they were dirty Walmart jeans worn with a raggy t-shirt. I was wearing a nice well-fitting polo, with a pair of nice leather shoes. Wearing the khakis made me look maybe 1% better, if any.

No one's saying that you can't dress up a pair of jeans and make them look nice. I'm sure you looked very nice just like most everyone around the office that I work in looks nice on Fridays (casual day) but even so jeans are a casual clothing item. I know that you already had the job and it was kind of an informal 'interview' but I have many many friends that used to or currently do work in HR offices and do some hiring and firing and they all agree that when someone walks into the office, they can be impressed with them right off depending on how professionally they present themselves and the opposite is also true. I know that the clothes you wear don't make you a better or worse employee but upon that first meeting, where they really don't have much to go on because they do not yet know you and how you are going to perform, I think it's best to put your best foot forward and present yourself like you are professional.

[nbv4]

Originally Posted by NotCoolEnufToFly

No one's saying that you can't dress up a pair of jeans and make them look nice. I'm sure you looked very nice just like most everyone around the office that I work in looks nice on Fridays (casual day) but even so jeans are a casual clothing item. I know that you already had the job and it was kind of an informal 'interview' but I have many many friends that used to or currently do work in HR offices and do some hiring and firing and they all agree that when someone walks into the office, they can be impressed with them right off depending on how professionally they present themselves and the opposite is also true. I know that the clothes you wear don't make you a better or worse employee but upon that first meeting, where they really don't have much to go on because they do not yet know you and how you are going to perform, I think it's best to put your best foot forward and present yourself like you are professional.

This was at a flight school, not an office job. If I was going to an airline, or a bank, I'd have dressed more formal. I think you're confusing "nice" with "formal". Just because you're formal, doesn't mean you look nice, and vice versa. I looked about as nice as possible without dressing formal. This was, IMO, a non-formal meeting, and I should have dressed non-formally (but still nicely.)

[USMCmech]

I agree with those that say you can "overdress" for an interview.

Dress one notch better than the employees do on a regular basis.

Employees wear jeans and a company uniform shirt, then wear kakis, and a nice polo. A suit and tie would be way overkill.



I have seen one company where the owner specifically told job seekers not to wear a suit, if they still did, then they couldn't follow directions. Whenever I open my airplane shop I intend to do the same. If durring the interview I see a puddle of oil and start to clean it up, you had better be helping, not worrying about your clothes.

[USMCmech]

Oh yeah,


The driving with dad thing, If you think you can tollerate him for a couple of days, then give it a try.


Perhaps you could use the time to try to get through to him about his emotional issues before he only sees you once a year.

OTOH, Perhaps this is the time to cut yourself off.

No simple answer.

[Kristie]

Nobody's brought this up yet.. but do you think your dad really has a "problem"?? cuz it sounds to me as if that may very well be the case. if your mom, sister and you can't stand him or his attitude...has anybody told him yet or clued him in that he might have a problem? some people don't understand that their behavior is over the line and physically NEED to be told.

this drive might be good for you to talk to him and see if there's any type of underlying issues and to see if he'll talk to you about them... if his behavior swings are over the edge..if he goes off in a tantrum, or throws things, why is that? cuz irrationalities like that could be a part of a bigger problem... people with bipolar disorder usually throw tantrums at a split second or tend to throw things or hurt people....bipolar is ALL about control....the "if you want me out of your life" issue IS a symptom of depression, no bones about it...the tantrums could be depression too or something else...has he ever made you feel like he's obsessive or compulsive? does he feel like all you kids are growing up too fast and he's losing it/you because of that? is he not ready to let you go yet?

also, if you want him to respect you, you're gonna have to stand up to him and up for yourself and tell him to knock it off and that his behavior isn't acceptable...see what kind of body langauge/behavior he does when you do that...that should clue you in really quickly!

it sounds to me like he has some inner issues to deal with... esp when you say

He has absolutely no control over his emotions.

and honestly, it's the family that needs to bring it out in the open and get him to see that maybe he does need some help.. maybe he needs to talk to someone or maybe he just needs something to help him face the day and be able to take charge without *it* taking charge of HIM...

but if it's a mentality problem, even minor depression, your gonna want to deal with it sooner than later because later can get him and your whole family into a whole 'nother bees nest!! been there, done that.

