Kids and Cancer Questions

[JEP]

Does anyone have any experience with stated subject? This past week my mother found that she has stage 1 breast cancer. I am not too worried about dealing with it myself, but I wonder how and what I should tell my kids, 7 & 4 yrs old, if anything. They had asked about going to grandma's one day right after it happened. She was not up for visitors at the time and I told them no. Being inquizative (sp?) as kids are they wanted to know why can't we go to grandmas, etc... All I told them was Grandma is sick and does not feel like having anyone over now. Just curious how others may have explained it and how much they should be told, etc..... as things progress.

[JayAre]

Well with the older kids I haven't had experience. But my father just completed Chemo this January. It was tough enough just to see the effects of that. But he pulled through and all the tests come back that its in remission. My nieces and nephews who are in the same age group you mentioned were told about it. They kept it very simple for them to understand and answered the questions they had. One idea is Im sure you can find a childrens book that discusses this type of illness. I have a one year old who of course couldn't understand but I found myself taking more and more pictures when he was playing with grandpa.

[Doug Taylor]

Sorry about your mom, but if you guys convince her to fight, she'll be alright. But it's tough.

You might want to chat with Kristie as she lost her mother to breast cancer back in 1997. She put up a big fight, but between then and now there has been a lot of health innovations that may help with the fight.

But fight like hell, and it's going to take everyone from the 6 month olds in the family all the way up to 98 year old great grandparents in your family to help her.

[Seggy]

[ QUOTE ]
Does anyone have any experience with stated subject? This past week my mother found that she has stage 1 breast cancer. I am not too worried about dealing with it myself, but I wonder how and what I should tell my kids, 7 & 4 yrs old, if anything. They had asked about going to grandma's one day right after it happened. She was not up for visitors at the time and I told them no. Being inquizative (sp?) as kids are they wanted to know why can't we go to grandmas, etc... All I told them was Grandma is sick and does not feel like having anyone over now. Just curious how others may have explained it and how much they should be told, etc..... as things progress.

[/ QUOTE ]

My mother came down with breast cancer when i was in first grade, so I was about 6 years old at that time. The thing is to be honest with your children. DO NOT HIDE THIS FROM THEM. I can not stress how important this is! Explain that she is sick with an illness called cancer. She is going to be sick for a while but she loves them, will be there for them, etc.

Have your kids make get well cards for their grandma a few days each week. It will help your grandmother keep her spirits up and your kids will see/feel they are actively participating in her recovery. Make sure she hangs it in a place for your kids to see when they are over. As she is recovering make sure you and your family tells your kids that their cards are helping her get better! My first grade teacher had me make a card everyday in class for my mother when she was sick and I gave them to her her when I got home. She used to hang them up. I think she still has them.

Anyway, BE HONEST WITH THE KIDS! Don't be afraid to tell them whats going on.

[kellwolf]

Ditto what Seggy said. Kids aren't oblivious to what's going on around them, and they would eventually figure it out.

[PorcoRosso]

Let them know what is happening. They will know something is happening, and they will feel bad if they don't know what it is.

My bro had brain cancer when we were both really little, and I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I did not know what was going on.

[Doug Taylor]

No doubt. I know someone whose... wait, this is weird, but let me know if this doesn't come out right. Ok, I knew someone whose ex-wife's boyfriend died. Well the ex-wife had custody of my friend's children and she and her boyfriend had a child together. He didn't know whether or not to tell his kids about their mom's boyfriend being dead and asked my advice. Kids aren't this little delicate, gentle flower that is going to wilt at the first sign of adversity so I suggested cutting the 'went to sleep/away' crap and just explain that he got sick and died.

Well, in much more tactful words of course, but it's part of the circle of life, Simba.

[kellwolf]

[ QUOTE ]
Kids aren't this little delicate, gentle flower that is going to wilt at the first sign of adversity so I suggested cutting the 'went to sleep/away' crap and just explain that he got sick and died.

[/ QUOTE ]

Someone brought this up to me and Nessa when we were dicussing how to tell our kids about animals that had died. The standard "put them to sleep" might have some dire consequences due to the word choice. The child understands "sleep" as that thing they do everynight and wake up from every morning. If you tell them so-and-so went to sleep or fluffy was put to sleep and can't be with us anymore, they might start thinking "What if I go to sleep tonight and can't be with mom and dad anymore?" Then it's impossible to get them to go to sleep since they'll be terrified.

Just something a friend of mine who is a vet told me from observed cases.....

[GUNIT]

I'm currently 16 and my Nana has been in and out of the hospital for ages. She had 5 heart attacks and 2 boughts with cancer, starting for me at the age of 4. Her first bought of cancer was when I was 4, it was full blown Colon Cancer and the docs were blastinger her with huge doses of radiation AND chemo. As a young child I don't believe it was very difficult to come to terms with this, but the key is simplifying it and building confidence in your kids. My parents always told me the truth (needless to say very simplified) but the best thing to hear was that Nana was fighting and fighting hard. I think the phrase was "Cancer sure is gonna be sorry after they decided to fight with Nana". I think keeping some humor and having good experiences along the way definitely was great too. Amazingly enough she pulled through just as "Super Nana" said she would and the cancer went into remission for about 8 or 9 years, which puts me at the ripe age of 15 when her second bought with a rare cancer that comes from the aggressive radiation treatment used in the first cancer, unfortunately she passed on about 6 months ago. It was definitely tougher at an older age, and the thing to do with kids in their teens is be completely up front, don't sugar coat it, you just gotta give it to them. I think my parents did the worst thing and held off telling me for awhile which definitely upset me. But anyways, the key is (which everyone else has already said so sorry if I am seeming very repeatful (is that a word?)) to tell them the truth, but simplify it and make it clear and easy to understand. Give your kids encouragement,
TRY (<--operative word here) not to get too down about it yourself. One of the toughest things to watch was seeing my father cry. Remind your kids that their grandmother loves them and would do anything for them. Grandmothers possess an incredible amount of care and love for their grandchildren that is absolutely beyond belief and the things they will do to enjoy time with them is mindblowing.

Best to you and your family, good luck, and my thoughts are with you.

Hope I could help out a little

[I_WANNA_BE_ATP]

You will be surprised how well kids can handle difficult subjects such as cancer. When I was in nursing school and doing my peds rotation I took care of a 8 year old with bone cancer. He knew more about it then me, and he taught me alot. Not just about cancer but about being a human being. He looked at me and said, "you look terrified, why? Do I scare you?" And believe it or not, kids can handle death and dying better than some adults, ok most adults. Just be honest and upfront when discussing the situation. Don't avoid the tough questions and don't sugar coat the answers.

If you do have problems discussing cancer with your children, call your local Pediatric Cancer center. Ask to speak to someone in education. They should be able to help.

Sorry about the situation, My thoughts go out to you and your family.

The American Cancer Society also has (had??, I haven't been on their website in long time), a great website: American Cancer Society
WebMd is also a good resource.