Abusive relationship

Maximillian_Jenius · December 13th, 2005, 12:38

Hey...just wanted to get some quick advice from peeps in this forum. A friend of mine here at work confided in me couple of weeks ago that she is involved in a domestic violence situation with her current live in boyfriend.
After weeks of arguing and mental abuse and some "light" physical violence as she said. She was fed up and finally put him out this weekend.

Well she just told me that last night after work she came home to a dark house. And as soon as she walked in the door he was there choking her and punching her. He dragged her in to her room and preceeded to continue hititng her.

Then preceeded to sufficate her with a plastic bag. As she said he did it to show her what it feels like to be helpless.

This guy is a total loser. He is 25 and has no job no money and lives up at her house rent free. Drives her car around all day while she is at work and doesn't fill up the tank and hits her for not filling up the tank.
He has completely has taken over her life and her house.

As is normally the case this isn't her first time with a violent abusive lover. Her "baby daddy" was violent to her as well when they were married. She of course thought to call the police but she lives in south PHX which to the uninformed is the ghetto of Phoenix. When she was going through her stuff with her ex-husband she called the police on him several times and each time they got there 2-3 hours later.

So she is worried that if he goes through with his many threats and beat her again. As she said maybe next time to the death. If she calls the police it won't matter since they won't arrive till 2-3 hours later and she and her children could be dead by then.

She is so scared and says she has no one to talk to. She says that she is just going to deal with him living there out of fear that he will hurt/kill her or her children and hope that one day soon he will just leave.

I told her he won't. Any any advice that I could give her?

-Matthew

mtsu_av8er · December 13th, 2005, 12:46

Unfortunately, this happens all too often. And if she doesn't get out of the relationship soon, it could be bad.

Just last year, a guy here in Tennessee broke into his estranged woman's house and shot her and some of the kids. Killed them. Got in his truck and drove away. I wish it were an uncommon occurence, but it isn't.
She needs to talk to the police and get him locked up.

Sprint100 · December 13th, 2005, 12:48

Yeah, give her my number so I can put her in touch with Big Bubba, he does all the dirty work!!!!!!!!!!

JEP · December 13th, 2005, 12:53

Plain and simple, the police need to be called. Granted I don't live in the area, but I cannot believe that it would take that long for a response. If she is in danger and kids are in danger then the police must be called. If she won't call them, then take it upon yourself to do so. I would also inform child protective services.

I don't know her or her situation and I don't want to sound harsh or cold, but these things continue to happen because they are allowed to happen.

Max, do your friend a favor and inform the police and other authorites. Look for battered women's assistance, child welfare, etc...There ahs to be people you can call. If she won't do it, then do it yourself.

Sprint100 · December 13th, 2005, 13:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by JEP

Plain and simple, the police need to be called. Granted I don't live in the area, but I cannot believe that it would take that long for a response. If she is in danger and kids are in danger then the police must be called. If she won't call them, then take it upon yourself to do so. I would also inform child protective services.

I don't know her or her situation and I don't want to sound harsh or cold, but these things continue to happen because they are allowed to happen.

Max, do your friend a favor and inform the police and other authorites. Look for battered women's assistance, child welfare, etc...There ahs to be people you can call. If she won't do it, then do it yourself.

Thanks for drawing that line, JEP. There is no easy way to deal with the situation and no advice that she already doesn't know. Only three ways to go about it......the police, Big Bubba, or deal with it until it's time to die. Sorry Max, but those are the cold hard facts.

mtsu_av8er · December 13th, 2005, 13:19

I used to roll with a kid that did "conflict resolution" for $1000!!!

Of course, that's not an appropriate way to deal with things - sometimes . . .

Many women get themselves into these situations, and as it's been said before - they let it happen. Don't enable these losers to do this stuff!

ajf005 · December 13th, 2005, 13:23

Tell her if she needs the police to get there fast to call 911 dont say anything and hang up. I think they will call back and if you dont pick up again they send someone to where the call is from. I heard it works because people could call for help and if theyre being attacked or something and the phone is taken from them police will still come.

Maximillian_Jenius · December 13th, 2005, 13:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by JEP

Plain and simple, the police need to be called. Granted I don't live in the area, but I cannot believe that it would take that long for a response. If she is in danger and kids are in danger then the police must be called. If she won't call them, then take it upon yourself to do so. I would also inform child protective services.

I don't know her or her situation and I don't want to sound harsh or cold, but these things continue to happen because they are allowed to happen.

Max, do your friend a favor and inform the police and other authorites. Look for battered women's assistance, child welfare, etc...There has to be people you can call. If she won't do it, then do it yourself.