I'd suggest before you decide to let him ride with you, bring these issues to the forefront and talk about it BEFORE you even get into the car.. not only that but you could stipulate that if you don't talk, he doesn't ride and if he blows a gasket, help him get help for that because something's NOT right there. he should want to talk to you, your his son.

but sometimes, they have to hit bottom before they see the light and sometimes, if they don't see/want/need "your" help, then you have to help them hit bottom (nicely) so they can see the light and recover

my dad used to say things to me like "if you want me out of your life..." and that's when i figured out he was having a depression problem but i could never get him to go see a doc about it and before long, he hit bottom but it was too late to get him help cuz the serious damage was already done and he'll be finishing "his time" in March. if your dad has a problem, you and your family need to help him see that and help him get some help for it BEFORE it gets out of hand...head colds (as i call them) don't become embarassing or emotionally trying until someone gets hurt, goes to jail/prison or commits suicide from it.

sometimes i think if i would have just told my dad that i was afraid of him because of the way he was acting, he might have gone and gotten the help he needed and we wouldn't be where we are today. i think telling a parent information like that really gets them thinking

heck, i even have a cousin that works in the psychiatric ward of a hospital and she doesn't even know she's bipolar.. she just won't believe it and won't take the meds for it....she controls everything include one of my aunts (believe it or not).. it's her way or the highway...her dad is the same way and it got down to where he would hit her mom if she didn't "stay" in his "control"....so stuff like that can happen.

talk to him, get everything out in the open and see how it goes from there... don't even allow him to get into the car until that happens because a car can be used as a weapon and if your afraid your dad might hurt you during one of his episodes, then you don't want him in there and i would certainly tell him that.

[TonyC]

If you're coming to an internet forum for advice on what to do, you're not ready to tell him you're driving to California alone. Prepare yourself to endure his company.

When/where is he selling you the car? In other words, when/where does it technically become your property? When it's yours, you can make the decisions about it, right?

Right?




By the way, he was correct about the interview attire.






.

[TheWife]

If you're coming to an internet forum for advice on what to do, you're not ready to tell him you're driving to California alone.

I TOTALLY disagree. I think there is wisdom in asking other people for perspective on things AS you prepare for how to handle it. Sometimes we are so close to situations that we aren't sure if our perspective is overlooking a significant or helpful detail. Sometimes just venting about it helps a person prepare to deal with it, and sometimes people have some great advice and can give you insight you wouldn't have thought of, and sometimes your original plan was just fine all along but getting some support can help build your confidence to deal with it. I think he was just fine to ask, and now he can see different perspectives from the outside, prepare for how he wants to handle it, and take action. Just because he had to ask in the first place does NOT mean he isn't ready to drive alone if that's what he decides to do.

[Kristie]

exactly... actually, i think it takes a lot of balls and guts for anyone to come forward on any internet site and talk about your personal life and problems and if there's any help out there to help you thru particular situations, then by all means... don't even be afraid to ask...

it takes a strong man or woman to get up and ask a question like this....

[EatSleepFly]

I haven't read the whole thread but...

I moved out of my parents house literally the day after high school graduation, and never looked back. We didn't always get along the greatest then, but we get along great now.

You are 24 years old, how much longer are you going to let someone else run your life??

[seagull]

Originally Posted by USMCmech

I agree with those that say you can "overdress" for an interview.

Dress one notch better than the employees do on a regular basis.

Employees wear jeans and a company uniform shirt, then wear kakis, and a nice polo. A suit and tie would be way overkill.



I have seen one company where the owner specifically told job seekers not to wear a suit, if they still did, then they couldn't follow directions. Whenever I open my airplane shop I intend to do the same. If durring the interview I see a puddle of oil and start to clean it up, you had better be helping, not worrying about your clothes.

Still, jeans for an interview is not acceptable, even if it is just a "meet", etc.

I must have missed the "24" part, I agree with eatsleep and makes my previous comment even more important.

[jtrain609]

I'm in the same boat as Marshall. My parents and I didn't get along horribly when I was living at home, but by the time I graduated from high school it was high time for me to go and do something else with my life.

We couldn't get along better now.

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by nbv4

I forgot to mention one thing: my sisters and mother. They still live at home, and will have to live with him while he is going insane. I told my mom today that I don't want him coming along, and now she isn't talking to me because she knows this means she'll have to sit through one of his hissy fits (which will last for a few days at the very least).

This is the thing that tears me up. My whole life I have obeyed him, not out of love or respect, but because I feared having to endure one of his fits. My mom and sisters are the same way. I'm sure deep down inside my mom agrees its best that I go alone, but she doesn't want to go against my father because she knows how he'll react. Who do I look out for? My mom and sisters, or myself?



