Abusive relationship

[Kristie]

TonyC - excellent idea... call a cab!!

[Doug Taylor]

She needs to seek help in a shelter for sure, away from family.

My brother had a girlfriend that used to beat his ass and like Seagull said, there's zip zero nada for men in this situation.

Whenever he'd move back in with the parents, she'd obviously find him there, give him some sob story about how she was sorry, he'd be a fool and get tangled up right where they left off. The constant abuse, I think, gave him the 'beaten wife' syndrome where only his attacker can love him, yadda yadda yadda.

There is a wide variety of options available for her and she needs to take advantage of that before she gets killed. You might even have to support her from a very long distance because the boyfriend will probably start seeing you as the source of his problems and try to harm you as well.

Be careful. This is way, WAY out of your hands man. When she finds help don't even let her tell you WHERE she is, because I can guarantee you he's going to be on the rampage trying to figure out where she is and the more people that know WHERE she is increases the chances of him being able to glean it out of someone and track her down.

[AZBigDog]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

She is 31 yrs. old and has five kids. She said she wanted a man to love her and be a father to her kids. But she (of course) was finding it ever increasingly hard to find a man that wanted to stay due to her situation. Prior to meeting Del Vagus she had been single for six years.
She was kinda desperate for love by the time she met Vagus more especially moving him into her house after only three weeks after meeting her.
But as she says he was a different person in the beginning and said all the right things to her. Somewhere in there women there is a lesson!

-Matthew

If your friend ever has kids with this guy, It'll be damn near impossible to ever get away from him...

[Kristie]

One of the lady's over at PF (PilotFamilies.com) had this to say:
--
Hi Kristie,

I saw the thread on JC about domestic violence. Here's info to pass along:

http://phoenix.gov/POLICE/dvlear1.html

http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/AZ.HTM

http://www.law.arizona.edu/depts/clinics/dvc/

http://www.azag.gov/victims_rights/D...nce/index.html

Once upon a time I got my first job with the Governor's Justice Commission which was the PA state agency to handle federal LEAA money. We were to fund programs that were new in law enforcement--they were to be three year seed money grants. Being the new kid on the block, I got to work with the "peons". We were supposed to fund programs that helped eradicate murder, rape and felonies. A group of women came in and wanted to see someone and they were assigned to the peon group and got me. We wrote a grant proposal to fund a women's shelter for abused women in Philadelphia. We were up against the sheriff of Philadelphia who had a grant for 5 writ servers (not felonies--just patronage!). We went before the local committees and then the full state committee. We won. The next day, he called me up--I was all of 22. He told me, "Young lady, do you know what you have done? There's no such thing as an abused woman." Duh, we got the FIRST ever shelter for abused women started! It all started in Philadelphia in 1977. I'm very proud of that.

Please pass along the info and my thoughts to this woman.

Roz
--

I forgot that she used to work for domestic violence shelter - I should have asked her days ago and I totally apologize for not doing that.

Hopefully some of what Roz mentioned will be much more helpful!!

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by AZBigDog

If your friend ever has kids with this guy, It'll be damn near impossible to ever get away from him...

Funny that you mention that. His previous girlfriend was pregnant with his baby. She miscarried about 3 weeks ago and Vernetta told me that he has been talking "baby" to her ever since.
She told me that he told her. "I want you to have my baby then your bonded to me forever and you'll never get away form me."
She said that she has caught him several times when they have been intimate say he is "wrapped up" only later to find out he isn't that he took it off but said it "slipped off."

-Matthew

[Kristie]

so? did you get the to her so she can get out of there or are you continuing to just sit there and listen?

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by Kristie

so? did you get the to her so she can get out of there or are you continuing to just sit there and listen?

...Well since you ask if you remember when I said that she called me back when Vagus was in the shower. That was the last time I spoke with her. Since then she hasn't been answering my calls or text. The last time I called her phone a mans voice answered and said "stop calling here she can't talk to you no more...click."

So I'm done...more or less. After talking to her cousin and her other friends at work they also haven't heard from her in a good week. So she is now completely under his control. Completely cut off from anyone and everyone. So yea I'm done more or less.

-Matthew

[TonyC]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

The last time I called her phone a mans voice answered and said "stop calling here she can't talk to you no more...click."