For reals dude sounds like a big punk. I figured to beat down on a women he has to be. She seems to think he is crazy. I told her I'd come down there and beat Del Vagus down for her I'm gay but maaaan I can scrap! She said no and wants me to stay out of it,says it's not my business or concern and that she doesn't want me to get hurt.

I was the one that finally made her get the nerve up to kick him out. But now thinks it a huge mistake listening to me. Since her kicking him out did nothing but make him more angry coupled with the fact that he can just break into her house whenever he so chooses. Her friend Shannon is a real kinda stereotypical angy black women and Del Vagus of course doesn't mess with her in fact she says he is scared of her. I tried to inform her that he controls her by fear and that living with him out of fear of being hurt or killed will only kill her even slower.
She says she has kids and a responsibility to her kids to protect them. She hasn't even told her family how bad it's been because she is trying to protect them by keeping them out of it.

I'm kinda at my wits end with her and this situation. I want to do something but not sure what. She says that she is always stressed out and has several breakdowns a day and isn't eating,missing work or getting here late and is danger of being dismissed. But she doesn't want to do anything to make her sitiuation better. As she told me "sometimes Matt just surviving is better then being hit or dying."

-Matthew

TheShortOne · December 13th, 2005, 13:30

Matt,
help her find a battered women's shelter in the area that she and her kids can go to. There is a national abuse hotline number that will help her out - 1800-799-SAFE they can help her find a shelter (since most are really hard to locate). Have her keep all of her important papers on her for herself and her kids (Birth certs, school records, immunizations, passports etc).

these things happen because people feel helpless to stop them from happening and don't know how to get out of the situation.

As a side note - Max, don't let her stay at your place or any of her friends/relatives, make sure she goes to a shelter. by going to someone else's home she could be putting that person in danger as well because the abuser will come looking for her. That's why shelters' locations are so well concealed.

USMCmech · December 13th, 2005, 13:34

Leave,

this guy will wind up killing her if she dosen't.

It's too much trouble she says, a lot less than being dead. Sell everything, move to an entirely different part of the city, and never go back. Don't contact any of "their" freinds ever again. If nessacary get a new job. Moving to an entirely new city isn't out of the question.

Here is the really hard part, If she dosen't take your advice and goes back to this guy, then tell her she can't come to you for help in the future. Warning, you are going to feel like the biggese ######### in the world, but as long as she has an "enabler" she won't change. I had to do this once, it was one of the hardest things I ever did.

SteveC · December 13th, 2005, 13:36

Start here: The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Look in the Yellow pages for local support as well.

Get her help. This stuff does not get better with time, only worse. She does not need to do this alone, there are plenty of resources out there to help her. Get her some help now.

stevel · December 13th, 2005, 16:30

Max,

Sounds like you've already had a heart to heart conversation with her, but she needs another one. She has said it's none of your business, but she involves you by telling you about it. If she really wants what is best for her children, she will leave and get out of this relationship.

Do you know her family at all? Would you be willing to break her trust in you by discussing the issue with her parents, brothers, sisters, etc? Maybe the more people putting pressure on her to do something would provide more support to actually get rid of this guy.

Best of luck, you sound like a good friend to her.

Kristie · December 13th, 2005, 17:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sprint100

Thanks for drawing that line, JEP. There is no easy way to deal with the situation and no advice that she already doesn't know. Only three ways to go about it......the police, Big Bubba, or deal with it until it's time to die. Sorry Max, but those are the cold hard facts.

what about family though? does she have any family, out of state, that she can go to for a while?? sell the house and move?? I'd say for the time being, just get her outta there...

TheShortOne · December 13th, 2005, 18:49

she shouldn't go to a family member's house because if he knows where the family lives, he can go after her there. She really needs to go someplace anonymous where he can't find her.

FatBastard · December 13th, 2005, 19:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Hey...just wanted to get some quick advice from peeps in this forum. A friend of mine here at work confided in me couple of weeks ago that she is involved in a domestic violence situation with her current live in boyfriend.
After weeks of arguing and mental abuse and some "light" physical violence as she said. She was fed up and finally put him out this weekend.

Well she just told me that last night after work she came home to a dark house. And as soon as she walked in the door he was there choking her and punching her. He dragged her in to her room and preceeded to continue hititng her.

Then preceeded to sufficate her with a plastic bag. As she said he did it to show her what it feels like to be helpless.

This guy is a total loser. He is 25 and has no job no money and lives up at her house rent free. Drives her car around all day while she is at work and doesn't fill up the tank and hits her for not filling up the tank.
He has completely has taken over her life and her house.