I think the only reason he is insisting to go is to prove to me that he is the one in charge. He has issues with control. If you disagree with him, he'll throw the biggest fit until you cave in.

A few summers ago I got the opportunity to live in an apartment with free rent, but he said I couldn't do it. He had no good reasons why I shouldn't live there, he just said "because I said so", and therefore i should just obey him. I tried to argue that this was a good move, but no matter what I said his response was always "I'm your father and you're not going because I say so"

Your father acts the way that he does because he knows that he can get whatever he wants by acting a complete fool. Unfortunately both you and your other family members out of fear have give up complete control over your lifes to your father. It's past time to stop that and get it back. I'm defiantely not discounting Kristie's claim that he could be depressed and or bi-polar. But to me that is no excuse to allow him to have complete control over you and your life.

I can't tell you what to do about the car ride situation. But I'm
here to say that you're soon to be 24 yrs. old. It's well past time that you stood up to your father, took back control of your life,stopped fearing him and asserted your indivduality and control over your own life. Should you fail to do this then you can expect this behavior to creep into other aspects of your life. Be it finding a contolling/manipulate mate or you being coming the same way as your father out of repressed anger issues.

Like Kristie stated, before you even get in the car you need to talk. Plan for him to flip out but have your poker face on and stand steadfast and don't not relent. He will be expecting you to cave. Don't. If he flips out act calm don't allow him to control you though fear. Acting calm in the face of the storm takes away his power he has over you via fear and returns it to you. When he sees that he can't control you anymore he'll come to you and ask you what's up. I'd say:

"Oh I was waiting for you to stop acting like a child so we can talk. Are you done now?"

Now not knowing your father I don't know how that would go over. It could be a breaking point that allows the situation to cool and him to listen or he might go ape complete ape #### on you. All that I know is that I'ma very assertive person who isn't afraid to confront anyone and I'd rather live alone versus live under the thumb of someone.

What about you?

[Sprint100]

As a MAN make sure you have a plan B after ya'll talk. It may not be cool to stay with your peeps after that. If I were you I'd work on getting a place to stay, that advice doesn't even factor into account you're approaching your mid-20s. Dont' bite the hand that feeds you.

[Triumph_in_the_skies]

I think your dad is just concerned, i mean after all you are his son. But i admit that he is overreacting

[DAnbert]

I am curious how this is going or how it went.

[Kristie]

me too....

[nbv4]

Originally Posted by Kristie

me too....

Well I'm here in California. There was no way out of him coming along. The ride was total hell. It was only supposed to be 3 days, but there was an ice storm in New Mexico that closed I-40, so we had to divert, which added on another day.

My dad is the kind of person who, you either agree with him, or you hate his guts. This is how a conversation with him would go:

father: "I-40 is closed, so lets just go south, taking us almost 400 miles out of our way."
me: "uh, shouldn't we just wait here for a few hours to try to get some info on when they will open I-40 back up?"
father: "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO AGAINST EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY???!!!? WHY DO YOU HATE MY GUTS??!! WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE TO YOU TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??? DO YOU WANT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THAT CAN BE ARRANGED...[cue 45 minute tirade]

Even though I have said over and over again that I don't hate him, he insist on bringing that up. When my dad is around, I try to do whatever it takes to avoid these long tirades he gets. They are the most horrendous things anyone would ever have to endure.

For instance, one time him and my mom spent the week in Miami, FL for a buisness seminar. This was less than a year after 9/11, and apparently they got a lot of crap from security going to, and coming back. When they got back, he was in a bad mood. The night before, the UPS man came and my sister forgot to lock the front door when she got the package. When my dad discovered the front door locked, he went off. Even though I had nothing to do with the door being unlocked, I had to sit there with my two sisters, while he told us we were all lazy failures who have no ambition in life. He just sits there and will say just about anything that comes to his mind, whether they're are true or not. Now that I'm in my early 20's, I can write it off as him being a maniac, but back when I was 10 or 11, that crap really effected my self-esteem.

So over the years I have developed a way to avoid these tirades. When he asks me a question, I give him one word as a response. If I give any more information, he'll use it against me in a tirade. In the past 10 years, I probably have said about 50 words to him. And 90% of those words were "I don't know", "yes", and "no"

Anyways, on the last day, I was emotionally bankrupt. I just spent 4 days with a person I absolutely loathe. During those 4 days, I never left a 5 foot radius of him the entire time. I had to smell him, hear him, SEE him... Yeah, it really wore on me after 4 days.