So I'm done...more or less. After talking to her cousin and her other friends at work they also haven't heard from her in a good week. So she is now completely under his control. Completely cut off from anyone and everyone. So yea I'm done more or less.

-Matthew

It's taking a bit of self control to keep from calling you a moron. What is making it so difficult for you to see the immediate danger that this woman is in?!?!?

And now you're just going to wash your hands and walk away?!?!?

Tell us, genius, what are you going to tell her parents at her funeral?







Call the police - - 9-1-1 - - the woman needs help.








Drop the mouse, and pick up the phone - - NOW.






.

[GSMPilot]

It's really too late for anything for this women, I'd be more concerned for Matt at this point, because now if she does leave, her BF's got the number that Matt called from. Do a reverse phone number search and you can find almost anyone..BE CAREFUL MATT! I'm not to sure why she didn't just leave when he was taking a shower, instead she decides to txt someone. Can't save everyone. Kristie said it best, she has to be willing to save herself and her kids. If you gave her all the phone numbers, then i think you've made the right call in just walking away from it at this point. No need in risking yourself over someone who does not want to be helped.

[Philip]

man, that's messed up.

You did what you can do Matt, she can only help herself now.

[Kristie]

I dunno if it'd be worthwhile to at least go in, with her family, to the police station to talk to them about the best options... if her family and friends all try to intervene - that could be of help.

If anything, the police could stop by, check on her.. handcuff him in a car while they're talking to her so that she doesn't feel "at risk"...if anyone can get her & the kids to a domestic violence shelter, it'd be them! that'd be her first step.. and then she could have the shelter help with everything else....

of course, she'd have to go down under for a while so he can't find her.

or maybe have her boss call in and say something like "we really need you here, can you come in and work tomorrow" and see if she at least calls her boss back!? last thing her boyfriend is going to want to do is lose that paycheck she's got...

the least that can be done is a police checkup...
then again, for all you know, that man's voice saying "stop calling here she can't talk to you no more".. might mean he already killed her...but someone's gotta worry about the kids in the picture here!! even if *she* is a lost cause.. someone's got to help the kids!

the least that should be done is a police check up on her and the kids!

[AZBigDog]

Originally Posted by GSMPilot

It's really too late for anything for this women, I'd be more concerned for Matt at this point, because now if she does leave, her BF's got the number that Matt called from. Do a reverse phone number search and you can find almost anyone..BE CAREFUL MATT! I'm not to sure why she didn't just leave when he was taking a shower, instead she decides to txt someone. Can't save everyone. Kristie said it best, she has to be willing to save herself and her kids. If you gave her all the phone numbers, then i think you've made the right call in just walking away from it at this point. No need in risking yourself over someone who does not want to be helped.

I'm sure that everyone's intent would be to reach out and offer a helping hand in a situation like this, but I tend to agree with Kristie, she's got to help herself.

A little story. My wife and I have a friend that lost her kids in an ugly divorce a few years back. She was left with nothing. Since the divorce she just couldn't stay out of any type of intimate relationship. Seems like she validated herself as a person if she had a man, any man. As long as she had a man she seemed happy even if the relationship wasn't working out. We went as far as flying her out to Phoenix, AZ about a year ago in order for her to clear her head and maybe start her life over. We offered her a place to stay and even guided her in finding a decent job with benefits, something she never really had before. The day the company offered her this job, she stated she wanted to go back home. Back to the life she had before. It was then clear to us that she couldn't be helped and she went on her way. We get an email or a phone call from her from time to time, she lives with her man who really hasn't held a permanent job or lived at the same place longer than 6 months since we've known him. But, it is what she wants, so she has it.

AZ

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by TonyC

It's taking a bit of self control to keep from calling you a moron. What is making it so difficult for you to see the immediate danger that this woman is in?!?!?

And now you're just going to wash your hands and walk away?!?!?

Tell us, genius, what are you going to tell her parents at her funeral?

Call the police - - 9-1-1 - - the woman needs help.

Drop the mouse, and pick up the phone - - NOW.

Well gee thanks TonyC for the kind words....you kiss your children with that mouth ( ).