As is normally the case this isn't her first time with a violent abusive lover. Her "baby daddy" was violent to her as well when they were married. She of course thought to call the police but she lives in south PHX which to the uninformed is the ghetto of Phoenix. When she was going through her stuff with her ex-husband she called the police on him several times and each time they got there 2-3 hours later.

So she is worried that if he goes through with his many threats and beat her again. As she said maybe next time to the death. If she calls the police it won't matter since they won't arrive till 2-3 hours later and she and her children could be dead by then.

She is so scared and says she has no one to talk to. She says that she is just going to deal with him living there out of fear that he will hurt/kill her or her children and hope that one day soon he will just leave.

I told her he won't. Any any advice that I could give her?

-Matthew

Tell her to call the cops as soon as she sees him. Also have her file a restraining order against the coward and if possible move!! If the cops are taking a long time about responding, she must communicate to the dispachter that HER LIFE IS THREATENED!! AND ONCE THEY RESPOND HAVE THE COWARD THROWN IN JAIL!!

Pity I'm not there. I would love to beat his A$$!!

Sprint100 · December 13th, 2005, 19:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheShortOne

she shouldn't go to a family member's house because if he knows where the family lives, he can go after her there. She really needs to go someplace anonymous where he can't find her.

With all these moves, etc. it's gonna turn into a witness protection type deal!!!

stuckingfk · December 14th, 2005, 00:41

I like the idea of calling Bubba.

Come to think of it, call the police and move the woman away from the situation. File a restraining order and then call Bubba when he violates it to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Then call the police again because he violated the restraining order.

Kristie · December 14th, 2005, 00:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by FatBastard

Tell her to call the cops as soon as she sees him. Also have her file a restraining order against the coward and if possible move!! If the cops are taking a long time about responding, she must communicate to the dispachter that HER LIFE IS THREATENED!! AND ONCE THEY RESPOND HAVE THE COWARD THROWN IN JAIL!!

Pity I'm not there. I would love to beat his A$$!!

I'm not sure I believe in the restraining order system myself.. i've heard too many stories of how someone was killed even though there was a restraining order against them...it's just a piece of paper and can only be enforced by calling the law over to the area where the order is being broken.. by then, it could already be too late!

I agree that she needs to take the kids and get herself over to a domestic violence shelter.. stay away from the family and friends and just move her butt as quickly as possible before it is definately too late - you just can't trust someone like that, not even for a minute, any one thing could set him off.

max, do you have an EAP (employee assistance program) at your office? it might be to her advantage to at least give them a call because they'll have some good information that she can definately use. it's a very confidential way to deal with things like this...

Maximillian_Jenius · December 14th, 2005, 14:27

Well...she got approved for her paid leave of absense. And was released home mid-day yesterday because she was just a mess and couldn't keep it together at work yesterday.

She called me last night. At her moms house she went to go pick up her kids and was scared to go home. Because apparently they got into a huge fight when she came home early from work. He had all his friends up in her house. She told him to tell em to go that she needed some rest and they were being loud. So he had to stunt infront of his friends and verbally put her in her place. She said she has never been called outa her name like that before.

So she just went in the other room to try to sleep. But they were making too much racket in the living room. Del Vagus is an aspiring singer/producer so they were making beats. She called him into the room to ask him to keep it down so she could sleep. He said that she wasn't supporting his music career. She said what do you mean...I support you financially who do you think bought you the computer and all your recording equipment.
She said he got a crazy look in his face and raised his hand to hit her but stopped. Saying that she is attacking his manhood because she works and he doesn't and she is the bread winner. He would get a job but there is nothing out there he likes to do that pays enough he said (he is a highschool dropout).
So later that evening she had to leave to go pick up her kids.
Del Vagus's younger brother who is 20 yrs. old kept telling her that he was hungry and hadn't eatin all day. So she was like I have to go pick up my kids from daycare you can ride with me and I can pick you up something at the store.
She said Del Vagus flew into a rage and began yelling at his brother and accusing the two of sleeping together behind his back. Kicked his brother out of the house and told him he isn't allowed back there ever again.
He kept calling her like every hour while she was at her moms house making threathning calls. She was scared to go home unsure of what would occur when she arrived home!
I tried to call her today but no answer. She text me briefly awhile ago and said Del Vagus took her phone and her car keys and won't return them.