About 3 hours until we got to San Francisco airport, it started to get crazy. That whole day he was really upset and more agitated than usual (if you can imagine that). He kept saying things like "If you hate me, then I can hate you too. Don't bother calling me or your mother. If you try to call mom, I will instruct her to hang up on you. And your mother knows what I'll do to her if she disobeys me". Normally, I'd just ignore this kind of thing and not say anything, but we were almost there and I had nothing to lose.

I told him in a calm but assertive voice (which I can't normally do when in his presence), "I don't hate you. I just wish you'd realize that I am an adult now, and I have the mental capacity to make my own decisions. This is my job, and it is my responsibility to get there. I don't need you to be my chauffeur. I know how to read a map, and I have the money to buy gas. I don't need your money, what I need is your moral support, which you've giving me none. If you really wanted to help me, you could have co-signed a loan, so I could have a few thousand extra dollars in my pocket in case something goes wrong. No, you insist on treating me like a baby, and I do not appreciate that." I said a bunch of other things too, but I don't remember exactly.

Then he started crying. In the 23 years I've known him, I have never seen him cry. He was balling his eyes out. He said "YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU!?!?! I'M JUST A STUPID MOTHER####ER WHO GIVES YOU MONEY. I'M THE WORST FATHER EVER. I HAD ONE CHANCE AND I SCREWED IT UP. GOD KNOWS I TRIED"

At that point I actually started to feel sorry for him, which I haven't felt for him since I was little. I was reminded of this line from a Bob Dylan song that goes "As the days turned to minutes and the minutes turned back into hours.", except here it was the other way around. I was reminded of when I was 8, when I would get a D on my grade card or something and it was ME who would be crying, and he would be the one sitting there throwing verbal insult after verbal insult.

Then after he stopped sobbing, he want back into tough-guy mode. He started saying "You couldn't have made this trip by yourself, you didn't have the money. How do you expect to get a hotel room? What if you get robbed? All you want is for me to give you money. I offer you help, and all you do is piss in my face. You are the most un-appreciative person ever. When you fail at this new job, don't expect me to bail you out. For now on, you are on your own. And I guarantee you WILL fail. You have no idea how the real world operates."

For those next 2.5 hours or so it was very tough. I didn't know what to think. Eventually we arrived. Normally when dad leaves, I let out a sign of relief, but this time, I was in such an odd state of mind, I didn't know what to do. Now I get to show up to my new job in this messed up state of mind! I get to meet my new boss. my new co-workers, and everything a mere 2 hours after going through the most horrific event in my entire life. It's not like meeting people is easy for me to begin with...

Anyways, here I am. I've "recovered" from the drive up for the most part. Running around getting my new internet access hooked up, getting car insurance, buying sheets for my bed, food, things like that, has helped me get my mind cleared. I'm not flying yet, but I am going through the standardization process (which is not going very well AT ALL and may possibly get fired, but thats another thread for another time.)

[amorris311]

im sorry that this happened to you. i know that it can be hard especially when it comes from someone that you look up to at a young age. the job will be a success you just have to think that way. put hard work and effort into it and you will not remember the bad times because that will take time you dont have. best of luck.

[Kristie]

huh.. he sounds like my dad...up, down, sideways with mood swings..bitchy one minute, crying the next....manic depressive and can never say much positive.

Did you suggest your dad get some help? he won't ever get any better unless someone suggests he might have a problem (head cold wise).

[MQAAord]

One statement in there really scared me, and that was your father's statement about your mom "Knowing what happens to her if she disobeys him".

He needs psychological help. Bad.

[TonyC]

Originally Posted by MQAAord

One statement in there really scared me, and that was your father's statement about your mom "Knowing what happens to her if she disobeys him".

He needs psychological help. Bad.

I agree with you, Amber. I offered advice on the subject of abuse in another thread which became long and ugly, so I promise not to drag it out here. If my father ever threatened to touch my mother . . .


I guess that's easy to say, being as my parents were never that way. But just the thought of it sends chills up my spine and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up.







.

[SBI]

Originally Posted by nbv4

... And I guarantee you WILL fail. You have no idea how the real world operates."

...(which is not going very well AT ALL and may possibly get fired, but thats another thread for another time.)

You WILL succeed, and you will NOT get fired. You must forget about his ordeal and concentrate on your job at this point. You cannot take yourself back to those 4 days, not for now anyway. Focus on your one mission which is a success.

[gottafly]

nbv4, How's it going?