I only know Vernetta from work. I only met her when I moved from collections to lending ops (I work at Chase) at the beginning of 05.

We have hung out together after work a few times with friends. But I don't know her address and never been to her house. I don't have her home number or anything.

So yea...at this point I'm done. I have done all that I can. Gave her the advise that everyone gave her from on here when we talked last. There is nothing more I can or am willing to do. Anything more and I'm an "enabler." My mother a license psycholgist even agrees. Sad as it is my mom says there are some people that no matter how much their preached at or told the correct thing to do. Their not going to see the light until their ready. Some can't get out but want to.Those are the ones that need help. Others finally after all the years/months of ##### and abuse build up the nerve to get out no matter the cost.

Besides her cousin in customer service told me that a couple of weeks ago Vernetta asked her brother to ruff him. By the time he got there she had changed her mind and when brother was "working him over." She starts hitting her brother over the head with a book. To make him stop hurting Vagus. So she is alienating everyone. Now her family is throwing up their hands. You can't help someone who isn't willing or able to first ask/seek help or get it on their own.

I'd be more concerned for Matt at this point, because now if she does leave, her BF's got the number that Matt called from.

Thanks for the concern.But these people are cowards plain and simple thats why they go after weaker prey. I'm not scared of him he knows it.
Also I called from my cell phone so he has no access to home address.

But he knows where I work what time I arrive and leave. I even told him my lunch schedule. Guess what nothing...again a coward! But like I said I'm out of it now...

-Matthew

[Sprint100]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Well gee thanks TonyC for the kind words....you kiss your children with that mouth ( ).

-Matthew

Tony is right. He put it bluntly and straight to the point, but he is right. Personally, I'd wipe my hands clean after I called the police. If they can't talk sense into her then she could screw up her life all she wants. At least it would be documented, in case she came to her senses later or had to really call the police herself, he'd be taken care of. The state should take care of that (presuming the law on domestic violence is the same out here as in California).
She got you involved and I would call the cops whether she liked it or not. Plus, a life is at least worth a phone call.

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by Sprint100

Tony is right. He put it bluntly and straight to the point, but he is right. Personally, I'd wipe my hands clean after I called the police. If they can't talk sense into her then she could screw up her life all she wants. At least it would be documented, in case she came to her senses later or had to really call the police herself, he'd be taken care of. The state should take care of that (presuming the law on domestic violence is the same out here as in California).
She got you involved and I would call the cops whether she liked it or not. Plus, a life is at least worth a phone call.

Well what you Tony and anyone else who agrees with your line of thinking are failing to understand is that. A.) I don't have her home number or address to call the police to come out too. B.) I don't even have enough info to even start a police report.

All I have are two names.Vernetta & Del Vagus. But Del Vagus does have a record of abusing women. He is currently on probabtion and in anger management classes as we speak.

So before you even go there and say "see he has a record you can file a report." Try again...it would be her word against mine. Furthermore she has already demonstrated the propencity to thwart the help of friends,family and love ones for this man. No matter what she has said in the past she isn't ready to go.

Talking to her cousin today I found out the real reason she took leave wasn't to get peace of mind and ease her stress of the situation. But to (try) to keep tabs on Del Vagus to make sure he isn't out cheating on her. Turns out her constant stress at work at least was wondering who's house he was at, what he was doing or who he was effing.
Who was with him in her car or her house while she was at work.
Not saying she isn't scared that she doesn't fear for her or her children's life but it would at least appear that for now her pride matters more.

My conscious is clear!


-Matthew

[Sprint100]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Well what you Tony and anyone else who agrees with your line of thinking are failing to understand is that. A.) I don't have her home number or address to call the police to come out too. B.) I don't even have enough info to even start a police report.

All I have are two names.Vernetta & Del Vagus. But Del Vagus does have a record of abusing women. He is currently on probabtion and in anger management classes as we speak.

So before you even go there and say "see he has a record you can file a report." Try again...it would be her word against mine. Furthermore she has already demonstrated the propencity to thwart the help of friends,family and love ones for this man. No matter what she has said in the past she isn't ready to go.

