...Okay dude. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? You must be the type to quit your job to stay home to "police" your child or loved one if (hypothetically) they were to ever become a crack head.
Don't take offense at this hypothetical situation. But would you let a family member on drugs stay in your house. Would you mortgage your house or sell all your valuables to get money to pay off a loved ones debt if they had a gambling problem? These are forms of enabling.
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Originally Posted by TonyC By allowing her to drag you along and listen to your "counsel",you have become an enabler. Your feeding into her sickness,and not actually helping her. |
On that point we can agree. Which is why I stopped giving advice.Washed my hands of the situation and feel my conscious is clear.
You can only talk so long to someone, you can suggest that they seek help talk to them about counseling. But if their an adult you can't forcibly hospitalize them,just as I can't forcibly remove Vernetta or her children from this situation. Ultimately the only person that can seek to turn around their situation is the person with the problem.
That I guess is what people are failing to understand. The police have been called. A report has been filed. But has anything changed is anything any different? Is she and her children still in harms way...yes! Did calling the police and filing a report do anything at all to change her or her childrens situation...sadly no.
So instead of focusing on a calling the police which again had no effect. I wanted to educate a women who felt that she had no options on how to get out of her situation. Let her know that she does indeed have power and could regain that power and be a victim no longer. Because it is ultimately her who has the real power to end this sick affair, when she gets sick & tired enough she will end this situation and leave him and seek shelter from her troubles not the police.
Did that have a profound affect on the situation. Sadly I would have to say no also. So I give up and wash my hands of the entire situation in utter frustration.
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Originally Posted by TonyC A true friend would do what is good for her, despite her protest to the contrary. |
Being a friend a real friend does not mean that you allow people to take advantage of you or your friendship. Being a friend is knowing your own personal boundries and knowing when someone has crossed them. Letting them know that if they choose to continue to go down that road because of their own personal choices that you won't follow. It's called tuff love.
Again he has hit her attempted suffication and choked her. He has a prior criminal record and a history of violence. What I think all are failing to hear is that she is unwilling to leave him. It would be so very easy for her call the police herself and have him arrested for parole violation. Yet he is still there.
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Originally Posted by TonyC She doesn't need your advice,she doesn't need your ear,she doesn't need your momma's degree,she needs to be rescued. |
After reading that I can tell that you have never done any kind of counciling or crisis management. No one can be "rescued" that doesn't want to be helped first. Furthermore no one should be rescued a rescuer is nothing but a person who continues to enable the person who has the problem. A person who wants help not rescue must first ask for it and follow through with the steps to get aid for their problem.
To continue to try to assist someone that doesn't want to be helped is called enabling and being co-depenedent.
As harsh as it sounds there is only so much that you can do before you have to raise your hands to the sky and say I'M DONE. I have done all that I could. She has continuely refused aid from both family and friends. Next you will say that we her family and friends should sneak into her house under cover of darkness and forcibly remove her from the situation.
At what point would you stop,step back and access the situation and let go.
Furthermore Tony who are you to question the advice of a trained professional. You have no PH.D your not properly trained in matters of addiction,interventions or crisis management. For that matter niether am I. This is akin to the the a.net guys aruging flight characteristic of a 757 with a trained pilot,because they performed the similar approach on MSFS. I address this as you say the advice given to me by my mother does little to help Vernetta situation.
I just wish that someone could see all my points that I have made not only in this post but others to maybe begin to understand that no matter what I do or say no ammount of assitance will help this lady if she first doesn't admit that A.) She has a problem that is beyond her means to control. B.) Honestly ask and seek aid and education to escape the grasp of this sick and potentially dangerous situation. That she continually keeps herself in.
-Matthew