-Matthew

Kristie · December 14th, 2005, 15:38

well, apparently she went back cuz otherwise he wouldn't have taken her phone and car keys... how was she able to txt msg you without her phone?

something's not adding up.. did she tell him that she's on a leave of absence or did he just not "let her go to work" today?? seems to me she told him she's on leave in which case, nobody would even think of checking up on her which makes sense as to why he took her phone and car keys... that, was a stupid move...

what about the kids & daycare? she obviously can't get them to daycare without her car...and if she doesn't take htem to daycare, would the daycare workers check up on them?

if she's on a leave of absence, you'd think she's get things rolling and not even tell him she's on a leave of absence?? esp if she wanted to get away...

hell, i'd be telling him that i'd have to go to work and while *not* at work, search for some solutions...make it like it's a same ol type of work day. he can't follow her cuz he has no car.

if it looks like she's not trying to get out..then you need to step away, give her some domestic shelter phone numbers to call and tell her your not going to help her anymore if she's not going to at least try to help herself. you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved!

seagull · December 14th, 2005, 17:04

She just needs to take advantage of the system, which has a lot of assistance for women. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for men, and men who are on the receiving end of this stuff are in a very bad spot, as I found out first hand. Tough road, either way, but there is a lot of help for women who are legit in the situation (and not fabricating to gain an advantage in child custody, etc, which is too common also).

Maximillian_Jenius · December 14th, 2005, 18:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristie

well, apparently she went back cuz otherwise he wouldn't have taken her phone and car keys... how was she able to txt msg you without her phone?

something's not adding up.. did she tell him that she's on a leave of absence or did he just not "let her go to work" today?? seems to me she told him she's on leave in which case, nobody would even think of checking up on her which makes sense as to why he took her phone and car keys... that, was a stupid move...

what about the kids & daycare? she obviously can't get them to daycare without her car...and if she doesn't take them to daycare, would the daycare workers check up on them?

if she's on a leave of absence, you'd think she's get things rolling and not even tell him she's on a leave of absence?? esp if she wanted to get away...

hell, i'd be telling him that i'd have to go to work and while *not* at work, search for some solutions...make it like it's a same ol type of work day. he can't follow her cuz he has no car.

if it looks like she's not trying to get out..then you need to step away, give her some domestic shelter phone numbers to call and tell her your not going to help her anymore if she's not going to at least try to help herself. you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved!

She called me on lunch and said that she was texting me when Vagus was in the shower getting ready to go to the studio.

Yes...she did tell him she is on leave! Even I told her not to,she said she had to as he drives her car during the day to and from work dropping her off and picking her up.

She said that she was going to get a get a restraining order but like you had heard that they typically don't work and sometimes the person getting the restraining order ends up dead. Also she said that now that she is on leave he never lets her drive (her) truck alone during the day he always rides along with her.

She is 31 yrs. old and has five kids. She said she wanted a man to love her and be a father to her kids. But she (of course) was finding it ever increasingly hard to find a man that wanted to stay due to her situation. Prior to meeting Del Vagus she had been single for six years.
She was kinda desperate for love by the time she met Vagus more especially moving him into her house after only three weeks after meeting her.
But as she says he was a different person in the beginning and said all the right things to her. Somewhere in there women there is a lesson!

-Matthew

Kristie · December 14th, 2005, 19:13

I think the only people that can help her at this point is a domestic shelter and the cops!

all she has to do is get them to arrest him and poof, she could just disappear with the assistance of a shelter... if he takes her car, does she stay home now that she's on leave or does she have to go with him? maybe somehow in there, she can get away to get her tasks accomplished - or have someone do them for her?

obviously she is able to get away on her own sometimes - whether it's to go to her mom's or whatever... so she should use those times to her advantage and do what needs to be done.

that leave of absence is gonna come and go.. she has to make a move...if she doesn't, the next person he's going to beat on is her kids...

btw, how old are the kids?

TonyC · December 14th, 2005, 21:20

You've already been given the correct answer - - why are you prolonging the conversation with the woman? You're not doing her any favors by talking to her, texting with her, comforting her, etc. You've already established that he is a threat to her safety - - no more details are required, or even relevant.

TELL HER TO CALL THE SHELTER!

NO MORE DELAYS!

Tell her to call the shelter, GO to the shelter, and don't call you back unless it's FROM the shelter.

There she will have resources available to best deal with her specific circumstances.

Wanna do her a favor? Call the cab.

.

SteveC · December 14th, 2005, 21:37

Tony and Kristie are right.

It is (past) time for the people that are trained to deal with these situations to take over. Women's shelters exist for just this purpose - she needs to get their help now. They will know how to protect her and the children, how to involve the law correctly, and how to keep them safe.

She needs to go to the shelter now.