Talking to her cousin today I found out the real reason she took leave wasn't to get peace of mind and ease her stress of the situation. But to (try) to keep tabs on Del Vagus to make sure he isn't out cheating on her. Turns out her constant stress at work at least was wondering who's house he was at, what he was doing or who he was effing.
Who was with him in her car or her house while she was at work.
Not saying she isn't scared that she doesn't fear for her or her children's life but it would at least appear that for now her pride matters more.

My conscious is clear!


-Matthew

My first choice will and always will be to call Big Bubba. I was just trying to keep in step with the legal aspect.

[pullup]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Well what you Tony and anyone else who agrees with your line of thinking are failing to understand is that. A.) I don't have her home number or address to call the police to come out too. B.) I don't even have enough info to even start a police report.

All I have are two names.Vernetta & Del Vagus. But Del Vagus does have a record of abusing women. He is currently on probabtion and in anger management classes as we speak.

So before you even go there and say "see he has a record you can file a report." Try again...it would be her word against mine. Furthermore she has already demonstrated the propencity to thwart the help of friends,family and love ones for this man. No matter what she has said in the past she isn't ready to go.

Talking to her cousin today I found out the real reason she took leave wasn't to get peace of mind and ease her stress of the situation. But to (try) to keep tabs on Del Vagus to make sure he isn't out cheating on her. Turns out her constant stress at work at least was wondering who's house he was at, what he was doing or who he was effing.
Who was with him in her car or her house while she was at work.
Not saying she isn't scared that she doesn't fear for her or her children's life but it would at least appear that for now her pride matters more.

My conscious is clear!


-Matthew

Does this thread remind anyone of an episode of COPS? It's like reading a n exact transcript...so sad

[Doug Taylor]

Matthew, it's far beyond time for an intervention. Help her get the ball rolling and disappear because the boyfriend is probably going to target you. This crap is a lot more dangerous than you realize and she needs professionals.

Luckily, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an abused woman center so she's in 'luck'.

Enough talky, bro!

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by Doug Taylor

Matthew, it's far beyond time for an intervention. Help her get the ball rolling and disappear because the boyfriend is probably going to target you. This crap is a lot more dangerous than you realize and she needs professionals.

Luckily, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an abused woman center so she's in 'luck'.

Enough talky, bro!

Wow...guess I'm just slow here. I know that you all have Vernetta's best interest at heart but...I'm not sure what to do,were more or less just work friends we typically don't hang out,outside of work.

So I'm at a loss as to what I could do to better this situation. She obviously doesn't want help and is shutting anybody out that cares for her. But again not knowing her address unsure how to best help her by calling the police, where are they going to go???

What do I say "somewhere in south Phoenix a girl named Vernetta is being abused by her boyfriend." "Well sir do you have an address so we can investigate?" "No sorry officer I don't know where she lives." Click!

But if it's any consolation I'm talking to her cousin.Telling her to do all the stuff that you guys are telling me to do. She has more access to her then I do (and should she want) she knows where she lives and can perhaps intervene or get a family member to intervene or the police.

-Matthew

[JEP]

Max,

You worked with her, right? You have a HR department, right? Tell them what you know and suspect. If they won't give you address, they may be able to contact the authorites.

[TonyC]

Originally Posted by Maximillian_Jenius

Wow...guess I'm just slow here. I know that you all have Vernetta's best interest at heart but...I'm not sure what to do,were more or less just work friends we typically don't hang out,outside of work.

I'll have to agree with you for once, you are slow. You're not sure what to do?!?! OK, you ARE a moron, because we've been telling you what to do, but you refuse to listen.






Call 9 - 1 - 1

Say, "I am concerned about the safety of a woman I know. She has confided in me that she is in an abusive situation, and is afraid to leave her boyfriend. She fears for her life, and she just cut off contact with me and with her family. This is her cell phone number _____. This is her employer _____. I'm sure that you, being law enforcement experts and all, can figure out where she lives and pay her a visit to see if she's still alive. Thank you."


Fill in the two blanks, and you're done. THEN you can have a clear conscious.









Some other day I'll try to explain the difference between "moron" and "jackass."



.

[Maximillian_Jenius]

Originally Posted by TonyC

I'll have to agree with you for once, you are slow. You're not sure what to do?!?! OK, you ARE a moron, because we've been telling you what to do, but you refuse to listen.




Call 9 - 1 - 1

Say, "I am concerned about the safety of a woman I know. She has confided in me that she is in an abusive situation, and is afraid to leave her boyfriend. She fears for her life, and she just cut off contact with me and with her family. This is her cell phone number _____. This is her employer _____. I'm sure that you, being law enforcement experts and all, can figure out where she lives and pay her a visit to see if she's still alive. Thank you."

Fill in the two blanks, and you're done. THEN you can have a clear conscious.

Some other day I'll try to explain the difference between "moron" and "jackass."


.

ass [ ass ] (plural ass·es)

noun Definitions: 1. animal resembling horse with long ears: an animal resembling a small horse with long ears, sometimes used as a beast of burden. The donkey is a domesticated descendant of the wild ass. Genus Equus.

2. offensive term: an offensive term that deliberately insults somebody's intelligence, consideration for others, or general value ( slang insult )


Hey Tony...let me know please which one of these definations best befits you.

Your colorful use of adjectives was un called for IMO. Look this situation has been going on for literally months and has frustrated me to no end. I was the one Vernetta first confided in I told her to seek protection. I told her to get a restraining order. I told her to kick him out. I told her get a bat,assert yourself take back control of your life. She choose to not listen to me.

You must not have read or cared much when I wrote that she took leave not for her own mental faculties. But to "police" this fool and make sure he isn't cheating on her. It seems that she cares more about her pride then that of her life or her children. Who cares she must be thinking if he beats me and treats me like crap fine as long as I'm the only women he is giving it to at night. Yet you insult me and say that I'm wrong.

Furthermore Del Vagus has a record of violence agaisnt women. Has had several restraining orders placed against him and is on probation currently for assult. It would be so easy for her to get him out of her life IF she wanted to. But she is talking out of both sides of her mouth. Did you not read where in a fit of anger she called her brother to come beat him up and when he got there she protected him and started hitting the brother over the head with a phone book.

Do you think that if I were to call the police she would implicate him? No she told me herself she doesn't want him to go to jail she is protecting him. This might not be the popular opinion on the board but you can't help someone who doesn't want to get help from friends and family and doesn't want to get help on her own. She got in a fight with her cousin last weekend who cared enough to stop by and see what was up and see if he could help.

I gotta agree with my mom here. She isn't ready to leave yet. When and if she ever is when it is time NOTHING will be able to detour her for leaving. She is her own worst enemy at this point. I could totally understand your point IF,IF she was actively trying to find a way out and couldn't get free from his grasp,but such is not the case.

-Matthew

[Sprint100]

Originally Posted by TonyC

I'll have to agree with you for once, you are slow. You're not sure what to do?!?! OK, you ARE a moron, because we've been telling you what to do, but you refuse to listen.

Tony, you are a riot until you start talking about me LOL.

[Kristie]

Ok, I agree with max here...we're *back* to the "can't save someone unless they want to be saved" issue...

it sounds to me that if he even did anything, she'd protect this bunghole which in turn would just get her in more trouble - not to mention those surrounding her..

she'll come to a point where she wants out, but until then, he's going to have to let her family deal with it and he's going to have to step off!

there's just nothing you can do to help someone that's only going to defend and not help herself.

[Sprint100]

Originally Posted by Kristie

there's just nothing you can do to help someone that's only going to defend and not help herself.

OK, her brother played the role of Big Bubba once, but did anybody call the cops? Until that is done, I wouldn't chill just yet. After that, if she still wants part of the relationship it's all hers but don't come crying to me. Some people actually like that sort of drama in their lives. Drama fiend, drama queen whatever you wanna call her.
In instances like this people seem blinded by that thing/drug called Love (as sick as that sounds). This sounds like a bad case of that ghetto-love LOL.
Her cousin needs to be checked on the reals. No way I'd sit by the wayside and let family, even a homie, get abused like that. So many folks allowing this to go on. Whoever has her contact info/adress/ whatever needs to call the cops or have somebody go down their to put in work on Vegas or Valley or whatever his name is.
Makes me wanna rock back and forth sayin Oh Lawd, Oh Lawd, Oh lawd.........

P.S. - I guess the 'it takes a village' idea has been long gone!!!!!!!!!!!!